42 Woody Allen Quotes

Does art imitate life, or does life imitate TV?

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve immortality through not dying

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

My one regret in life is that I'm not someone else.

A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.

If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they left things.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

A Bay Area Bisexual told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one consider that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

I don't believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.