5 Tips To Becoming A Politician

Do something good, like plant a tree, then hold a press conference in front of where you planted it explaining why it's so good of you. The media cameras will likely focus on the little pile of dirt that will eventually become a tree. Just in case your foot makes its way in to the camera’s shot, be sure to wear really dirty, "Made in the U.S.A." boots to show how hard you worked while telling your gardener to drop those little tree seeds in to the ground. During your seed presentation speech, use keywords like "green" and "contributes to non-imported energy consumption." Then sit back and wait for your phone to ring...you'll pick up a corporate sponsor in no time and POOF! You're made!

Unemployment, homelessness and starvation all rise just like bank, insurance company and telecom corporation bottom lines do; right? That’s all thanks to hard work from great politicians! Clearly attention is being given somewhere...just not to Uncle Sam's nieces and nephews. Face it, your constituents did their jobs already when they voted you in. No need to pretend they matter anymore. Listen to what they have to say, then logically assume the sponsors you really work for want the opposite. Make that opposite happen!

Face it, you're going to have sex with several people to get where you're going. Whether you’re married or not, approach every day at the office as if it is a swanky night out on the Sunset strip. Cologne or perfume, sharp business suits and really nice breath can all literally get you in bed with the right people…people who can thank you for a wild night by some sort of corporate sponsorship. Be warned though, hotel room romps tend to yield golden handcuff sponsorships. Likely, the co-romper will have captured your party on video and will threaten to expose you if necessary. Choose these sponsorships wisely.

Denying everything truly does get people tired enough to simply not care anymore. Steal money on the behalf of your sponsors, then deny, deny, deny. The truth will only get you in to heaven. What good does that do for banks, insurance companies and telecom corporations? Be real! And anyways, everyone knows spending eternity in marshmallow clouds can't possibly be as gratifying as downing a steak and scotch while making jokes about paper-cutting your butt while wiping your ass with hundred dollar bills; right?

You could propose legislation capable of saving the whole country from starvation, disease and homelessness, but no one will ever know, let alone care to help. Yell though, and you will have every ear in the galaxy on you. Anything can get done this way! A fellow politician wants to pass legislation that imposes harsher punishments for child molesters but your corporate sponsor doesn't like that idea. It seems your sponsor benefits financially from molesters remaining loose on the streets because they are in the business of making magical government subsidized pills that are supposed to heal said sickos -- possible side effects of which, by the way, may include suicide, nausea and self-mutilation. Whereas this used to be a dilemma to the old "human" you, it should now be viewed as a speed bump to the new "sponsored politician you." Truth is, your fellow politician is likely just representing a competing corporate sponsor anyways; flatten that speed bump. Tip: That’s how politicians think, they have speed bumps and open highways and absolutely nothing else. So what do you do? Yell, "Saving children will only lead to hardships down the road!" Guaranteed, the law won't pass. You yelled.