Make “The Rock” the Official Movie of America!
Now, we all love The Rock, because it’s basically two of the most ridiculous male leads in film history (Nick Cage and Sean Connery) talking sh*t to each other for two hours, while Ed Harris goes completely insane in the background (because that’s what he does).
But Official Movie of America? What does that even mean? Who gets to f*ck the Prom Queen?
Did I sign it?: Yes, but if we win I’ll pass on the Prom Queen thing. I’m a bit old for that.
Give Joe Biden a Reality TV Show!
Just Come Clean About the Aliens Already!
Not only do these people know that aliens exist and that we’re interacting with them, but they know enough to speculate on the outcome of going public with it. That’s amazing, because while all the things they list sound nice, they don’t seem to be considering other possibilities.
I really feel like it could go either way.
Did I Sign It?: If the US Government has encountered aliens, I say we a) take off and nuke the entire site from orbit because it’s the only way to be sure, or b) butt out and call it even. What’re we even talking about this for?
No, I didn’t sign it.
Be More Racist!
Haha, yeah! Remember when they passed all those laws saying that white people are only allowed to marry non-white people? Remember how only black people are allowed to live in Africa? Remember how only Asian people are allowed to live in Asia?
Yeah, a lot’s happened in the past few years in the minds of clinically insane people. Because that’s exactly what this is -- if you’re legitimately worried about white people being “blended out of existence,” then it doesn’t matter what I say next, because the meddly of fart-kazoo noises and whatever-sound-Satan-makes-when-he-burps-the-alphabet that makes up what should be the rational thought part of your brain has already drowned everything else out.
Did I Sign It? Naw, man.
Don’t Let... Wait, What?
Mint a Trillion Dollar Coin!
Deport This British Guy Because He Doesn’t Like Guns!
I don’t need to argue in support or against Piers Morgan. He’s just another sensationalist jerk on television trying to build a career on controversy instead of journalism. I can’t find a video on the internet that isn’t a parade of logical fallacies and misrepresented statistics.
But that doesn’t matter, because this petition is smashing the first amendment to defend a slight against the second. That’s like nuking your own vegetable garden because you found an aphid.
Did I Sign It?: I’ve never written a joke about aphids before. I wonder if it’s any good.
Cut Politicians Who Support Gun Control!
It’s really not fair to lump everyone who’s ever used a gun into the “gun nut” lump. Some people who shoot weapons are kind, responsible people who are just as worried about the safety of America’s children as anyone else.
But I’m pretty sure they’re different from the people who want to publicly execute everyone who disagrees with them. I think that’s a different group.
Did I Sign It? Hahahahahahaha
Be... Threatened by Me!
These people know that they’ll answer to the people. That’s why they campaign. Angrily describing the American Election Process to them in weird sentence fragments doesn’t do a lot to make your point.
Also I think this might be addressed to the wrong person.
Did I Sign It?: I’m honestly not sure what it would even mean if I did.
American Flags EVERYWHERE!!
Just one American Flag isn’t American enough, guys. We need hundreds. Hundreds of flags.
I don’t know what’s more convincing: This person’s borderline insane lack affection for the American Flag, or the fact that they didn’t bother to proofread their own pitch.
Did I Sign It?: Only with a pen full of the blood of Patriots!
Create a Death Star!
I don’t think you guys know what “National Defense” means. I don’t remember the Death Star ever being used for defending anything, and besides, the... wait, what’s this? The White House already responded to this petition?
Here are their core points:
1. The construction of the Death Star has been estimated to cost more than $850,000,000,000,000,000. We're working hard to reduce the deficit, not expand it.
2. The Administration does not support blowing up planets.
3. Why would we spend countless taxpayer dollars on a Death Star with a fundamental flaw that can be exploited by a one-man starship?
There’s also a lot of obvious pandering like “Even though the United States doesn't have anything that can do the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs...”
The only obvious response I have is to number 3, where I’d like to point out that nobody has any one-man starships yet. Besides, you’re fooling yourself if you think that when Luke Skywalker is born, he won’t be American. We invented the concept of kids from stupid little farms growing up to have extraordinary powers, and I know that because I’ve never studied any history from anywhere earlier than 1932.
But really, this is cute and all, but the White House has set quite a precedent by answering that question and I’m not sure they’ll be able to stick to it. Think that was the last stupid idea that the internet can pretend to care about? Oh, God no.
You reached out to us, and offered us a fairly direct line of communication with the most powerful man in the world on pretty much our own terms. If there’s one thing we’re gonna be dead set on proving, it’s that we don’t deserve it.
Did I Sign It?: As an internet comedy writer I suffer tremendous pain every time I disagree with anyone who pretends that they want to make Star Wars things real. Please don’t use that power against us. We already have so little to live for.
For the love of God, follow JF Sargent on Twitter.