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- 1+ 18- 5
Not Fond of Cremations
Bernie: "Can I tell you I am not fond of cremations. I just don't like the idea of someone spending eternity in something the size of a motel ice bucket."
Bernie Tiede (Jack Black) is one of the most liked people in the small town of Carthage, Texas. He's funny, eccentric and the perfect person to be the town's mortician. He's also a pretty good salesman, as far as mortician's go...
- 2+ 7- 1
Carthage Resident: "There are people in town, honey, that woulda shot her for five dollars."
When Marjorie is murdered, the town isn't exactly thrown into despair. Bernie is eventually arrested for doing the deed, with police suspecting he did it to get Marjorie's money. But as this Carthage resident points out, some people would've gladly killed Marjorie for much less than $10 million.
- 3+ 10- 4
Chew Like That All Day
Bernie: "Marjorie, please. I can understand chewing each bite of some food 25 times like the chicken fried steak, but I don't think you have to chew your refried beans that many times." (Marjorie continues to chew, and glare at him) "It doesn't really make sense. It's unnecessary additional work for your jaws. Think of your poor TMJ muscle -- it couldn't be good for it." (More chewing) "It's inefficient, think about it. You know this drives me crazy, please stop. This is like nails on a chalkboard to me. Okay, go ahead, chew like that, chew like that all day..."
Shirley MacLaine can say so much without saying anything at all. And as Marjorie, she's driving her new friend Bernie completely nuts.
- 4+ 5- 1
Danny Buck Davidson: "Everybody's describing Bernie Tiede as an angel! He's an angel alright, and angel of death."
When everyone else in town rallies around Bernie after his arrest, only District Attorney Danny Buck Davidson (Matthew McConaughey) dares to besmirch the mortician's good name. And besmirch he does, in a classic, East Texas way.
- 5+ 5- 2
Goodness in There
Mrs. Estes: "She used to tear up my toys. She pulled the heads off my dolls..."
Bernie: "Well, there's some goodness in there too..."
Marjorie Nugent (Shirley MacLaine) is a wealthy widow who is, at best, not the most pleasant people to be around (on a good day). Nearly everyone in town hates her, except for Bernie. He befriends her, and tries to explain away her bad deeds (which apparently date back to childhood).
- 6+ 4- 1
Hard to Be Your Friend
Bernie: "Marjorie, you're making it very hard to be your friend. I'm gonna come back some other time." (starts the car)
Marjorie: "Aw, just go ahead, desert me, just like everybody else! Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead! Go, go, go, you hate me!"
Bernie: "Marjorie, I am not going to take part in this argument. You know I don't hate you and that's that." (drives away)
Marjorie: "I know you hate me, like everybody else!" (closes the gate by remote)
Here's the thing about Bernie and Marjorie: He's trying, really, really hard to be her new friend, because she's lonely and no one likes her. Or IS that the reason? Marjorie is certainly difficult, so why would Bernie try so hard?
- 7+ 5- 3
Wheel of Misfortune
Danny Buck Davidson: "Let me show y'all something, you're gonna love this. I call this my 'Wheel of Misfortune.' What I've done is I've assigned numbers to all the suspected drug dealers around here and if your number comes up..." (spins the wheel) "Number eight, Danny Buck's coming to get you first. And not one of you dope pushers is gonna get away. Not one."
Nobody gets past Danny Buck Davidson and his 'Wheel of Misfortune.' He's not kidding around -- when a dealer's number comes up, it's lights out, East Texas style.
- 8+ 3- 1
Frozen Like a Popsicle
Danny Buck Davidson: "In the freezer?!"
Danny Buck Davidson: "All in one piece, or chopped up?"
Investigator: "One piece."
Danny Buck Davidson: "Frozen like a popsicle..."
Poor Marjorie: Her body is found in her freezer, months after she's murdered. Just like a frozen popsicle.