This is a list of White House petitions that have been made by the insane, the hilarious or the people who fall somewhere in between.
Make “The Rock” the Official Movie of America!
Now, we all love The Rock, because it’s basically two of the most ridiculous male leads in film history (Nick Cage and Sean Connery) talking sh*t to each other for two hours, while Ed Harris goes completely insane in the background (because that’s what he does).
But Official Movie of America? What does that even mean? Who gets to f*ck the Prom Queen?
Did I sign it?: Yes, but if we win I’ll pass on the Prom Queen thing. I’m a bit old for that.
Give Joe Biden a Reality TV Show!
Did I Sign It?: Are you kidding? I’ve already come up with some titles.
Just Come Clean About the Aliens Already!
Not only do these people know that aliens exist and that we’re interacting with them, but they know enough to speculate on the outcome of going public with it. That’s amazing, because while all the things they list sound nice, they don’t seem to be considering other possibilities.
I really feel like it could go either way.
Did I Sign It?: If the US Government has encountered aliens, I say we a) take off and nuke the entire site from orbit because it’s the only way to be sure, or b) butt out and call it even. What’re we even talking about this for?
No, I didn’t sign it.
Be More Racist!
Haha, yeah! Remember when they passed all those laws saying that white people are only allowed to marry non-white people? Remember how only black people are allowed to live in Africa? Remember how only Asian people are allowed to live in Asia?
Yeah, a lot’s happened in the past few years in the minds of clinically insane people. Because that’s exactly what this is -- if you’re legitimately worried about white people being “blended out of existence,” then it doesn’t matter what I say next, because the meddly of fart-kazoo noises and whatever-sound-Satan-makes-when-he-burps-the-alphabet that makes up what should be the rational thought part of your brain has already drowned everything else out.
Did I Sign It? Naw, man.
Don’t Let... Wait, What?
This is the kind of thing that people both notice and care about.
Did I Vote For It?: I actually didn’t, and I stand by my decision. Kinda (I’m a little worried I’m missing something).
Mint a Trillion Dollar Coin!
What? Do you guys have any idea how economies even work?
Actually, quick note: do any of you know how economies work? Please let me know soon, so I can decide whether or not to sign this petition.
Did I Sign It?: See Above.
Deport This British Guy Because He Doesn’t Like Guns!
I don’t need to argue in support or against Piers Morgan. He’s just another sensationalist jerk on television trying to build a career on controversy instead of journalism. I can’t find a video on the internet that isn’t a parade of logical fallacies and misrepresented statistics.
But that doesn’t matter, because this petition is smashing the first amendment to defend a slight against the second. That’s like nuking your own vegetable garden because you found an aphid.
Did I Sign It?: I’ve never written a joke about aphids before. I wonder if it’s any good.
Cut Politicians Who Support Gun Control!
It’s really not fair to lump everyone who’s ever used a gun into the “gun nut” lump. Some people who shoot weapons are kind, responsible people who are just as worried about the safety of America’s children as anyone else.
But I’m pretty sure they’re different from the people who want to publicly execute everyone who disagrees with them. I think that’s a different group.
Did I Sign It? Hahahahahahaha