9. The Lord of Shadowgate (ShadowGate)Ever play Shadowgate on the NES (or any of the original systems it appeared on)? If not consider yourself lucky, and a far less frustrated individual than myself.BUY @ AMAZON
Very early on in the game you hear a voice that informs you that the "only thing you will find here is a horrible death!"
He's not lying.
This is probably the most seen screen in the whole game.
Everything fricking kills you in this game! Floors collapse, Dragons burn you into cinders, sharks gnaw on you sensitive parts, slime dissolves you into so much flesh-stew, and your skull is crushed by a cyclops who probably proceeds to use it for some sort of horrible unsanitary purpose.
It's pure trial-and-error madness death, and the Lord of the place, an unnamed Warlock is at the heart of it.
He's a bitched for making myself and many others have to endure such a masochistic parade of doom . . . but on the other hand, he's also pretty much a non-character. I mean sure he's got a cool trap-filled castle, and is able of summoning a behemoth and shooting deathrays out of his staff . . . but he doesn't even have a name!
Or maybe he does, but it's something really lame like Percy, or Jermaine, or, like Melvin. Melvin the Warlock?! Yeah a moniker like that would probably turn most of us to the dark arts bent on world domination too.
So while a kickass pad definitely fits within Sheen's, erm, mindset, the most likely crappy name would kill it for our resident Vatican Assassin-
-that's just not how he rolls.
8. Saradin (Ogre Battle)Saradin's one of the only good guys on the list . . . so I'm thinking he probably fails the Sheen test.BUY @ AMAZON
That's kind of like a screen test, only it involves a more hookers and blow (of every kind you can imagine), but I digress.
Now he's got a pretty standard "wise old wizard" look going on . . .
. . . definitely the mark of a goody two shoes do-gooder good guy. . . . good.
But he didn't start out as the nancy boy you might think:
In the original Ogre Battle: March of the Black Queen (all games that are references to multiple Queen songs are EPIC WINS by the way) on the SNES. Saradin started on the side of the devils, working under the evil Wizard Rashidi, who was pretty much the big bad of the entire series, but we'll never truly find out as it's never going to happen since the series creator up and quit on us. This is probably why he's considered a Warlock and all.
But then you go through some bullsh*t, and get him on your side to overthrow the eponymous Black Queen. However, Saradin is cool enough to show up in both Ogre Battle 64: Person of Lordly Caliber, as one of the Zenobian Rebels, AND briefly in Tactics Ogre: Let Us Cling Together, recently just re-released (heh "re-re") on the PSP. So he's obviously an important cat in this tiny strategy RPG series that most of history has forgotten - but hey I'm not a bitter fan or anything . . .
Still, he turns out to be noble "on the inside". What the hell kind of nature is that for a frigging Warlock?
Also he looks too much like Gandalf, so there's no way Sheen thinks he's this guy- I mean come on, old age is as much for suckers as death is. As he has to limit himself to the standard "fighting for the people" cliche, we'll take a pass on old Sara here, and try for some evil Warlocks as unbound by all that noise as Sheen is unbound in the ol' noggin.
7. Gul'Dan (Warcraft)One of the tougher parts on this list was actually thinking of Warlocks that AREN'T from Warcraft. I mean the series has the market cornered on these guys, what with them being units you could build in the old RTS games, and a playable class in WoW. But I don't care how epic your WoW 'Lock is, it's just not as epic as any of the actual named ones from the series roots.BUY @ AMAZON
Like Gul'Dan here...
This dude created the horde.
That's right, you heard me. The whole army of bloodthirsty, rage-driven Orc and Ogres? He banded them together and led them to invade Azeroth way back when in the original Warcraft. His list of awesome villainy is pretty superb, tricking and conniving his own people into needless wars, raiding the minds or sorcerers, and summoning various demons and devils to his cause of limitless power and godhood.
Yeah he's a badass.
So baddass in fact that when he was finally ripped to shreds by a host of demons, his skull was still able to be used as a weapon, and he would corrupt any who held it . . . while dead!
It looks like someone's face was melted off . . . though I wonder how many children wept over his exploded body?
But let's be honest here, Sheen's a pretty boy actor, and while there's no doubt of Gul'Dan's might, he's still an ugly old orc. I just don't see how he could envision himself as this particular Warlock,as the last vestige of Gul'Dan, his skull is eventually destroyed by some blind night-elf!
Destroyed by a blind guy? That's just not enough bi-winning for Charlie!
6. Gal Agiese (Magician Lord)OK, so here's one I think might actually be a contender. Gal Agiese is definitely full of tiger blood AND Adonis DNA.BUY @ AMAZON
Why? Well how about the fact that this guy, the main villain from the old side-scrolling SNK action-platformer Magician Lord, makes sure that before every boss battle, he teleports onto the scene, floats there, and insults or challenges the main character, and then hightails it! Why? He's got sh*t to do! Like going back to his pleasure palace and sleeping with a bevy of goddesses.
That's right, for most of the game, this guy uses all of the hideously evil black magic that I'm sure took lifetimes to obtain, just to be a dick to you!
Plus a bunch of his lines are obvious precursors to what Sheen's "complex" brain is misfiring today, stuff like:
"That power is powerless in our presence."
"You persistent guy. But your life ends right now."
"You are very dangerous. Be dead down here."
"Come on nice guy! But your life is mine very soon."
Just watch the video for some of the amazing, Birdemic level line reading.
Having spent so many years performing magic then forgetting about it the next day, Gal also apparently forgot how to string two sentences together without embarrassing himself.
Hmm, appearing out of nowhere to spout nonsense and then disappearing . . . only to reappear a bit later and spout more nonsense?
Yeah, that's pretty close to someone currently stealing media attention whose name rhymes with Barley Keen in his "Screw Grace, I'm outta here!" campaign.
In fact, Gal here might actually be the inspiration for it! He's definitely batting over 1000 percent on craziness!
5. Magus (Chrono Trigger)So is Magus a Warlock or just you know, a magi like his name suggests?BUY @ AMAZON
Well I'm obviously siding with 'lock or I wouldn't put him on this list, but since he originally learned magic like all residents of Zeal, from siphoning it off of the great subterranean horror Lavos, I'm going to say he technically qualifies.
So what makes him as awesome as an F-18, bro?
Well first off, he wields a scythe in battle and yeah, that's just cool. He hangs out with middle ages monsters Ozzie, Slash, and Flea, so he's obviously in a heavy metal band. He turned some stupid squire named Glenn into a walking, talking toad, and he's trying to summon aforementioned lovecraftian horror Lavos into the world, just so he can slay him by himself!
Plus he has blue hair!
Gotta have blue hair.
So yeah, he's definitely a contender. Until you realize that deep down, Magus is just a traumatized widdle boy forever haunted by his sister's apparent death.
Great, angst. That kind of kills the sense of winning doesn't it?
Sheen is above such nonsense, duh. After all, he's tired of pretending he's not a total rockstar from mars, and Magus here despite probably BEING a rockstar, would rather have his "family" back. What a loser. Just deal with it.
Of course a bunch of gothy angst does usually lead to cool art like the following portrait:
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