Lunatic Teen Spikes Mom's Kool-Aid with LysolIn July 2010, a mother-daughter fight in New Hampshire escalated quickly. I mean, things really got out of hand fast. After her arrest, 17 year-old Brittany Merrill claimed that during an argument, her mother threw a TV remote at her and punched her in the face (though there was no sign of damage on her anywhere). Two days later, she got revenge by, y'know, putting Lysol in her mom's Kool-Aid. Like ya do.
Her mother drank the Kool-Aid, so to speak (like literally drank it, because Kool-Aid is delicious), and soon felt burning in her throat. She later got a restraining order against Brittany, which I think was fair, especially since there were 3 other small children in the house that could have sipped some of that Kool-Aid. Brittany violated the order by having a friend tell her mother that "she hates her." Oh, to be 17 again.
Innovative Genius Sells Kool-Aid as FuelRonald Horlings was arrested in Houston in April 1983 after he convinced people to invest in a new
"super automobile fuel" made of water, ammonia, and orange Kool-Aid. Say wha? He convinced two women in Lansing, MI, to support the development and marketing of "etholeen," which was supposed to get 90 miles per gallon. I mean, in their dreams, right? Horlings also got in trouble for a bunch of other things in the early 80s - from passing bad checks to claiming to have developed a way to operate an engine on compressed air - but he was smart about the etholeen. See, the ammonia was just there to make it smell.
Kool-Aid Rage Causes Son to Punch Mom in FaceIn Louisville, KY, a grown man went apesh*t on his own mother when she told him to get his own damn Kool-Aid in Nov. 2011. When 35 year-old Lequan Washington asked for a glass of the tasty drink bev but was told to get it himself, he punched his mom in the face, knocked her down, stomped on her, and broke a window. Holy overreaction, Thunderbolt. Upon his arrest, Washington claimed that his mother pointed a gun at him and fired, but police found no evidence of this. Just the Kool-Aid thing.
Man Steals 88 Packets of Kool-AidA Chicago man was arrested for retail theft in Feb. 2012 after stealing $198 worth of merch from a grocery store. The haul included four packages of condoms, eight packages of beef, and 88 packets of Kool-Aid. It's too bad, really. That party sounds like it would have been off the hook.
Man Named Kool-Aid Stabbed 12 TimesDid you know that bad things sometimes happen even in Iowa? I know - I was shocked too. In Dec. 2011, Christopher Leonard (24) told his wife he was going away for a long time and he was going to stab Kool-Aid - who, as everyone knows, is the alias of Clinton resident David Rockwell. Kool-Aid later told police that Leonard told him that the knife was fake, but I don't know why he would ever believe anything out of someone with so many neck tattoos. Either way, he got stabbed at least 12 times, mainly in the back, which is not where a true friend stabs you.
Slick Siblings Fight Over Who Drank Kool-AidIn May 2012 in Florida (natch), an adult man (probably sunburned and sweating through jorts and a wifebeater) opened his refrigerator to retrieve a pitcher of Kool-Aid he had made, but found the jug empty. When he asked his adult sister (probably swatting away mosquitoes in the backyard) who drank his danged Kool-Aid, she replied (according to police) with a "slick answer." Words were exchanged (probably not very intelligent ones), a vase was thrown, police were called... and that, as they say, is a Florida headline.
Georgia Men Smuggle Kool-Aid & Lunch MeatRobert Clay Coburn Jr. and Shawn Robert Anderson, both 18, went into an Auburn, GA, grocery store and bought a frozen pizza. What they did not buy was the several packets of luncheon meat and packets of Kool-Aid an employee had seen them conceal in their clothes. Their foiled haul would have been worth $13.69.
Parents of the Year Make Kool-Aid a Gateway Drug
In Nov. 2011, Phoenix parents Jennifer Campos and Anthony Casillas noticed that their 2 year-old's gums were bleeding. Since he was in pain, they decided to take matters in their own hands. After all, it's not like they could just go to the hospital - they were on the run from the Child Protective Services. Earlier in the year, the pair had been charged with 4 counts of child abuse and 3 counts of child neglect, and the CPS had tried to take their three children away.
Bygones. A friend supplied them with some methadone, which is a super powerful narcotic pain reliever often used in replacement therapy for people detoxing off of heroin (!!!). Because she was a great mother and wasn't entirely comfortable giving her toddler an super potent opiate, Campos cut it with Kool-Aid. And wouldn't you know it? something bad happened. The kid's face swelled up like a boxing glove and his breathing stopped. In the hospital (where he survived), the two year-old tested positive for not only methadone, but also amphetamine, acetone, and nicotine.
White Men Spray Black People with Kool-AidvThe only thing that offends me more than racism is lazy racism. I mean, Kool-Aid? Really? In Sept. 1991, two no-doubt upstanding and well-respected Missouri men, David Walden of Ellisville and Shawn Daniels of Fenton, MO, were caught on tape (by Walden's future ex-wife) acting very dumb. They drove into predominantly black neighborhoods in St. Louis and sprayed arbitrary victims with a modified high-powered fire extinguisher filled with water + Kool-Aid. So clever. They did this again in Oct. 1991 and on Jan. 20, 1992 - which, JICYDAK, was the "good day" Ice Cube was singing about.
Well, probably not for the victims of these dipsh*ts.
Kool-Aid Gun Fight Causes Butt WoundvYou know the old saying: "Everything is a bigger deal in Detroit." That's why, in May 2012, a fight over who makes the best Kool-Aid erupted into a gun battle. Never mind that making the summertime soft drink is as easy as following the directions on the back of each packet (1. Add sugar, 2. Add water, 3. Drink). Neither of the chefs involved in the argument was as good at shooting as he was at making Kool-Aid - the two victims of the gun fight were innocent bystanders. One was shot in the wrist and the other directly in the buttock.
The victims were treated and released, but the shooters fled.
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