He Abandons His Friendsv
With absolute reckless abandon, Mario constantly throws his friends under the bus (and sometimes literally -- Mario Kart, anyone?).
The biggest and most shining example, other than not giving Toad any credit, is how he treats Yoshi. Yoshi is easily one of the most altruistic, selfless and heroic characters in video game history. He and his people hatch out of eggs and from birth decide to help out a plumber hired to save the people of their kingdom. When the dinosaurs of the Yoshi clan eat certain enemies or evildoers, they get the power to fly or spit fire. WHY ARE THESE ANIMALS DISPOSABLE? This is an amazing skill, and a wonderous, giving animal that should be treasured, preserved and kept safe, fed well and treated like a king.
Instead, Mario treats them like most of us do laundry pennies. The attached video illustrates the point perfectly.
What the hell? Why is this necessary? You can't climb? You can't just get a running start, or maybe go somewhere to eat the right enemies so that you and your brave, loyal friend can both make it to save your girlfriend? No. Apparently this is too hard for Mario. He's the kind of guy that feels he has to resort to launching his poor unsuspecting friend into what we can only imagine is a limitless chasm filled with a death just long enough to realize that someone you trusted has betrayed you. This will be Yoshi's last thought. Every time Mario uses him to get a extra 3 feet of air. Every. F*cking. Time.
But, to be fair, we've all tried to make impossible jumps before
Also, why the hell does he bring Luigi on the journeys and not Toad? Nepotism, that's f*ucking why. Toad did better than butter-shoes Luigi in Super Mario Bros. 2. Toad always beats him to the castle. Always. If Toad has prior knowledge of not only the Princess's location, but was able to get to that part of the castle BEFORE Mario, then why the hell do they even need Mario? Toad's stealth skills could save the Princess and all would be well. Mario just kills everything and is much more a blunt object. If this is the case, then you really have to admit that Mario is the Superman of the Mushroom Kingdom, because he uses his speed, strength and power to save the day. But do we really need that? No. What does the Mushroom Kingdom really need? A Batman. And with his stealth, familiarity within the kingdom and protective head gear, Toad is basically the Batman of the Mushroom Kingdom. I say, leave the plumber alone and let Toad do what he does best: creepily get everywhere before everyone else and somehow know where everyone already is.
That's probably why he's always flipping Mario off, too. Because he not only beat him to it, but he refuses to help because Mario doesn't acknowledge him.
Tries to Kill a Baby Gorilla for Trying to Save His Own Father
Mario's animal cruelty is unrivaled in video games; but no animal in his path gets it worse than Donkey Kong Junior (except maybe Yoshi).
So, when Donkey Kong Senior, father of Donkey Kong Junior (who grows up to be the Donkey Kong we all currently know and love -- and yes, this is true, trust me), gets captured by Mario after the first Donkey Kong arcade game (this was back when Mario still went by the name Jumpman), his son comes to his rescue. This is the premise of Donkey Kong Junior for the arcade, Colecovision later the NES console.
This commercial depicts Mario as he really is. An evil puppetmaster of lies.
So when you watch this, and when you watch some Donkey Kong Junior game footage, you realize that Mario, throughout this entire game, is actually whipping the animals that he sends after this poor, innocent ape just trying to save what is apparently the only family he has left. Mario, though, is on a power trip from when Donkey Kong kidnapped Pauline, the most popular Guidette in video game history, Mario's first girlfriend and the girl he's trying to save in the original Donkey Kong arcade game. I can kind of understand where he's coming from.
I mean, look at her. She's pretty slammin', as far as Mario's girlfriends go.
(He really should've locked that down...)
So, after losing this fine piece of, what is obviously "Jersey", ass, Mario decides that it's important to not only keep Donkey Kong in captivity forever, but to actually kill (instead of imprison) the adorable son that tries to rescue his father.
"No prisoners": that's the kind of man Mario is. He has absolutely no respect for due process.
And to top it all off he whips the animals that work for him...
What an absolute piece of sh*t. He's not only making it so that this young ape has to die just because the ape doesn't want to live/be raised alone, but he sends out slave labor. And this slave labor is treated as poorly as it possibly can. From alligators, to birds with abnormally large beaks, to vultures, he whips every single animal he can get his gloved hands on. But not only that, he dangles fruit just out of their reach, torturing them, letting them know who's in charge (he is).
Despite the other counts of animal cruelty that Mario enjoys on a regular basis, this is probably the worst of it all.
Poor Donkey Kong Junior. He probably never saw it comin'.
I mean, he even looks evil...
... He even has a curled mustache like a 40's cartoon villain. I'm surprised he didn't just tie Donkey Kong Senior to the nearest train tracks.
Invites His Friends' Enemies to His Parties
The Mario Party 1 - 8 are party games meant for two or more players that involve Mario inviting all his friends over to play party games. This seems simple enough, and these games are actually kind of a cool thing to do with your friends. It's like Mario and his friends' "game night".
There are also a barrage of characters you can't usually play, such as Luigi (as discussed later in this list), Peach (who, for the amount of times she's been captured, shouldn't even have use of her arms by now) and Toad (who is the most qualified hero in the Mushroom Kingdom, according to previous items). And you can also play as characters like Bowser, Boo, Shy Guy, Hammer Brothers and more...
Wait, what? Really?
Mario invites those guys to their game night? He invites people who have not only hurt, kidnapped and tried to kill the other party goers, but people who are essentially known terrorists? I, for one, don't even invite my friends' ex-girlfriends to parties I know they're going to be at, let alone sworn enemies, or people who have traumatized them for life.
It's not only a huge dick move, but it goes to show just how insensitive Mario really is. He's a self-serving, egotistical, sociopath for inviting all of these people to the same party.
"Let's play Charades!"
Also, what kind of dick stays friends with these guys? It's not like they went to jail together. HE's the one who brings them to justice. What's he even doing talking to these people?
Who wants to play a game of bubble popping or "shake the can" with someone who's stretched the limits of the amount of fear you can feel as a person and who's scarred you for life? Nobody, that's who. And Mario doesn't give a f*ck.
And to really nail in the point, there's an annoying announcer/moderator hired? This is like the person who gets their birthday party catered. It's all about status. Who the hell needs more than some simple hors d'oeuvres? Mario's that kind of guy.
F*ck Mario for this.
Makes His Brother Come with Him to Save HIS Girlfriend
Have you ever had an errand you needed to run? A really important, life-or-death errand that you had to deal with that you were not only responsible for, but would endanger other people's lives? Mario has. He does all the time for some reason (most likely because of his high-maintenance girlfriend). And when he does, he brings his brother AND treats him like a second-class citizen the entire time.
You know all those power-ups that make a person stronger, more powerful and that increase their ability to survive in the life or death situations that are scattered around the Mushroom Kingdom? Mario gets first dibs. Not ONCE has Luigi ever been given the Player 1 spot. Only in his own games, but that's basically like saying that sure, your brother never gets served first at dinner at your house, but he always eats first when he's alone!
That not only doesn't cater to having a healthy fraternal relationship, but it means that Mario is an entitled egotist who thinks the world revolves not only around him (because that would be too humble for Mario), but it revolves around his problems.
If I were Luigi, this is probably how I would handle the situation
And to top it all off, at the end of the day, Luigi doesn't even get to reap the fruits of their labor. Mario gets a kiss and Luigi never gets a thank you. So not only is Luigi being dragged along for something that shouldn't even be his problem, he's being dragged along for a thankless, life-threatening deed. Luigi, therefore, is the greatest hero of the Mario franchise.
Also, when have you ever seen Princess Peach thank Luigi? Exactly. She's a C-bag too.
These two assbutts deserve each other.
He Uses His Fists to Communicate
Even when he was practicing medicine (technically unlicensed, I mean, did you see him go to medical school?), Mario has always been, as has already been discussed, a blunt force. His bedside manner consisted pretty much of throwing pills at you. Literally. That's all he did. Worst doctor EVER.
Also, I'm not sure if you ever noticed this, but as soon as Mario meets Yoshi, Yoshi is really glad to see him. "Thank you for rescuing me. I was on my way to rescue my friends, Bowser trapped me in this egg..." is what Yoshi says to Mario.
How does Mario respond to this?
By jumping on his back, forcing him to overeat by punching him in the f*cking throat, ditching him at every point he can, and by making him travel long distances as a pet. Yoshi introduces himself as an equal and Mario uses him as a form of transportation.
"Hello, friend!" "Hello, SLAVE!"
This isn't heroism. It's borderline torture. And it's disrespect for the inhabitants of this land. He kills a whole bunch of dinosaurs before Yoshi hatches, too. These could have been his relatives.
"Well, he has to kill them, otherwise they hurt him!"
OF COURSE THEY WANT TO KILL HIM. HE'S TERRORIZING THEIR HOME.
Aside from this, Mario uses his fists to steal money from wherever he finds it and to single-handedly destroy everything in his path... which will be discussed once you click "next" or "2"...
He Destroys the Kingdom He Was Hired to Save
Mario exists for one purpose, and for one purpose alone: to save the day. And he always accomplishes this task. But, again, like Superman, he accomplishes it by using brute force. So, like Superman, he leaves no building un-demolished, no nearby weapon unused (even if it's a part of the local ecosystem or is part of an important structure) and he sure as hell makes sure that he's left a war path.
And we all know Superman's no saint himself
Other than destroying the Kingdom that he's supposed to be saving, he's also pillaging every major government building he encounters due solely to the fact that someone he didn't like very much was just hanging out there.
He turns this beautiful, life-filled castle
I mean, why demolish a building completely once a Koopaling or Bowser is defeated? Why? Aren't most people anywhere Mario goes just kind of wandering around? It seems like most people are HOMELELESS. These people could not only find shelter, refuge and peace in these castles that Mario is decimating at an alarming pace, but they could live there forever!
Sure, they aren't the safest place for children, what with the lava and all, but they would be better than living on the streets, or the hot brick (or grass) surfaces where it is always sunny.
He also feels entitled to each and every piece of currency he comes across and pulls a Grand Theft Auto move by getting coins and points from his enemies. Not only is he killing creatures as he encounters new ones, but he's using them for his own personal gain. This makes Grand Theft Auto seem tame in comparison, if not for just the sheer amount of carnage involved in a Mario rampage (or as you call them, "levels") vs. a GTA mission.
"Free money? Why not? I don't live here!"
When he consumes their natural resources (mushrooms that turn him into a giant, stars that make him impervious to pain and/or various suits he finds that give him super powers), he also uses them up to their fullest extent and doesn't save them, or take them somewhere to be preserved and possibly re-used, he just disposes of them.
Like a dick.
He Saves the Princess, But Never Protects Her
Most victims of any kind of assault, no matter how minor, if they have the right support systems, eventually seek out some form of protection or insurance to make sure that what happened to them will never happen to them again.
Princess Peach isn't that smart. And I don't know, maybe Mario trusts her more than he should, or maybe he just doesn't care, but either way, this guy is being a complete negligent jerkwad by letting her get captured time and time again.
If it's really that dangerous in the Mushroom Kingdom with Bowser around, then why the hell don't they just move out of the Mushroom Kingdom? With the amount of building demolishings, explosions, flying bombs, genetically engineered turtles and terrorists running around, the Mushroom Kingdom seems like a worse place to live than Afghanistan.
Either way, through his travels, Mario has encountered warp whistles, giant boots that protect him and help him get around, suits that make him powerful, invincibility stars, the ability to throw fire, the ability to travel under water faster than a normal human being and, most importantly, mushrooms that make him a giant.
WHY DOESN'T HE SHARE ANY OF THIS WITH THE PRINCESS???
If Mario bothered to not just save her (which, as it turns out, is really quite the band-aid solution when it comes to her), but to actually protect her, he'd not only teach her how to fight (better), but he'd arm her with the f*cking weapons that have allowed him to save the day countless times.
This adorable outfit will SAVE YOUR LIFE!
Think about the Princess and how much easier her life would be if she had the Mushroom Kingdom's version of pepper spray on her at all times. Problem solved.
Not only that, but if he's had the power to fly for YEARS, then why the hell doesn't he just do that all the time? It'd actually keep people in danger for less time and would just generally make the whole "saving people" thing more efficient.
"I don't know if this yellow complements my eyes, I better put the world in danger"
If Princess Peach could defend herself, we wouldn't have to deal with all the political turmoil in the Mushroom Kingdom, and most importantly, we wouldn't have to deal with Mario. Cause f*ck that guy, amirite?
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