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- 1+ 14- 2
The PresentIt’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ she said . ‘Just give me something with diamonds.’
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
- 2+ 13- 3
Birthday SuitA wife was begining to worry about her and her husbands non-existant sex life. So one afternoon the woman decided to ask her friend for some advice on how to put the spark back into her marriage.
Her friend gave her some advice that always worked with her own husband. She told the woman that every day before her husband was due back home from work, she puts on her birthday suit and waits at the top of the stairs for him to arrive. when he does, he sees her and cannot resist her and they have wild passionate sex.
The woman ran home and immediately, put on her birthday suit and waited at the top of the stairs for her husband. Within time her husband arrived through the door, looked at her and said "What on earth are you doing?"
The wife replied "it's my birthday suit, don't you like it?"
The husband responded "You could have ironed it first!"
- 3+ 14- 4
Appreciate Your GiftsA couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.
"Well, you can imagine her disappointment.The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.
She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present?"
He replies, "Well, you didn't use what I got you last year!"
- 4+ 9- 1
21st Birthday Family TraditionHis father, grandfather, and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Johnny ‘s 21st birthday came around, he and his friend Jill took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Johnny stepped out of the boat, and nearly drowned! Jill just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Johnny went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he said, ‘it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked deeply into Johnny ‘s troubled eyes and answered, "Because your father, your grandfather, and your great-grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you idiot.
- 5+ 9- 3
Buddy IdeaA fellow was talking to his buddy, and he said...
"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said ...
"I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way that she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."
So the fellow did.
The next day his buddy asked, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," said the fellow.
"...And did she like it?" His buddy asked.
"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!!!"
- 6+ 7- 2
Happy Birthday To…!!!A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to him. But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.
"Don't let it bother you," said the stranger on the phone, "you folks need all the practice you can get."
- 7+ 8- 4
Her Birthday SupriseA happy young couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Services will be at Downing Funeral Home on Monday the 12th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the "Think Before You Say Things To Your Wife Foundation," Dallas, Texas.
- 8+ 7- 4
Music BoxAndrew went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Every kin and kith was invited over that night, to celebrate her birthday.
Andrew wanted something special for his wife, so he went to see some cute little music boxes.
A blue one was playing "Happy Birthday." Thinking they were all the same, he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped.
Later, at dinner, among the huge gathering, he gave the gift to his wife and asked her to open it. When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to "The Old Gray Mare, She Ain’t What She Used To Be!"