Ninety five percent of the time, female celebrity nudity is a rare gift, something to gaze upon fondly and treasure. These intimate pictures give us the opportunity to see our idols at their most vulnerable, confirm or deny lurking suspicions about what they actually look like naked, and paint a more accurate picture for some of our deepest fantasies. The following people have provided us with the exact opposite of this.
The other five percent is comprised of everything dark and unsightly, the bodies for which clothes were made.These are celebrities of the female variety that make you wish you could turn back time and unsee what you have just seen, lest the imagery haunt you until you poke your own eyes out with a ball point pen. Their nudity, be it accidental or intentional, is enough to kill even the strongest of sex drives. When exposed, these women are basically the physical embodiment of a cold shower.Here are ten examples of female celebrities you didn't need to see more of in all their naked (or partially naked) glory, forever scorching their nauseating forms on our retinas. Shelley Long nude? No thanks.
Nancy Grace's Nip Slip on Dancing with the Stars
Nancy Grace has been assaulting our ears with her endless backwards political and legal dribble for years, grossly molesting the roles of prosecutor and broadcaster with her opinionated Southern drawl on Court TV and CNN.
On Monday, she inadvertently assaulted our eye holes with a wardrobe malfunction during her jazzy number with dance partner Tristan MacManus, exposing what appeared to be a honeydew melon that's been left in the sun for about a decade.
In her infinite "I've never done anything wrong" wisdom, she has since denied the incident which was broadcast to hundreds of thosands of middle-aged housewives across the country, Tweeting, "Evidence re my alleged 'wardrobe malfunction which I vehemently deny: Breast Petals & industrial strength bra," even including a picture of herself said petals. As if we need more scarring, now we have to picture Nancy Grace's leathery, butter-filled milk mounds in pasties. Ugh, I think I just threw up a little.Here's a link to the nip slip.
Chyna's Sex Tape
If you ever go to a travel agency, don't ask for their "1 Night in Chyna" package, or you may be forced to watch the former wrestler and bodybuilder rub penises with other washed-up WWFer X-Pac.
This came about when the people who released the "1 Night in Paris" video decided that they needed to branch out and get more "celebrities" to hand over their sex tapes for fun and profit. While she had posed nude for Playboy before, Chyna was quickly fading out of the spotlight, so she decided to do what all falling stars do. She went out in a blaze of glory. Glory that will have you scrubbing your eyes with bleach and steel wool.Here's a link to her sex tape.
Kathy Bates in a Hot Tub
Kathy Bates is a pretty solid actress, but I never thought she could scare me more than her role in Misery until I saw her stark naked in About Schmidt. Her rotund and sagging frame haunted me like the return of Lionel's mother in Dead Alive.
It's not only the fact that she was naked, but she was naked in a hot tub, which makes all the unspeakable horrors worse. They float. The look on Jack Nicholson's face really says it all. It's like he's thinking, "What horrible decisions have I made in my life to lead me here?" Personally I think I would have rather have seen Jack's co-star, Shelley Long, naked.
Just click it. You know you want to.This is like visual Fear Factor.
Tonya Harding's Sex Tape
Remember her? She did that one thing that one time? Yeah. It was eons ago in internet time. Well back in the day she was losing steam in the press, so of course a video "mysteriously" was released "against her will" of her wedding night bang fest.
Now, no one was begging for a glimpse at Harding's goodies anyway. Let's face it, we all would have prefered it to be Nancy Kerrigan. (Which was part of the whole problem in the first place wasn't it?) Not only that, but since it was the early 90's the whole thing has a vintage look. It's like watching your parent's sex tape, something not many of us would ever, EVER want!