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I feel like I have..."I feel like I have something to do tonight that I keep forgetting."
Tomorrow, I'll be back..."Tomorrow, I’ll be back where I truly belong - indoors, under artificial light."
This Halloween, I've hired..."This Halloween, I’ve hired Larry King to sit in a rocking chair on my front porch."
The worst part of riding..."The worst part of riding in a blimp: No bathrooms. The best part: Windows that open."
Last year for Halloween..."Last year for Halloween my daughter went as a witch. This year, she’s going as Christine O’Donnell."
Tried changing my Facebook..."Tried changing my Facebook status to "craving gumbo" but Facebook automatically changed it to "BOYCOTT THE FACEBOOK MOVIE. IT’S ALL LIES!"
The Chilean Miners..."The Chilean Miners could be released this weekend… just in time to see Michael Bolton sing on DWTS. Guys, what’s an extra day?"
Gaga just did a Vogue photoshoot..."Gaga just did a Vogue photoshoot wearing only raw meat. When she does it, it's art - when I do it, it's "Daddy, you ruined another BBQ."