4 Reasons Skynet Is Retarded Films
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4 Reasons Skynet Is Retarded

The Terminator series is a good thing. Really. But if you start thinking about it, it kind of falls apart, as all time travel bulls**t will. But after watching Terminator:Salvation, I had to seriously ask the question -- What the F**k, Skynet? I mean, you totally DESERVE to be blown up at this point.

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    Skynet' Problem Solving Committee #1:

    This Connor kid is really frying our banana, what should we do about it?

    Well, we have this pretty kickass time machine that we've been kind of wondering what to do with, so maybe if we just, you know, send back one of our new killer robots into the past...

    Good, good idea, but when? When should we send this awesome killing machine back into the past? His mom! His mom is perfect to kill. Let's wait till she's a helpless adult.

    A baby? God, that's disgusting! I'll pretend you didn't just say that.

    Oops, our top-of-the-line killing robot just got killed by a waitress with feathered hair who rides a moped.

  2. 2

    Skynet Problem Solving Committee #2:

    Can we just keep doing this forever? I mean, we have a perfectly good time machine, and all these robots designed to kill humans. One of them's gotta work.

    Ok, ok... let's try this again. We've spiffed up the model, this one doesn't have the same weaknesses that last failure had, this one can turn into a puddle or a knife or some s**t like that. And let's not make that same mistake as before... let's go after a kid this time... younger, easier target, right? Apparently they build waitresses pretty tough in the past, so a kid should be easy pickings.

    What? A baby? No, no, that would be too easy. Skynet is not in the baby-killing business.

  3. 3

    Skynet Problem Solving Committee #3

    Ok guys, THIS time it's going to work. This new model is AWESOME... plus, she's totally hot in leather. Humans like that kind of thing.

    No, I realize that the T1000 was killed by a kid and an out-of-production T-800... but that was a fluke. Much like that first time we tried this.

    Yes, I know she was a waitre-- Shut UP, this will WORK, goddamnit! Let's just give it one more try, ok? What else are we going to do?

    Will you just stop with the going back in time to kill babies? We aren't monsters for godssakes. We'll get Connor THIS time, no aging, sunken faced T-800 can stop us.

  4. 4

    Skynet Problem Solving Committee #4

    This is all going just like we planned! Thanks to all the issues with time travel, all we have to do (and I don't know why we didn't think of this before!) is get Kyle Reese. Just shut up before you mention killing him as a baby, ok? This is going to be sweet.

    Sure, it might be a little more risky, but lets just think for a second. What if we just go ahead and SAY we planned this all to work out in JUST THIS WAY? So when Connor inevitably comes busting in here to destroy us, we can be all "AHAHAHAHAHA! JUST LIKE WE WANTED!"

    It's going to be awesome, I can't wait to see his face.

    Yeah, yeah, and when Connor DOES come, we can just send that same old T-800 after him to battle in the very end.

    Just one, we want him to have a sporting chance. Don't want anyone to say that Skynet doesn't play fair, after all.

    And as for his dad, Kyle, well, we will just hunt him down.

    What? Kill him? Well, that might SOUND like a good idea, after all, it would take care of our John Connor problem permanently... but then we would lose the SATISFACTION of seeing his face when we pit him against that T-800. Nevermind that he's already killed two superior models and then hundreds of them since in the war.... it's going to be CLASSIC.

    Yeah, I know we actually CAUGHT Kyle Reese... but lets just... I don't know, hang on to him for a bit.

    Well, yeah, we did send that 40 story tall robot to collect him, and that wasn't cheap. The stories that big guy can tell about his 2 week long trek across California to stomp over to that gas station.... well, he's got some doozys. I know YOU guys thought that it would have been better, or maybe smarter or more "efficient" to just BOMB the place where he was... but I think the 40 story tall robot had more poetry. Kyle IS the father of our nemesis, after all. Can't just kill him outright.

    AnyHOO, everything is going to work out this time, guys. You'll see. Skynet RULES. Now, let's go kick humanity's ass!

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