L The List
After hearing a strange noise in his basement, a man in Bochum, Germany called the police to inform them that someone was drilling their way into his basement.
Of course, it wasn't -- it was just a vibrator that had rolled against a pipe and had been turned to a high enough setting to make the tiles in the German man's kitchen shake. Meaning that was one hell of a vibrator.
After finding the above room in an abandoned bunker in Norway, two fisherman promptly reported to the police that they had discovered a "crime scene."
Considering that these two men saw silk sheets and d***os and thought "something horrible must have happened here!" we're going to go ahead and assume that they have the most boring sex-lives ever.
Sorry, Norwegian Fishermen. We sympathize. Maybe you should try visiting your relatives in Canada, because…
Before the implementation of Canada's new plastic $100 bill, officials brought in testers to check over the bills for anything that might look controversial -- which is actually a pretty good call. If we had done so in America, we would've avoided the well-known American monetary disaster where George Washington on the $1 is giving you a look like he's just asked you if you want to drive out to Shady Point and hang out in his parked car or a while.
Being Canadian, however, instead of seeing sexual predators they claimed that the bills depicted a woman's body:
And anal beads:
Which… what? We don't see that at all. This just makes us wonder why Canadian women are so strangely shaped and why they're getting so needlessly complicated with the configuration of things they're planning on putting up their own asses.
Something That is a TSA Agent's Business
There's a thin line between professionalism and sexual harassment, and in this case… wait a minute, that line's not thin at all. The distinction should be painfully clear, right? Like, on one side, you are (for example) gently and tastefully perusing the personal belongings of someone's luggage because it's your job to make sure everything is safe, and in the other case you're leaving harassing messages in someone's bag after you find their d***o.
After suggesting that a total stranger "get her freak on," the TSA agent in question was crushed under a barrage of loose luggage and eaten by gremlins. Maybe. Or he totally got away with it. We're not sure, we just really want the gremlins thing to happen, because f**k this guy.
Let's not go into too much detail with this one -- safe to say that you can use this as a cautionary tale: if you're going to build your own home-made power-d***o, and if you're going to use a saber-saw as the propelling motor, make sure you take the f**king serrated part off before you stick the d***o part on.
It turns out that a device design to cut through wood and other materials has no trouble penetrating soft-rubber.
No one was killed.
Pictured: A Place That Almost Got Blown Up By a D***o
While digging for recyclables in the Capetown Dump in South Africa, two women heard something vibrating (spoiler alert: it's a vibrator) and, being sure it was a bomb, rushed to tell the dump's manager.
The funniest part of that article is the Adolf Hansen's (the manager's) almost gleeful explanation of the event: he brags that he's seen vibrators "more than once" and that the one in question is only "middle sized."
We don't often get a chance to say this, but "good for you, Adolf."