Man Loses Kung Fu Fight With Lion
In 1989, 32-year-old Australian man Ellie Quo decided to seek out a martial arts matchup that would test his awesome new skills in Kung Fu.
Told by his instructor that he had reached a level in his training where "you can kill wild animals with your bare hands," the misguided student decided to follow his instructor’s words to the letter and sought a fight with a lion at the Melbourne Zoo.
In the middle of the night, he snuck into the zoo and in true ninja stealth style, scaled the lion enclosure and surveyed the pen to see which of the mighty warriors would die by his hands. Thing is, there were a whole lot of lions to choose from, and rather than let this one tiny scrap of human get in a single punch, they all ganged up on the guy and ripped him to shreds. Literally.
The next morning, zoo keepers found Quo’s fists of fury – and nothing more – in the lions’ enclosure. In his cold, dead hands were tufts of red fur, proving that gingers in the animal kingdom do in fact have souls (because they eat them).
Two Men Mauled While Trying to Honor Tiger
Sooo, people tend to give nice, cuddly animals you’d want to pet nice, cuddly names like “Squiggles,” “Mittens”, and “Gumdrop.” These are cute little critters you can walk up to, pet, and get comfortable with.
Shiva the Destroyer: this is not an animal whose face you want to be anywhere near. Shiva, a 13-year-old Bengal Tiger, was minding his own business at the Calcutta Zoo when Prakesh Tiwari and Suresh Rai decided they didn’t want to exclude anybody from their New Year’s festivities, especially a deadly tiger separated from zoo patrons by a moat.
A moat. A method of protection to guard castles from invaders in medieval times is what these two tiger worshipping followers of the goddess Durga crossed to get into Shiva’s enclosure so that they might present him with a marigold flower garland to welcome the New Year.
Not surprisingly, this male Bengal Tiger did not take kindly to these men trying to outfit him with a necklace and promptly attacked Rai as he threw the garland around Shiva’s neck. Tiwari intervened by KICKING THE TIGER IN THE FACE. That actually sounds pretty badass until you learn that the tiger diverted its attention to mauling Tiwari who was killed in the attack. Rai survived to present garlands to other dieties.
Man Savaged by Monkeys Trying to Retrieve Cell Phone
A monkey at the zoo steals your cell phone. Do you wait in line at AT&T for an iPhone 5 or risk being attacked by monkeys?
Silly question. The monkey attack, obviously.
Zheng Dong was taking pictures of a bunch of macaque monkeys at the Fuzhou Zoo in China when one of the wily monkeys snatched his phone away. Zheng, who must have had some amazing sexts he didn’t want to lose track of, jumped the fence to retrieve the phone when three of the monkeys surrounded him and scratched at him until several zookeepers came to his rescue and removed him from the cage.
While Dong made it out alive, his cell phone was chewed up beyond repair. Instead of thanking the zookeepers profusely for saving him from being eaten by a bunch of monkeys, he sought compensation from the zoo for a new phone. That Dong is a real dick.
Woman Loses Fingers/Buzz to Bears
Tracy Weiler, a 47-year-old woman, decided to get drunk with her boyfriend and take a three-year-old child to the zoo for a visit with some wildlife they weren’t related to.
The trio was visiting the Lincoln Park Zoo in Manitowoc, WI when Weiler decided the bears weren’t getting enough to eat and that she should be the one to feed them. She crossed several barriers and ignored multiple warning signs to stay away from the bears before extending her food offerings to the bears, who ignored whatever snack shop fare the woman was offering and ate her fingers for lunch instead. The boyfriend tried to intervene and was bitten, but didn’t lose any digits.
Did I mention this all happened at 11:30am? If getting drunk and losing at least two of your fingers to a bear before noon is your idea of a productive Friday, this lady could probably be one of your role models.
Woman Jumps Into Polar Bear Moat
As a “curvy” lady, I myself have tried my fair share of extreme diets; juice cleanses, Atkins, Jell-O, etc. have all provided temporary results for my permanent huge ass problem. Well, this lady decided, at age 32, that dieting the safe way was not enough and enlisted the help of a team of Polar Bears to help with her weight loss. This is probably why she did this. It was no accident and a reason was never released to the press, but I seriously can't think of any other reason to go into a Polar Bear habitat other than to, I don't know... snuggle them?
She JUMPED FROM A WALL INTO A MOAT AND SWAM UP TO A GROUP OF POLAR BEARS. Willingly. Onlookers say she even looked excited as she swam up to one of the behemoth bears.
Yeah, so the polar bears mauled the hell out of this lady. In fact, afterward, she changed her mind and started shouting for someone to get her out the moat, the bears continued to pursue the intruder, tearing her from the rescue rings thrown by zookeepers to try and remove her to safety. She was eventually hoisted to safety and underwent surgery to repair the damage done by giant bear bites.
She probably lost about 5 lbs in flesh, though.
So you know. There's that.
Man Loses Arm Trying to Get Better Pictures of Tigersv
So, this is kind of a given in a list about stupid people that jump the fence to horrendous results, but when you go to a zoo to look at animals, there are fences and barriers for a reason. They’re not there to keep you from getting cool pictures of animals, they’re there to keep you from getting eaten.
Well, Jai Prakash Bezbaruah, a 50-year-old man who was on the last stop of his vacation with his wife and two children, must have really thought the zoo was out to protect the animals from being photographed at a bad angle (everybody knows the left side is a tiger’s “bad” side) because he snuck down to the inner enclosure of the Guwahati Zoo to snap some artsy photos when a female lion came over grabbed hold of his arm.
Several zookeepers had been trying to stop Bezbaruah from being as close as he was to the deadly animals, but before they could stop him or aid him in rescue, a male tiger appeared and aided the female in ripping the man’s left arm off.
Bezbaruah was transported immediately to the hospital but died of his injuries before he arrived. Unlike Jude Law, Govardhan, and Divya, the tigers responsible for the attack were not hit with charges for attacking the paparazzi.
Gu Gu the Panda is one mean bastard with a taste for human flesh. In 2007, a 15-year-old jumped into the Panda enclosure at the Beijing Zoo looking to get a hug from his sweet, furry friend, forgetting to take into account that Pandas are F@*#ING BEARS.
The kid extended his arms for a hug, got bit instead, and then bit Gu Gu back.
It’s no surprise, then, that this Panda bastard was looking for revenge when 28-year-old Zhang Zhio fell into the bear enclosure, trying to catch something his son was throwing at him.
Was it dad’s wallet, you ask? His mother’s wedding ring? An iphone 5? No, it was a toy. Some small, stupid toy they could have replaced at the gift shop on the way out.
Ugh. Anyway, Zhio is in the pen thinking, “it’s a panda, what’s it gonna do, eat some bamboo and smile at me?” and ends up getting bit on both legs before the zookeepers arrive with tools to pry open Gu Gu’s jaws. As previously mentioned, this was a “been there, done that” sitch for the zookeepers who knew they weren’t just going to be able to tickle the panda’s chin to get him to release the man’s leg; they brought the mother loving jaws (removing) of life to free Zhio.
Despite the fact that Gu Gu is a repeat offender (this was his third foray into biting intruders), the zoo has neither raised the fence around his enclosure nor done anything in the way of punishment to the panda, who happens to be one of China’s national animals. In fact, it is Zhio who will likely face charges for the disturbance.
Man Swims Through Moat and is Attacked by Monkeysv
If this guy had ever seen Outbreak, he would obviously know that monkeys can turn you into a festering pool of disease in one fell swoop and would have stayed out of the moat separating the zoo patrons from the monkey enclosure. But he didn’t ever see Morgan Freeman looking pensive about primates and instead swam over to see some of the nice monkeys in their natural surroundings.
Just one thing, though: monkeys have sharp claws they like to scratch the hell out of people with.
After getting half-naked and trying to pet the monkeys on their little island, this crazy man finally decides to wade back the fence, separating the monkeys from the people who don’t want ebola or some other gnarly virus. The people who, incidentally, watched with rapt attention as this man was getting a bunch of crazy gashes from the monkeys and leaving a blood trail in the water as he returned from his mauling.
Do you think they sent him to get stitched up by that monkey on "Animal Practice?" Is that show even on the air anymore? Oh my God, it is and the tagline for the next episode is: George must save the life of his mother’s cat or face terrible consequences.
Man Tries to have Bull Fight with Lionv
People have done some crazy things because God told them to, and 22-year-old Lucas Tomas is no exception. After being ordered to do so by “voices of God,” Tomas jumped into the lions’ area at the Buenos Aires Zoo and shockingly, was not immediately attacked by either of the lions present. Apparently, this was not the result God had requested, because Tomas removed his jacket and started taunting one of the lions like he was some kind of lion fighter.
The lion, Quique, wasn’t going to let this guy show him up, so he proceeded to pin the man down and bite him until the zoo’s chief veterinarian fired a shot to tranquilize the animal.
Amazingly, Tomas wasn’t the only guy THAT YEAR to pull this stunt. Later in the year in Taipei, Taiwan, a 46-year-old man identified only by his last name of Chen, jumped into the lion cage at the zoo and called out at the big cats that “Jesus will save you.” The lion he was taunting ripped his jacket off of him, pinned him against a rocky ridge in the pen, and bit and scratched the man before zookeepers intervened, driving the lion away with hoses and tranquilizing darts.
Both men survived their orders from a higher power.
“Only An Idiot Would Jump Into The Bear Cage At The Zoo”
(Actual quote from Belgrade Zoo Director, Vuk Bojovic, in regards to the following story)
Things people do when they get wicked drunk: - Go to Taco Bell - Text their exes - Find a comfy spot on the bathroom floor to pass out
Things people don’t usually do when they’re plastered: - Disrobe, fold clothes into a neat pile, and hang out with bears.
Now, we’re not talking about large, hairy men that hang out at The Eagle, we’re talking about a couple of brown bears who have an entirely different idea when it comes to eating you.
Perhaps the memo didn’t make it all the way to the 23-year-old Serbian guy who got naked to hang out with bears Masha and Misha at the Belgrade Zoo. The day after a beer festival – which THOUSANDS of people attended without finding themselves half-eaten in a bear cage – zookeepers had to forcefully remove what remained of the Serbian gentleman, whom authorities note was either drunk or drugged when he got naked and entered the cage of two deadly animals, from the bears’ feeding corner.
Man Jumps From Monorail Into Cage to Hang with Lions
David M. Villalobos, a 25-year-old real estate agent, jumped from a moving monorail at the Bronx Zoo in New York into the cage of a 400-pound tiger not to kill himself, but to be “with the tigers.”
Having found and posted a bunch of pictures of tigers on his Facebook page, the next step was OBVIOUSLY to go to the zoo and jump into a cage to chill with one of the wild animals.
Villalobos broke ribs, his pelvis, and his wrist in the fall, and suffered deep scratches and bruises from the tiger, who was only hurt that he didn’t get an extra snack for all the trouble caused by the guy that jumped into his home.
Two Men Get Mauled by Tigers in Quest to Surprise Friend at Work
Usually, when I go to visit a friend at work, it’s because they work at a place where they can give me free alcohol or because they have amazingly hot co-workers. Trever James Wearmouth and Thomas Anthony Bryce-Hart, both 27, went to visit their friend at who worked at the zoo. At night. Without warning or permission.
The duo scaled an 8-foot-tall barbed wire fence to gain entry to the Calgary Zoo, and then, instead of carrying right on to see their friend, decided to stop and pet the tigers. One climbed an additional fence (meant to keep people away from the tigers’ razor-sharp claws) and tried to offer his hand to Vitali, a Serbian tiger, who he thought, I’m sure, would nuzzle his happy little head against his hand and maybe stand on his hind legs for a treat.
Well, Vitali did none of that. HE DID maul the heck out of the guy and drag him- by the arm- around the cage until the other friend intervened and pulled the guy to safety. Only then did they actually call and tell their friend (a security guard at the zoo who was obviously doing a really great job that night when she failed to notice two idiots scaling the wall and entering the tiger area) who called for help.
Both men survived and were fined for trespassing. People seemed to be way more concerned with whether Vitali was hurt and whether his reputation would be damaged. Said zoo curator Tim Sinclair-Smith (does everybody in Canada have three names?) Vitali is “perfectly fine… and that's his natural reaction.” After the attack, he went back to being “one of our most laid-back cats,” who occasionally enjoys clawing the hell out of a couple idiots.
Man Jumps into Lion Cage Because He's Sick of Listening to His Wife Talk
We all know that marriage counseling is expensive, and time-consuming, and that everything is really your wife’s fault no matter what the therapist says; but honestly, who foregoes the couch for the cage?
Surya Narayan Das, that’s who. The 45-year-old man was so tired of constantly being yelled at by his wife that he willingly jumped into the lion cage at the Nandankanan Zoo in India. The execution of his suicide plot backfired, however, when bite wounds to his head, neck, face, legs, and hands failed to end the man’s life.
No word on whether he’s returned with the wife to introduce her to the lions.
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