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Conan O'Brien's Best Tweets By BestofTwitter [12 more lists]
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This is a list of the best tweets by Conan O'Brien himself, @ConanOBrien ( www.twitter.com/conanobrien ). Since he's not legally allowed to appear on television until the fall, he's turned to Twitter, and we've turned to his acccount. This week, he embarks on his North American comedy tour, which will not be television. So while we can't enjoy him on the small screen anymore, we can still enjoy his comedy live, but if we can't make THAT we can still enjoy him in the comfort of our own homes (or offices). Here are his funniest tweets. Please visit his Twitter page and follow him (link above).
If your not already following Conan O'Brien on twitter, then I suggest you go follow him right now! The guy is classic and always has something funny to say.
Here's Conan's Twitter bio: I had a show. Then I had a different show. Now I have a Twitter account.
For the official webpage of the tour go to www.teamcoco.com
- 1
I feel like I have...
"I feel like I have something to do tonight that I keep forgetting." - 2
Tomorrow, I'll be back...
"Tomorrow, I’ll be back where I truly belong - indoors, under artificial light." - 3
This Halloween, I've hired...
"This Halloween, I’ve hired Larry King to sit in a rocking chair on my front porch." - 4
The worst part of riding...
"The worst part of riding in a blimp: No bathrooms. The best part: Windows that open." - 5
Last year for Halloween...
"Last year for Halloween my daughter went as a witch. This year, she’s going as Christine O’Donnell." - 6
Tried changing my Facebook...
"Tried changing my Facebook status to “craving gumbo” but Facebook automatically changed it to “BOYCOTT THE FACEBOOK MOVIE. IT’S ALL LIES!” - 7
The Chilean Miners...
"The Chilean Miners could be released this weekend… just in time to see Michael Bolton sing on DWTS. Guys, what’s an extra day?" - 8
Gaga just did a Vogue photoshoot...
"Gaga just did a Vogue photoshoot wearing only raw meat. When she does it, it's art - when I do it, it's "Daddy, you ruined another BBQ." - 9
Just spent all day at Legoland...
"Just spent all day at Legoland. It was so much fun, next time I think I'll bring my children." - 10
Facebook is trying to trademark...
"Facebook is trying to trademark the word "Face". I am going to trademark the word "aceboo", and then wait for the dollars to roll in." - 11
I was going to announce the name...
"I was going to announce the name of my new show today, but my lawyers tell me "The Return of Nanny McPhee" is taken. Tune in tomorrow." - 12
When Churchill said...
"When Churchill said "Difficulties mastered are opportunities won", I don't think he had ever tried to "sext" on an iPhone." - 13
In a recent interview, Kim Kardashian...
"In a recent interview, Kim Kardashian says her "entire body is hairless". Sounds like she went into a salon and asked for "The O'Brien"." - 14
The FDA egg recall has hit a total...
"The FDA egg recall has hit a total of 380 million eggs. I can’t wait till they find the tired, evil hen that did this." - 15
Today’s NY Post says I was spotted...
"Today’s NY Post says I was spotted in NYC dining with Maury Povich and Connie Chung. Whoever’s impersonating me—aim higher." - 16
On JetBlue and the flight attendant...
"On JetBlue and the flight attendant just offered us "all the f***ing Terra Blue chips you a**holes can eat." Love this airline!" - 17
For those of you who are wondering...
"For those of you who are wondering, yes, this is a photo of me at 18: http://bit.ly/9yJ6zx. It's also a photo of me at 30. And 40." - 18
Wyclef Jean has filed papers to run...
"Wyclef Jean has filed papers to run for President of Haiti. If his politics are as good as his rapping on "Hips Don't Lie", Haiti is saved." - 19
Newsweek was just sold for $1...
"Newsweek was just sold for $1. To show you how media has changed, the asking price for my twitter account is 65 billion dollars. Cash." - 20
The President of the United States...
"The President of the United States doesn't know who Snooki is. Our great empire continues to crumble." - 21
I may or may not be one of the secret celebrity guests...
"I may or may not be one of the secret celebrity guests at Chelsea Clinton's wedding; It depends how tight security is." - 22
Angelina Jolie is joining Twitter...
"Angelina Jolie is joining Twitter. If she thinks she can lure away my core audience of young male teens she.....I'm screwed." - 23
In the land of the blind...
"In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king.... But the three eyed man is still a g**damn freak." - 24
It's the hottest July on record....
"It's the hottest July on record in New York City, unless you count that summer I wore short shorts." - 25
Just read that Facebook has reached 500 million users...
"Just read that Facebook has reached 500 million users. Congrats to everyone who helped create history's largest stalker/pedophile buffet." - 26
The YMCA has officially shortened it's name...
"The YMCA has officially shortened it's name to "The Y". You know times are tough when letters are even getting laid off." - 27
I found a huge design flaw...
"I found a huge design flaw in my new iPhone. People get angry when I talk on it during a funeral." - 28
A new study says that men who take drugs...
"A new study says that men who take drugs for ED have significantly more STDs. Also, men who take drugs for STDs have a lot of STDs." - 29
Another perfect day in CA...
"Another perfect day in CA, the land of jobs & money. (Gov. Schwarzenegger has me at gunpoint. We're under the Santa Monica Pier. Send help.)" - 30
This laptop is hot on my legs...
"This laptop is hot on my legs. I shall invent a space age Kevlar pad that protects my legs from heat. Or maybe I'll just put on pants." - 31
Twilight Eclipse has been smashing box office records...
"Twilight Eclipse has been smashing box office records since it opened. For the record, I was sickly pale before it was cool." - 32
I’m #51 on Forbes “Celebrity 100.”...
"I’m #51 on Forbes “Celebrity 100.” To help you fully comprehend the enormity of my achievement, consider this: Judge Judy is only #72." - 33
Yesterday a Marilyn Monroe chest x-ray sold for $45,000...
"Yesterday a Marilyn Monroe chest x-ray sold for $45,000. Meanwhile, my dr's note saying I have a mild case of shingles just sits on e-Bay." - 34
Cable's ability to attract top-tier talk show hosts...
"Cable’s ability to attract top-tier talk show hosts continues. Welcome aboard, disgraced New York Governor Eliot Spitzer!" - 35
Yesterday was the longest day of the year...
"Yesterday was the longest day of the year, unless you count the time I interviewed Lance Armstrong." - 36
Happy Father’s Day. After I was born...
"Happy Father’s Day. After I was born, my father renamed it “Happy ‘Don’t Try to Pin This One on Me’ Day.” - 37
The past 2 months I’ve been on tour...
"The past 2 months I’ve been on tour and haven’t followed the news. What’s with all the photos of chocolate pelicans?" - 38
My tour has ended...
"My tour has ended and I'm having trouble adjusting. I just screamed at my wife because she wouldn't let me sign her boob." - 39
I'm in Washington DC tonight...
"I'm in Washington DC tonight - both to do a show and to testify about my affair with a congressional page. Lucas, I'm so sorry." - 40
Go Celtics! I'm naming my next child...
"Go Celtics! I'm naming my next child "Ray Allen Rajon Rondo O'Brien". Even if it's a girl." - 41
Our last casino show is tonight at Mohegan Sun...
"Our last casino show is tonight at Mohegan Sun, and I think it's finally time to do some REAL gambling: The seafood buffet." - 42
I am performing on the Jersey Shore tonight...
"I am performing on the Jersey Shore tonight, so please only refer to me by my Jersey Shore nickname: "The Solution"." - 43
Today I got my 1,000,000th Twitter follower...
"Today I got my 1,000,000th Twitter follower! I am now in the realm of Gods like Ashton, Bieber, Mariah, and updates on new Dell products." - 44
Pac-Man’s 30th birthday was marred by...
"Pac-Man’s 30th birthday was marred by the sudden deportation of the Super Mario Bros. What were those fools doing in Arizona?" - 45
Today I finally meet Sarah Killen...
"Today I finally meet Sarah Killen. It will be like Reagan meeting Gorbachev... If Gorbachev was a girl who liked Gummy Dinosaurs." - 46
I'm in Minneapolis for a show...
"I'm in Minneapolis for a show. Couldn't figure out why I've felt so aroused all day; then I realized that Prince lives here." - 47
I've decided to start tweeting about major world events...
"I've decided to start tweeting about major world events, so I just read four newspapers. Man, is it me or can Garfield be a real dick?" - 48
If it ever says I’m following more than one person...
"If it ever says I’m following more than one person, I’ve been hacked. I’m a completely monogamous Twitterer—I only follow Sarah Killen." - 49
Through the desert on my way to Reno...
"Through the desert on my way to Reno, I passed an establishment called "Shady Ladies". I think it's either a brothel or a tree nursery." - 50
I'm in Vegas...
"I'm in Vegas - and what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Unless it's a superflu pandemic that spreads thru the nation causing chaos & panic." - 51
Today my tour takes me to San Diego...
"Today my tour takes me to San Diego. San Diego is Spanish for "You Can Attend College Classes Without a Shirt." - 52
I'm doing my live show tonight...
"I'm doing my live show tonight from the Universal lot where I taped The Tonight Show. So if a shot rings out, tell my wife I loved her." - 53
It took a trip to the Seattle Fish Market...
"It took a trip to the Seattle Fish Market to learn my skin color is "Halibut White." http://yfrog.com/1chalibutwhite1j" - 54
I just gave my waitress...
"I just gave my waitress, Bambi, tickets to tonight's show in Spokane. Do I still have to tip her? http://twitpic.com/1g3u42" - 55
Welcome to the new http://teamcoco.com...
"Welcome to the new http://teamcoco.com. Less predators than Craigslist, more predators than Facebook." - 56
I'm in Vancouver for my second show...
"I'm in Vancouver for my second show. Thought I'd stir up some controversy by wearing my hat that says "Canada." http://twitpic.com/1fdmy7" - 57
I traced my tour route on a map...
"http://twitpic.com/1ece6n - I traced my tour route on a map. I see a turtle sexually attacking a horse smoking a cigarette." - 58
I just celebrated the end of Lent by...
"I just celebrated the end of Lent by eating 22 sleeves of Peeps. My religion rocks!" - 59
Just got the new iPad.
"Just got the new iPad. This amazing device has already revolutionized the way I use a calculator." - 60
In honor of Good Friday, I've..
"http://twitpic.com/1cozv2 - In honor of Good Friday, I’ve hired a writer who looks like Jesus with a perm." - 61
Man, I am so tired...
"Man, I am so tired. APRIL FOOL'S! I'm NOT tired. (I'm kind of tired)" - 62
The new census form
"I'm confused by the new census form. There's no box for "Sickly White."" - 63
Jewish fun fact...
"Jewish fun fact: If you celebrate Passover on top of an overpass, you go back in time." - 64
My dog's first tweet
"sklfjslj;v999[aeae0c (my dog's first tweet)" - 65
Jellyfish sting
"Found out today that you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jellyroll stain. Sorry, fat stranger." - 66
To my nemesis, Justin Bieber
"Sweet victory! I'm now trending higher than my twitter nemesis, Justin Bieber. Who's the tween heartthrob now?" - 67
My traditional St. Patrick's Day feast
"http://twitpic.com/19765a - Behold! My traditional St. Patrick's Day feast: 7 Guinness, frozen asparagus soup, and 2 pieces of spearmint gum" - 68
Here's my NCAA pick...
"Hey sports fans, here's my NCAA pick: bet it all on the Savannah College of Art & Design. Go Fighting Acrylics!" - 69
I just punched a paparrazi look-alike
"I just punched what I thought was a paparazzi with a long lens. It was an old man with a wheat bread sub. Sorry." - 70
I no longer have health care...
"http://twitpic.com/17lx53 - I no longer have health care. Could someone show this to a dermatologist and get back to me?" - 71
This morning I applied for a job...
"This morning I applied for a job at Home Depot, but they couldn’t find an apron big enough to fit over my head. Tomorrow: Staples." - 72
What I look like with a beard...
"If anyone's curious what I look like with a beard, it's this ?:^(0) Coincidentally, that's also my ATM pin number." - 73
Today I connected all the freckles on my arm...
"Today I connected all the freckles on my arm with a Sharpie. It spells out RIKSHAZ9LIRK. Clearly I am The Chosen One." - 74
This morning...
"This morning I watched Remington Steele while eating Sugar Smacks out of a salad bowl. I was naked." - 75
Today I interviewed a squirrel...
"Today I interviewed a squirrel in my backyard and then threw to commercial. Somebody help me."
Showing items 1 - 5 of 75
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Conan O'Brien's Best Tweets at 6/14/2010 6:18 AM
Today I finally meet Sarah Killen... at 6/14/2010 6:18 AM
Conan O'Brien's Best Tweets at 4/18/2011 3:09 AM
Cable's ability to attract top-tier talk show hosts... at 8/13/2010 9:15 AM
Cable's ability to attract top-tier talk show hosts... at 8/13/2010 9:14 AM