Best Woody Allen Quotes

Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

The lion and the calf will lay down together, but the calf won't get much sleep..

My one regret in life is that I'm not someone else.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they left things.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve immortality through not dying

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

Does art imitate life, or does life imitate TV?

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.

Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing Embraceable You in spats.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she would come in and sink my boats.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one consider that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

A Bay Area Bisexual told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.

A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

It shows exactly what you can do if you're a total psychotic.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I don't believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.