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- 1+ 24- 3
What's Your Stripper Stage Name?Billy: "What's your stripper stage name?"
Adult Store Clerk: "Do I look like a stripper?"
Billy: "I'll just call you Cinnamon."
A clerk at an adult store is shocked when little Billy thinks she is a stripper. That is nothing compared to moments later when he gives her his own stripper name.
- 2+ 7- 2
Where Are We Going?Billy: "Where are we going?"
Irving Zisman: "Just keep going straight. You getting tired?"
Billy: "Yeah, you should drink so much."
As part of their cross-country journey to deliver Billy to his dad, Billy and Irving find themselves pushing a shopping cart in the middle of nowhere. Well, Billy at least is doing the pushing, Irving is riding in the cart, probably drunk.
- 3+ 6- 3
You're Very Pretty When You're MadSupermarket Clerk: "They're going to take that child away from you!"
Irving Zisman: "I'm sorry."
Supermarket Clerk: "You are sorry. You're sorry as hell!"
Irving Zisman: "You're very pretty when you're mad."
Supermarket Clerk: "You're pissing me off."
After a failed shoplifting attempt, the store clerk gives Irving a few choice words. Irving is oddly turned on by the outburst.
- 4+ 5- 2
You're Going to Fix That Penguin, BroRestaurant Guy: "You're going to fix that penguin, bro!"
Irving Zisman: "Nope! If I was fixing it you'd see me fixing it but, did you notice how I wasn't fixing it?" [to man on bicycle] "Watch out for the penguin, sir."
After Irving rams a large penguin with his car, a man from the restaurant behind it comes out to settle the score. Irving however has no intention of fixing the penguin.
- 5+ 4- 1
Don't Hurt Me!Man on Bicycle: "Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me!"
Irving Zisman: "Hurt you? I'm 86 years old!"
Man on Bicycle: "Don't hurt me!"
Irving Zisman may be 86 years old but he's put fear into one random man on a bicycle in this scene. Hopefully his tactic if screaming "don't hurt me" repeatedly will be a good defense.
- 6+ 4- 2
One of These Girls Is a GrandpaIrving Zisman: "You're a pretty little girl. You got it?"
…Child Beauty Pageant Contestant: "One of these girls is a grandpa!"
Woman: "Is that weird?"
Child Beauty Pageant Mother: "We've just never seen it so it's different."
Irving and Billy decide to have some fun by dressing Billy as a little girl and entering him into a child pageant. The other mothers are surprised but they have not idea what's in store next, a striptease.
- 7+ 3- 1
Send This to North CarolinaIrving Zisman: "Send this to North Carolina."
[Box opens revealing Billy inside]
Shipping Clerk: "We can't ship humans!"
Fellow Shipping Clerk: "Do we call the police on this?"
Irving Zisman: "Give me a pen. We'll write fragile on it."
Instead of lugging Billy across the country in the car, Irving tries to mail him to North Carolina. When the ladies at the shipping store see the human contents of the package, they are not impressed.
- 8+ 0- 0
I'm Taking You to Your DadIrving Zisman: "I'm taking you to your dad so he can look after you… Come on, let's have some fun."
In one of the few moments when the actual plot--yes, there's a plot--peaks through, we see Irving and Billy in the car heading to send Billy to his father. "Bad Grandpa" marks the first "Jackass" film with an actual plot, albeit a loose one.