14 Amazing (And Sometimes Dangerous) Uses For Underwear Anything
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14 Amazing (And Sometimes Dangerous) Uses For Underwear

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Underwear comes in two flavors: “sexy” and “comfortable.” Well, I guess that’s not technically true, because the sexy underwear can come in all kinds of crazy flavors (like rootbeer!), depending on what kind of stuff you find sexy (like rootbeer!).
Anyway, the point is people don’t generally expect your underwear to attack you, because what a terrible world that would be, right? I’m sorry to tell you that that terrible world is our own, and that our underwear attacks us all the time.
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  1. 1

    Just Sticking it In Their Face

    Oddly enough, this is the only one involving poop. I figured I’d get it out of the way right at the beginning, because poop is kind of a trite source for humor and I try to avoid it in this kind of thing. Basically, this is a disclaimer: I’m about to talk about poop for a bit, but I promise that’s it, there will be no more poop in this article.

    In Gainesville Florida, Johnny Broestler knocked on Wade Liddell’s camper, demanding money for their landlord. When Liddel began to argue, Broestler grabbed some of Liddel’s poop-filled underwear from a nearby hamper and shoved it in his face. Liddell retaliated by pushing the poop back in Broestler’s face and calling the cops. When the cops showed up both men had poop all over them.

    “When the cops came by, he was still covered with the poop,” Liddell told an actual journalist, who actually wrote that down and published it in an article.
    Let’s not go into why Liddell had poop filled underwear just lying around his camper, because there’s probably a perfectly reasonable explanation that will ruin it for everyone. Let’s just enjoy this poop humor for a second. Okay, we’re done.

  2. 2

    Sticking Bombs in It To Blow Up a Plane

    Continuing a tradition of being the most cowardly, undignified pieces of s**t on the face of the planet, members of Al-Quaeda decided to make going to the airport even more of a nightmare than it already was by wearing explosive underpants on board a plane.

    Let’s be totally honest about this situation. No one involved in this project thought they were actually going to bring this plane down. It’s not like they were sitting around a table (can they still afford tables?) workshopping ideas, and somebody said “exploding underwear!” and the head dumbass was all “yes, of course! It’s so simple and not stupid and of course it’s gonna work!”

    That never happened.

    The plan this whole time was just to trick us into wasting more of our resources and time on airport security. And of course it worked, because we have to be tougher about airport security now, but come on guys. Look at what you’ve become. This is passive aggressive terrorism. This one time I had a roommate who didn’t like my cat so she used to leave the TV on all the time when she went to bed or out to work or whatever, just because she knew it pissed me off, and you guys remind me of her, Al-Quaeda.

    That’s not a compliment, by the way, because she never did her dishes.

  3. 3

    Same Thing, Years Later, in Yemen

    Oh look, you dumbasses did exactly the same thing three years later in Yemen. Did you think it was gonna work better this time? Did you think we’d forgotten? By the way, “we” doesn’t mean “America,” you illiterate twat-lickers, it means “reasonable people in the world who aren’t hypocritical piece of sh*t murderers.”

    I kinda regret calling you “twat-lickers” just now, because there’s no way you are. If you ever tried to perform cunnilingus you’d just get confused and wind up choking on your own tongue. If you design underwear bombs for a living, you’re less intimidating than a silver-age Batman villain and infinitely more forgettable. Find something new and remotely interesting to do with your lives, because I’m done f*cking writing about you.

  4. 4

    Protesting Oppression

    Finally, something objectively awesome: Women in India have banded together to protest Sri Ram Sean, a group of Hindu activists who are trying to ban Valentine’s Day. Their strategy? blogs.nytimes.com/2009/02/13/indian-women-use-facebook-for-valentines-protest>Mailing pink ladies underwear to the leader of Sri Ram Sean.

    Of course, this isn’t just about being allowed to celebrate a particular holiday -- months before the protest started women were attacked in the street by Sri Ram Sean activists just for trying to visit a bar. So this isn’t about preference or convenience, these women are standing up for their right to be treated like human beings and they’re doing it in a really funny and classy way.

  5. 5

    Protesting Utah

    In protest of Utah being kind of a dick about marriage and other basic rights, an estimated 3,000 Utahians (Utahites? Utahovians?) stripped down to their skivvies and ran all around the state capital building, showing everybody their favorite underclothes.

    This is definitely my favorite way to support gay marriage. Everyone knows that sexuality is a continuum, not a dichotomy, and the more skin of a member of the same sex you see, the gayer you get. It’s science. You can’t argue with it.

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