- 1+ 35- 1
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
- 2+ 17- 0
One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera!"
- 3+ 27- 1
I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
- 4+ 26- 1
You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green"... Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! - Unless they're suffocating - then help'em.
- 5+ 25- 1
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
- 6+ 33- 2
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."
- 7+ 47- 4
I can't tell you what hotel I'm stayin' in, but I can say that there are two trees involved. They said, "Let's call this hotel "Something...Tree", so they had a meeting; it...it was quite short. "How 'bout Tree?" "No, Double Tree." "Hell yeah! Meeting adjourned!" I had my heart set on "Quadruple Tree"... damnit, we were almost there!
- 8+ 32- 2
I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.
- 9+ 38- 3
I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
- 10+ 18- 1
On a stop light green means go and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means, 'where the fuck did you get that banana at?'
- 11+ 16- 1
I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, I found the "H" button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin'...potato chips came out man, 'cause they had a "HH" button, for Christ's sakes! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of "HH". I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's. God god dammit dammit."
- 12+ 21- 2
I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!"
- 13+ 25- 3
"I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "No". So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to. Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan fucking lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' shit."
- 14+ 19- 2
I was walking by a dry cleaner at three a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's three a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at ten and say, "Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!"
- 15+ 13- 1
I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
- 16+ 17- 2
I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
- 17+ 17- 3
You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
- 18+ 16- 3
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "no, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah".
- 19+ 11- 1
I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean."
- 20+ 14- 2
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
- 21+ 16- 4
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
- 22+ 13- 2
If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it!, build a house. Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.
- 23+ 13- 3
I did a movie with Peter Frampton. He's a musical genius, but I don't listen to his stuff. So I had to continuously try to draw attention away from the fact. Hey Frampton! Do you like toast too!? As do I. It is warm and crispy and the perfect place for jelly to lay. Now stay away from me Frampton, I ain't got shit else to say to you!
- 24+ 14- 4
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.
- 25+ 10- 1
I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "Fuck that, I'll just make a copy."
- 26+ 11- 2
Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotamus?
- 27+ 12- 3
This shirt is "dry-clean only"...which means it's dirty.
- 28+ 9- 1
I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.
- 29+ 10- 2
Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!"
- 30+ 8- 1
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy, let's get out of here.
- 31+ 8- 1
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.
- 32+ 8- 1
I have a king sized bed, I don't know any kings, but if I ever meet one I can tell him "You will not believe what I have in store for you!" "This is made to your exact specifications!" When I was little I used to lay in my twin sized bed at night wondering where my brother was.
- 33+ 8- 1
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on four billion! Fuck! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six, at least."
- 34+ 8- 1
My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower, does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.
- 35+ 9- 2
I don't have a microwave oven but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.
- 36+ 9- 2
I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
- 37+ 7- 1
This is what my friend said to me; he said, "Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like,"Dude. you have to give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you have to insert a pause."
- 38+ 7- 1
I didn’t go to college but if I did I would’ve taken all my tests at a restaurant cuz “The customer’s always right.”
- 39+ 7- 1
I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? "Fuck you, Real Estate Lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is A.K.A hallway. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it."
- 40+ 6- 1
Vending machines are big part of my life, I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up, that's a good invention, before that it was hard times for the vending machine owners, "What candy bar are you getting?", "That one, and every one on the bottom row!"
- 41+ 9- 4
When I play the South, they say "y'all" in the South. They take out the "O" and the "U". So when I'm in the South I try to talk like that so people understand me. "Hello, can I have a bowl of chicken noodle s-p? Come on, I'm in the South, you understand. I mean I'm in the S-th, and I want some s-p!" "I stubbed my toe, -ch!" "I need to lay down on the c-ch!" "I need to get the fuck -t of the S-th!"
- 42+ 7- 3
They say Flintstone's vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable, it's just that they taste shitty. I'm glad they made Flintstone's vitamins because I used to watch The Flintstones and go, "Man I bet you if I ate that dude, I would be healthy."
- 43+ 6- 2
I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."
- 44+ 6- 2
Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!"
- 45+ 5- 1
My apartment is infested with koala bears. Its the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches.
- 46+ 5- 1
My friend said to me, "I think the weather's trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought, "Man, I should've just said, 'Yeah.'"
- 47+ 5- 1
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck. An arrow killed you, they would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."
- 48+ 5- 1
When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. "Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter." But I like crackers man, that's why I bought it, 'cause I like crackers! I don't see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! You've got no faith in the product itself.
- 49+ 4- 0
Some people think I'm high on stage; I would never get high before a show, because, when I'm high, I don't wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Like, when you're high, and a joke doesn't work, it's extra scary. It's like,"Whoa, what the hell happened there? I am retreating within myself. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated? Why am I not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand?"
- 50+ 6- 3
I like wearing this pass, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.
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