- 1+ 14- 4
Investigating Paranormal ActivityvParanormal Investigator: "We're investigating paranormal activity at the Johnson residence in suburban Los Angeles."
The Paranormal Investigator gives the quick overview of the film's plot, that he is investigating odd happenings at a home in suburban Los Angeles. Yes, that's really the extent of the plot.
- 2+ 8- 1
911, What's Your Emergency?Dispatcher: "Los Angeles County 911, what is your emergency?"
Possessed Female: "Three… Three people are dead. I killed them."
Dispatcher: "Who killed them?"
Malcolm: "My d***! Ha, ha, he fell for it!"
It seems as though a possessed woman is calling 911 to report a murder. That is until the scene is revealed to be nothing more than a prank by Malcolm and Kisha.
- 3+ 9- 3
I'm a PsychicChip: "Hi, I'm Chip. You must be Malcolm."
Malcolm: "Yeah, that's pretty good. How'd you know?"
Chip: "I'm a psychic. I have a lot of powers all over my body."
Psychic Chip seems pretty impressive when he already knows Malcolm's name but things change quickly from pleasant to just plain weird.
- 4+ 5- 0
Tic Tac ToeFather Doug: "I'm Father Doug. I'm here to unpossess you."
Kisha: "Do you know how to connect the cuts?"
Father Doug: "Uh, uh, uh, tac tac toe in your face!"
Father Doug seems to be dedicated to excising the demon from Kisha but that soon goes awry when his competitive side kicks in and he happily plays tic tac toe in the cuts on her arm.
- 5+ 5- 0
I'll Do AnythingChip: "How far are you going to go to get this demon out?"
Malcolm: "I'll do anything." [returns in a bondage suit]
Paranormal Investigator: "What is this supposed to do?"
Father Doug: "This just got weird."
When Malcolm says he's willing to do anything to excise the demon, dressing up in a bondage suit wasn't really what he had in mind.
- 6+ 5- 0
Protection From SpiritsvChip: "You know what? There is some dark energy over here."
Malcolm: "Ahh, the spirit got me! Why do you have your hands on by b***s?"
Chip: "I'm protecting them from the spirits."
Psychic Chip sure seems dedicated to protecting Malcolm from the spirit inhabiting his home. Then again maybe Chip is a little too protective, especially in that it involves improper touching.
- 7+ 7- 4
Someone So CuteMalcolm: "How could someone so cute be so stink?"
Usually in found footage movie viewers would expect to see strange happenings and paranormal activity on these surveillance cameras. Not in "A Haunted House." Instead the surprise is a fart joke.
- 8+ 5- 2
Show Yourself!Malcolm: "Hey, Ray Ray"
Ray Ray: "What you taping for, Kisha? We're thugs, we can't be on no TV. Can't wait to get my hands on this fool. Show yourself!"
Malcolm: "No, don't do that."
Ray Ray: "What happened to your furniture, cuz?"
Hoping to handle the paranormal happenings with weapons like thugs do, Ray Ray arrives at the Johnson home with his crew. He was not prepared however for the spirit to expect him and drop all of the household furniture on his head.
- 9+ 4- 1
That BreathFather Doug: "Man that breath is kickin'! I can only imagine what the kitty smell like."
Father Doug remarks on Kisha's demon's bad breath, even going as far as to squirting breath freshener in her mouth. He also comments that if the upstairs smells this bad, he's not excited about what's going on downstairs.
- 10+ 3- 1
Sam JacksonFather Doug: "And you will know my name is the lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."
Malcolm: "Did you just quote Sam Jackson?"
Father Doug: "You got me on that one. I love Sam Jackson, dawg."
Paranormal Investigator and Father Doug: "I have had it with these motherf***ing snakes on this motherf***ing plane!"
Father Doug is acting up again. It sounds like he's preaching to this demon when really he's only quoting "Snakes on a Plane." No word on if the demon will get that reference or not.