Best Groucho Marx Quotes

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

I worked myself up from nothing to extreme poverty.

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.

No man goes before his time -- unless the boss leaves early.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Look at me. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of ones fellow man.