I feel like I have..."I feel like I have something to do tonight that I keep forgetting."
Tomorrow, I'll be back..."Tomorrow, I’ll be back where I truly belong - indoors, under artificial light."
This Halloween, I've hired..."This Halloween, I’ve hired Larry King to sit in a rocking chair on my front porch."
The worst part of riding..."The worst part of riding in a blimp: No bathrooms. The best part: Windows that open."
Last year for Halloween..."Last year for Halloween my daughter went as a witch. This year, she’s going as Christine O’Donnell."
Tried changing my Facebook..."Tried changing my Facebook status to "craving gumbo" but Facebook automatically changed it to "BOYCOTT THE FACEBOOK MOVIE. IT’S ALL LIES!"
The Chilean Miners..."The Chilean Miners could be released this weekend… just in time to see Michael Bolton sing on DWTS. Guys, what’s an extra day?"
Gaga just did a Vogue photoshoot..."Gaga just did a Vogue photoshoot wearing only raw meat. When she does it, it's art - when I do it, it's "Daddy, you ruined another BBQ."
Just spent all day at Legoland..."Just spent all day at Legoland. It was so much fun, next time I think I'll bring my children."
Facebook is trying to trademark..."Facebook is trying to trademark the word "Face". I am going to trademark the word "aceboo", and then wait for the dollars to roll in."
I was going to announce the name..."I was going to announce the name of my new show today, but my lawyers tell me "The Return of Nanny McPhee" is taken. Tune in tomorrow."
When Churchill said..."When Churchill said "Difficulties mastered are opportunities won", I don't think he had ever tried to "sext" on an iPhone."
In a recent interview, Kim Kardashian..."In a recent interview, Kim Kardashian says her "entire body is hairless". Sounds like she went into a salon and asked for "The O'Brien"."
The FDA egg recall has hit a total..."The FDA egg recall has hit a total of 380 million eggs. I can’t wait till they find the tired, evil hen that did this."
Today’s NY Post says I was spotted..."Today’s NY Post says I was spotted in NYC dining with Maury Povich and Connie Chung. Whoever’s impersonating me—aim higher."
On JetBlue and the flight attendant..."On JetBlue and the flight attendant just offered us "all the f***ing Terra Blue chips you a**holes can eat." Love this airline!"
For those of you who are wondering..."For those of you who are wondering, yes, this is a photo of me at 18: It's also a photo of me at 30. And 40."
Wyclef Jean has filed papers to run..."Wyclef Jean has filed papers to run for President of Haiti. If his politics are as good as his rapping on "Hips Don't Lie", Haiti is saved."
Newsweek was just sold for $1..."Newsweek was just sold for $1. To show you how media has changed, the asking price for my twitter account is 65 billion dollars. Cash."
The President of the United States..."The President of the United States doesn't know who Snooki is. Our great empire continues to crumble."
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