After hearing a strange noise in his basement, a man in Bochum, Germany called the police to inform them that someone was drilling their way into his basement.
Of course, it wasn't -- it was just a vibrator that had rolled against a pipe and had been turned to a high enough setting to make the tiles in the German man's kitchen shake. Meaning that was one hell of a vibrator.
After finding the above room in an abandoned bunker in Norway, two fisherman promptly reported to the police that they had discovered a "crime scene."
Considering that these two men saw silk sheets and d***os and thought "something horrible must have happened here!" we're going to go ahead and assume that they have the most boring sex-lives ever.
Sorry, Norwegian Fishermen. We sympathize. Maybe you should try visiting your relatives in Canada, because…
Before the implementation of Canada's new plastic $100 bill, officials brought in testers to check over the bills for anything that might look controversial -- which is actually a pretty good call. If we had done so in America, we would've avoided the well-known American monetary disaster where George Washington on the $1 is giving you a look like he's just asked you if you want to drive out to Shady Point and hang out in his parked car or a while.
Being Canadian, however, instead of seeing sexual predators they claimed that the bills depicted a woman's body:
And anal beads:
Which… what? We don't see that at all. This just makes us wonder why Canadian women are so strangely shaped and why they're getting so needlessly complicated with the configuration of things they're planning on putting up their own asses.
Something That is a TSA Agent's Business
There's a thin line between professionalism and sexual harassment, and in this case… wait a minute, that line's not thin at all. The distinction should be painfully clear, right? Like, on one side, you are (for example) gently and tastefully perusing the personal belongings of someone's luggage because it's your job to make sure everything is safe, and in the other case you're leaving harassing messages in someone's bag after you find their d***o.
After suggesting that a total stranger "get her freak on," the TSA agent in question was crushed under a barrage of loose luggage and eaten by gremlins. Maybe. Or he totally got away with it. We're not sure, we just really want the gremlins thing to happen, because f**k this guy.
Let's not go into too much detail with this one -- safe to say that you can use this as a cautionary tale: if you're going to build your own home-made power-d***o, and if you're going to use a saber-saw as the propelling motor, make sure you take the f**king serrated part off before you stick the d***o part on.
It turns out that a device design to cut through wood and other materials has no trouble penetrating soft-rubber.
No one was killed.
Pictured: A Place That Almost Got Blown Up By a D***o
While digging for recyclables in the Capetown Dump in South Africa, two women heard something vibrating (spoiler alert: it's a vibrator) and, being sure it was a bomb, rushed to tell the dump's manager.
The funniest part of that article is the Adolf Hansen's (the manager's) almost gleeful explanation of the event: he brags that he's seen vibrators "more than once" and that the one in question is only "middle sized."
We don't often get a chance to say this, but "good for you, Adolf."
In 2003 mother of three Joanne Webb faced criminal charges in Texas for hosting events called "Passion Parties" where she would sell Sex-Toys from her home.
Why was it illegal?
Because in Texas, to get around their obscenity laws, sex-toy shops need to post a sign somewhere that says "Sold as Novelties". Joanne, who wanted to create a safe and comfortable place for people to purchase these "marital aids" didn't do that.
Eventually, the case was thrown out and the law repealed.
Next time someone tells you that sex-toys are inherently evil in the eyes of God, tell them about this guy: after twenty three years as a minister, Marc Angenent decided that his true calling was sex therapy and promptly opened his own Christian-Themed Sex-Toy Website.
As a trained sex-therapist, Angenant now helps everyone he can achieve a satisfying sex-life by explaining to them that God doesn't mind if married people want to bone. Though he gets some angry emails, he's quick to insist that God hasn't sent him any.
Something Worth Stealing
Some thief got a (pleasant?) surprise when he or she opened up the two suitcases he stole from a flat in the UK last May and discovers they're full of 11,000 Pounds worth of sex toys. The police statement included:
"It would be quite difficult for the thieves to sell on these items in any great quantity and so we would ask people to be on the lookout for these suitcases should the thieves have dumped them."
The suitcases contained 400 toys, way more than anyone could reasonably need…. Right? We understand the basic human urge for novelty and diversity, but this seems a bit overboard. It is overboard, right? No one could possibly need that many sex toys?
Did we just accidentally admit that our sex lives are really boring?
A Murder Victim
(We included a picture of Munich instead of the silicon sex doll because Munich isn't trying to eye-f**k you all the way from the hellish depths of Uncanny Valley.)
Back in 2002, someone in Munich called the cops on their neighbor because they thought the man was bringing home a corpse. When the police arrived, they "disturbed him as he was acquainting himself with his recent purchase," which is German for "we walked in on him while he was having sex with a silicon person."
No word on whether the guy who called the cops ever apologized for being basically the worst neighbor ever.
A Rotting Corpse
After a corpse was reported found in the Izu forest in Japan, police quickly visited the scene to discover that it was just a sex-doll-- wait, no, they quarantined the area first, but then discovered that-- wait, no, scratch that. It wasn't until the newspaper ran the story with a photograph of the crime scene that--
Actually, no, the "body" got all the way back to the lab where it was investigated by police pathologists before anyone realized that it was just a sex toy. Just to be absolutely clear, this is after the area was quarantined, witnesses were questioned, and the story ran in the goddamn newspaper.
A Drowning Woman
It's probably pretty embarrassing for the 18 Chinese cops who spent forty minutes and probably dozens of dollars trying to rescue what they thought was a drowning woman but turned out to be an inflatable sex-doll -- but that's nowhere near as embarrassing as this Huffington Post story about it. "'Inflated Body Count' takes on new meaning?"
No it doesn't.
A Mythological Mushroom
While most of these stories revolve around people making mildly ridiculous assumptions about sex-toys, virtually all of them make more sense than the Chinese Reporter who, upon hearing that some fiserhmen in a nearby village had discovered a strange object in the woods, declared it to be a mythological mushroom that can grant immortality.
As a writers we know it makes our points more compelling if I can directly relate it to you, the reader's, life, so let us leave you with this advice: if you ever find something that resembles a magic item for your childhood fables and want to go bragging about it on national news, you best first make sure it doesn't have a slot for your dick.