8 Creative Ways To Style Your "Situation" Before Your Pap By Juliet Jacobs 

Denuding in front of a woman who made it through med school is intimidating enough, but nothing makes a lady feel like more of a trashbag than showing a doctor her Lady Vaga when it's waxed so bald it could star in its own episode of To Catch a Predator...



Enter, the Merkin.



Use of the v-stache dates back to the mid 1400s when common street whores glued on vagibeards to hide their syphilis symptoms. What’s that? You didn’t realize a list about vagardening would contain more useless information than a transcript of Alex Trebeck sleep talking? Well, here's a juicy tidbit:



Merkins were also employed to hide the alopubecia that tends to occur when a prostitute discovers she’s contracted a lice infestation on her light-socket and has no choice but to mow her Lady-Lawn with a Lady Bic.



But you don’t have to exterminate a menagerie of flesh-eating parasites to appreciate the joys of applying hair extensions to your Downtown Disney. If you like a Brazillian wax for the bedroom but don’t want to bring your kinkfest into the exam room, the merkin is the miracle (grow) product for you.



Simply remove the glue strip, place hair where it would naturally appear if you weren’t so ashamed of the style The Holy Father (or a Korean woman) chose for you, and trim the edges, so the esteemed doctor doesn’t have to hunt through a forest of fake follicles to find your danger zone.

We’ve all heard the old cliché about the carpet matching the drapes, but if we’ve learned anything from Oprah’s interior design guru, it’s that we shouldn’t be afraid to play with colors.

Get in there and really mix and match. Use the full spectrum of the color palate. Pretend you’re Bob Ross. If you’re a golden blonde on top, try gray accents below. Youth on your head, wisdom on your V for Vendetta.

Your doctor will appreciate how your creativity enlivened her quotidian routine.

Think of the Nate Berkus as your color mullet: business on your cranium, party in your paper gown.

Rich people aren't the only ones who get to enjoy the pleasures of topiaries on their grassy knolls.

Take a cue from America's favorite goth-kid-inspiration and hack your bush into a majestic elephant, or even a graceful giraffe. Let the curlies fly until you've got a menagerie of animal friends frolicking on your lower lady lumps, like it's a Disney movie.

Then, just like a Chia pet, watch your gyno's eyes grow.

Screw the rules that govern society. Don't be afraid to go rogue. Sculpt some moose, maybe a bison or a deer on there and you've got yourself what we call "The Sarah Palin".

We all like to believe the person we’re talking to is listening and nonverbal cues are a huge part of that. But if you don’t have a baby crowning down there, whose eyes is she supposed to look into while she’s talking? Imagine how your gyno feels, all the way down there, a cloth draped over her head like she’s some kind of second class citizen.



Unless you want to risk an accidental sterilization via Q-Tip, you can’t really nod your pelvis in agreement when she asks if you’re taking your prenatal vitamins and are getting enough calcium.



The best way to let her know you care and are paying attention to her vaginal advice is to draw a face on your love mound.



Shave everywhere except where the eyebrows, eyelashes, and mustache will appear. This creates a 3D style that would give James Cameron a run for his (crazy amounts of) money.



Draw the missing features in and you might find your gynecologist so overcome with appreciation, she herself will be speechless.



That’s okay. Just remind her that you're not a guy, and that you’re listening.



That both of you are.