Leaders, ethicists and pure geniuses need not apply. A career in politics -- where the base requirement is claylike pliability -- is not for the strong-minded. As a politician, one should have only one goal in mind: To become what the corporate sponsors they get paid by make them to be. This brief list of tips is a reflection of historical happenings that seem to be the true guidelines to success as a politician. If history is truth, then these tips should get that potential politician the job he or she is so hungrily seeking.
Plant A Tree
Do something good, like plant a tree, then hold a press conference in front of where you planted it explaining why it's so good of you. The media cameras will likely focus on the little pile of dirt that will eventually become a tree. Just in case your foot makes its way in to the camera’s shot, be sure to wear really dirty, "Made in the U.S.A." boots to show how hard you worked while telling your gardener to drop those little tree seeds in to the ground. During your seed presentation speech, use keywords like "green" and "contributes to non-imported energy consumption." Then sit back and wait for your phone to ring...you'll pick up a corporate sponsor in no time and POOF! You're made!
Ignore Your Constituents
Unemployment, homelessness and starvation all rise just like bank, insurance company and telecom corporation bottom lines do; right? That’s all thanks to hard work from great politicians! Clearly attention is being given somewhere...just not to Uncle Sam's nieces and nephews. Face it, your constituents did their jobs already when they voted you in. No need to pretend they matter anymore. Listen to what they have to say, then logically assume the sponsors you really work for want the opposite. Make that opposite happen!
Dress To Kill
Face it, you're going to have sex with several people to get where you're going. Whether you’re married or not, approach every day at the office as if it is a swanky night out on the Sunset strip. Cologne or perfume, sharp business suits and really nice breath can all literally get you in bed with the right people…people who can thank you for a wild night by some sort of corporate sponsorship. Be warned though, hotel room romps tend to yield golden handcuff sponsorships. Likely, the co-romper will have captured your party on video and will threaten to expose you if necessary. Choose these sponsorships wisely.
Denying everything truly does get people tired enough to simply not care anymore. Steal money on the behalf of your sponsors, then deny, deny, deny. The truth will only get you in to heaven. What good does that do for banks, insurance companies and telecom corporations? Be real! And anyways, everyone knows spending eternity in marshmallow clouds can't possibly be as gratifying as downing a steak and scotch while making jokes about paper-cutting your butt while wiping your ass with hundred dollar bills; right?