9 Companies That Should Buy Playboy By Chico DePaco [2 more lists]

Playboy's stock has been hugely depressed, and Hef himself is trying to lead a banker-backed buyout, the news of which caused the stock to double this week ( http://ow.ly/2bDdS ). Other companies are jumping into the fray, including Adult Friendfinder, who purchased Penthouse a few years back. We've put our "dealmaker" hat on and generated a list of the companies who would generate the most "synergies" from a merger with Playboy.

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The Huffington Post

Why HuffPo, you ask?

HuffPo's pageviews are already inflated by soft p**n . Even though their bikini picture galleries are really pushing the cutting edge of necessary journalism (click here for one of them - is that Cindy Crawford?) , we think they can take it a little bit further than this. If they went bought out Playboy, all they would have to do is take up the p**n ONE notch, actually make real money on it and feature models/pictures that aren't 20 years out-of-date.

Also, Playboy is as soft as p**n gets these days, what with "the internet" and all. And while their news has suffered (back in the 70s, the monthly Playboy Interview was actually one of the most in-depth pieces of content in American journalism, famously even getting Jimmy Carter in trouble ).

Check out this great talkingpointsmemo article about HuffPo slowly going p**n.

We smell synergy.

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The UFC

Why would Dana White and his Vega$ backers buy Playboy?

-They are flush with cash

-They are still trying to acquire a level of mainstream legitimacy while maintaining bad-boy cred.

-Many old-school boxing fans are still very resistant to Ultimate Fighting, partly out of ignorance due to the earlier, less controlled days of the UFC as well as the obnoxious nu-metal packaging of the brand. But find me an old-school boxing fan who doesn't respond to the Playboy brand and I will get in the ring with Mike Tyson OR Chuck Liddell myself.

-Rather than date (smack around?) p**n stars , UFC fighters could be seen in public kanoodling with Playmates; which would add a touch of class to the UFC franchise. Especially after Tito Ortiz (UFC fighter) was accused of abusing Jenna Jameson during their relationship. Cause hey, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

-We'd all like to see less of that tired Affliction merch on UFC torsos.

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3

Ed Hardy

With their ever-popular brand of overpriced things that people can already get for free (or much cheaper) elsewhere, who better to market the "pay for porn" empire than $100 T-Shirt kings, Ed Hardy. From a marketing standpoint, the pairing is perfect.

Not only do they have the douchebag market cornered, but they would be able to provide each playmate with a matching boyfriend and even include some brand integration with every paparazzi shot.

They can also feature an Ed Hardy shirt in every centerfold shoot, because pretty much everyone is bored of those long, boring and dated diamond necklaces, fishnets and blankets that the girls usually wear.

Plus, once they can afford their OWN Playboy mansion, what better tagline has ever existed for any party thrown by the Ed Hardy brand than "Party Hardy"? You're welcome.

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4

Clairol

Clairol should get down and beg to buy Playboy, whose eternal blondes grace nearly every cover of every magazine printed going back to the stone age. Playboy probably single-handedly created the concept of blonde equating to sexy (and before you say anything, Marilyn Monroe did Playboy in 1953).

And as Hef gets older (maybe you get colorblind as you age?), his personal blonde-bias is almost 100% (see photos). The Playboy concept of beauty can now be summed up in two words "pneumatic blonde".

So, give a little back, Clairol. Because you're worth it.

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5

QVC

Late-night, couch-bound audience with credit card + soft-core p**n = no brainer.

Just think if all of those lovely ladies were selling something other than their bodies/images. Yeah, the typical Playmate isn't the brightest bulb on the shelf, but we are confident they can go head-to-head with the average QVC shill.

Imagine the Shake Weight infomercial (click here to see original) starring Playmates. This would sell in the DROVES.

Playmates have already got experience selling anything from sex toys to (see video to the left) even presentations of the "ten biggest c*cks on television". I know I'd tune in.

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6

Microsoft

Why Microsoft? Well, this lifeless, soulless company could really use a shot of cool.

With one X-Boxian exception, they've never been able to manufacture cool.

And when you can't build, you buy.

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7

Apple Inc.

If they get a sense that Microsoft is sniffing around, Apple will at least take a gander.

Why Apple? For a company that is mostly about image and less about cutting edge technology (see: iPad, and even the new iPhone 4 ), Apple certainly hasn't taken an adequate dip into the pool of the "sexy" yet. If anyone can make electronics as hot as hot girls in shiny bikinis, it's Apple. Actually, maybe they should buy American Apparel, but that's another list for another time.

Taking Playboy off of Hef's hands and making it into a brand that exploits not only its customers, but its models and products is genius marketing. It brings Apple into a whole new realm and allows for quite an insane amount of completely NSFW (yet long-awaited) iPhone apps, videos and use cases ( as well as phone cases ).

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8

SPANX

Spanx (a brand of slimming under-clothing that's a mix between a girdle and spandex) is fast becoming a must-have for every jiggly spare-tire in the country, and a much needed "body bra" for any insecure borderline-heavy person who doesn't want to work out (yet).

Who better to buy Playboy than these guys?

They probably have the cash to spare from all those waistlines-in-need, and they can have the models slip on these skin-tighties sans top and not only start a whole new trend, but make a KILLING.

Hey ladies, you too can look like these emaciated, surgically altered women. All you need is a pair of rubberized granny-panties, and you can keep slathering mayo on every sandwich!

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China

Technically not a "company", but easily the most powerful corporate institution in the world (next to Justin Bieber), China could maximize the Playboy brand like no other entity.

Why China?

For at least 10 years, the magazine, website, and other media aspects of Playboy have been a loss-leader. Where do all the profits come? From the brand - a massive merch machine that has managed to straddle the line between hipsters and rednecks without burning out either market.

China's factories could carpet-bomb the developed and developing world with inexpensive-yet-high-margin tchotchkies, t-shirts, trucker hats and coffee table books far more efficiently than hundreds of licensees. Cut out the middleman!

Sure, China is VERY prude. They'd probably ditch the magazine entirely, and I'm sure they wouldn't even let their own citizens hit the website. If China buys Playboy, it's safe to say we'll never see a glossy fake tata under that brand again.

But this is business. It's all about milking the brand, to death if need be.

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Showing items 1 - 5 of 9

The UFC

Ed Hardy

China