- 1Up 18Down 1
I can't tell you what hotel I'm stayin' in, but I can say that there are two trees involved. They said, "Let's call this hotel "Something...Tree", so they had a meeting; it...it was quite short. "How 'bout Tree?" "No, Double Tree." "Hell yeah! Meeting adjourned!" I had my heart set on "Quadruple Tree"... damnit, we were almost there!
- 2Up 6Down 0
You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
- 3Up 7Down 1
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "no, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah".
- 4Up 5Down 0
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."
- 5Up 5Down 0
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
- 6Up 6Down 1
I did a movie with Peter Frampton. He's a musical genius, but I don't listen to his stuff. So I had to continuously try to draw attention away from the fact. Hey Frampton! Do you like toast too!? As do I. It is warm and crispy and the perfect place for jelly to lay. Now stay away from me Frampton, I ain't got shit else to say to you!
- 7Up 6Down 1
I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
- 8Up 4Down 0
I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!"
- 9Up 4Down 0
I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
- 10Up 4Down 0
I don't have a microwave oven but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.
- 11Up 4Down 0
On a stop light green means go and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means, 'where the fuck did you get that banana at?'
- 12Up 4Down 0
I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, I found the "H" button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin'...potato chips came out man, 'cause they had a "HH" button, for Christ's sakes! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of "HH". I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's. God god dammit dammit."
- 13Up 5Down 1
I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.
- 14Up 5Down 1
I was walking by a dry cleaner at three a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's three a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at ten and say, "Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!"
- 15Up 3Down 0
Vending machines are big part of my life, I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up, that's a good invention, before that it was hard times for the vending machine owners, "What candy bar are you getting?", "That one, and every one on the bottom row!"
- 16Up 3Down 0
I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."
- 17Up 3Down 0
I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "Fuck that, I'll just make a copy."
- 18Up 3Down 0
If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it!, build a house. Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.
- 19Up 3Down 0
I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
- 20Up 3Down 0
I didn’t go to college but if I did I would’ve taken all my tests at a restaurant cuz “The customer’s always right.”
- 21Up 3Down 0
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.
- 22Up 3Down 0
"I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "No". So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to. Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan fucking lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' shit."
- 23Up 3Down 0
Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!"
- 24Up 4Down 1
I like wearing this pass, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.
- 25Up 4Down 1
You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green"... Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! - Unless they're suffocating - then help'em.
- 26Up 4Down 1
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
- 27Up 5Down 2
When I play the South, they say "y'all" in the South. They take out the "O" and the "U". So when I'm in the South I try to talk like that so people understand me. "Hello, can I have a bowl of chicken noodle s-p? Come on, I'm in the South, you understand. I mean I'm in the S-th, and I want some s-p!" "I stubbed my toe, -ch!" "I need to lay down on the c-ch!" "I need to get the fuck -t of the S-th!"
- 28Up 2Down 0
Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotamus?
- 29Up 2Down 0
See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. “Sir, you forgot this!” “No, I did not. That is for ‘sale’. Please alphabetize ‘it’.”
- 30Up 2Down 0
I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.
- 31Up 2Down 0
My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower, does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.
- 32Up 2Down 0
Alright, alright. That joke’s better than you acted. Perhaps it’s not. Maybe it’s dumb. It could be. I hear you, man. I’m not a fuckin’ genius for Christ’s sakes. You know. I’m just tryin’ to tell some jokes. Shit. Who the fuck are you? That track is number fourteen. It’s called “Attitude”.
- 33Up 2Down 0
I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
- 34Up 2Down 0
I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean."
- 35Up 2Down 0
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
- 36Up 1Down 0
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy, let's get out of here.
- 37Up 1Down 0
They say Flintstone's vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable, it's just that they taste shitty. I'm glad they made Flintstone's vitamins because I used to watch The Flintstones and go, "Man I bet you if I ate that dude, I would be healthy."
- 38Up 1Down 0
This shirt is "dry-clean only"...which means it's dirty.
- 39Up 1Down 0
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on four billion! Fuck! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six, at least."
- 40Up 1Down 0
My apartment is infested with koala bears. Its the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches.
- 41Up 1Down 0
With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down'. With a banana, however, it is quite the opposite. Yellow means 'go', green means 'whoa, slow down', and red means 'where the heck did you get that banana?'
- 42Up 1Down 0
I have a new CD; it's in stores, and when you have a CD in stores, you have to do in-store appearances, and if nobody shows up, I just pretend like I'm shopping. That's how I shop; I sit behind a table with a pen.
- 43Up 1Down 0
Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!"
- 44Up 1Down 0
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
- 45Up 1Down 0
I dressed up for the CD
- 46Up 2Down 1
Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave, too."
- 47Up 2Down 1
A guy told me he liked cherries...but... I waited to see if he was gonna say tomato...before i realized he likes cherries just...alright, that joke is ridiculous. That's like a carbon copy of the previous joke but with different ingredients. I don't know what i was trying to pull off there.
- 48Up 2Down 1
I never joined the army because "at ease" never seemed that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight, still. I do not relax by putting my arms behind my back and parting my legs slightly, that does not equal ease to me. At ease is not being in the military. I'm eased bro, cause I'm not in the military.
- 49Up 0Down 0
One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera!"
- 50Up 0Down 0
This is what my friend said to me; he said, "Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like,"Dude. you have to give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you have to insert a pause."
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