Man Loses Kung Fu Fight With Lion
In 1989, 32-year-old Australian man Ellie Quo decided to seek out a martial arts matchup that would test his awesome new skills in Kung Fu.
Told by his instructor that he had reached a level in his training where "you can kill wild animals with your bare hands," the misguided student decided to follow his instructor’s words to the letter and sought a fight with a lion at the Melbourne Zoo.
In the middle of the night, he snuck into the zoo and in true ninja stealth style, scaled the lion enclosure and surveyed the pen to see which of the mighty warriors would die by his hands. Thing is, there were a whole lot of lions to choose from, and rather than let this one tiny scrap of human get in a single punch, they all ganged up on the guy and ripped him to shreds. Literally.
The next morning, zoo keepers found Quo’s fists of fury – and nothing more – in the lions’ enclosure. In his cold, dead hands were tufts of red fur, proving that gingers in the animal kingdom do in fact have souls (because they eat them).
Two Men Mauled While Trying to Honor Tiger
Sooo, people tend to give nice, cuddly animals you’d want to pet nice, cuddly names like “Squiggles,” “Mittens”, and “Gumdrop.” These are cute little critters you can walk up to, pet, and get comfortable with.
Shiva the Destroyer: this is not an animal whose face you want to be anywhere near. Shiva, a 13-year-old Bengal Tiger, was minding his own business at the Calcutta Zoo when Prakesh Tiwari and Suresh Rai decided they didn’t want to exclude anybody from their New Year’s festivities, especially a deadly tiger separated from zoo patrons by a moat.
A moat. A method of protection to guard castles from invaders in medieval times is what these two tiger worshipping followers of the goddess Durga crossed to get into Shiva’s enclosure so that they might present him with a marigold flower garland to welcome the New Year.
Not surprisingly, this male Bengal Tiger did not take kindly to these men trying to outfit him with a necklace and promptly attacked Rai as he threw the garland around Shiva’s neck. Tiwari intervened by KICKING THE TIGER IN THE FACE. That actually sounds pretty badass until you learn that the tiger diverted its attention to mauling Tiwari who was killed in the attack. Rai survived to present garlands to other dieties.
Man Savaged by Monkeys Trying to Retrieve Cell Phone
A monkey at the zoo steals your cell phone. Do you wait in line at AT&T for an iPhone 5 or risk being attacked by monkeys?
Silly question. The monkey attack, obviously.
Zheng Dong was taking pictures of a bunch of macaque monkeys at the Fuzhou Zoo in China when one of the wily monkeys snatched his phone away. Zheng, who must have had some amazing sexts he didn’t want to lose track of, jumped the fence to retrieve the phone when three of the monkeys surrounded him and scratched at him until several zookeepers came to his rescue and removed him from the cage.
While Dong made it out alive, his cell phone was chewed up beyond repair. Instead of thanking the zookeepers profusely for saving him from being eaten by a bunch of monkeys, he sought compensation from the zoo for a new phone. That Dong is a real dick.
Woman Loses Fingers/Buzz to Bears
Tracy Weiler, a 47-year-old woman, decided to get drunk with her boyfriend and take a three-year-old child to the zoo for a visit with some wildlife they weren’t related to.
The trio was visiting the Lincoln Park Zoo in Manitowoc, WI when Weiler decided the bears weren’t getting enough to eat and that she should be the one to feed them. She crossed several barriers and ignored multiple warning signs to stay away from the bears before extending her food offerings to the bears, who ignored whatever snack shop fare the woman was offering and ate her fingers for lunch instead. The boyfriend tried to intervene and was bitten, but didn’t lose any digits.
Did I mention this all happened at 11:30am? If getting drunk and losing at least two of your fingers to a bear before noon is your idea of a productive Friday, this lady could probably be one of your role models.
Woman Jumps Into Polar Bear MoatAs a “curvy” lady, I myself have tried my fair share of extreme diets; juice cleanses, Atkins, Jell-O, etc. have all provided temporary results for my permanent huge ass problem. Well, this lady decided, at age 32, that dieting the safe way was not enough and enlisted the help of a team of Polar Bears to help with her weight loss. This is probably why she did this. It was no accident and a reason was never released to the press, but I seriously can't think of any other reason to go into a Polar Bear habitat other than to, I don't know... snuggle them?
She JUMPED FROM A WALL INTO A MOAT AND SWAM UP TO A GROUP OF POLAR BEARS. Willingly. Onlookers say she even looked excited as she swam up to one of the behemoth bears.
Yeah, so the polar bears mauled the hell out of this lady. In fact, afterward, she changed her mind and started shouting for someone to get her out the moat, the bears continued to pursue the intruder, tearing her from the rescue rings thrown by zookeepers to try and remove her to safety. She was eventually hoisted to safety and underwent surgery to repair the damage done by giant bear bites.
She probably lost about 5 lbs in flesh, though.
So you know. There's that.
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