None of this is to say she’s a bad person, it just would appear that Paltrow, successful Hollywood actress that she is, has a complete and utter lack of awareness about herself and the real world. What's the deal with the Goop lifestyle, you ask? Well if there was a Euler diagram to showcase the relationship between what Paltrow thinks is necessary information vs. what the rest of the world thinks is necessary information, the circles literally wouldn’t touch. One must naturally assume that 95% of this Gwyneth Paltrow website readership must only be people hate-reading – there’s simply no other explanation for who is curious about her yachting weekend advice.
Since its inception, Goop.com has provided for much better fodder and mockery than advice. It is a safe place, not for fashion, hair, cooking, and life advice, but for all of Paltrow’s humblebrags, wish lists, and misguided attempts to connect to the plebian public in the most bourgeoisie way. The possibility that this is a massive, drawn out troll by the Queen of All Things Proper cannot be ruled out.
Trolling or not, Paltrow has created enough crazy content for us to line up and judge for ourselves. What is the most insane piece of advice on Gwyneth Paltrow’s blog? Let’s enter the exclusive world of Goop and pick a winner.
Eat Spirit Truffles to De-Calcify Your Pineal Gland and Learn ESP
Paltrow's recipe for Spirit Truffles possibly borders on illegal. In her own words, “the spirit dust feeds harmony and extrasensory perception through pineal gland de-calcification and activation.” Wait, these truffles give you ESP? Are we sure it’s not Angel Dust she’s asking us to mix in to these crazy person truffles?
A 24-Carat Gold Dildo
Not satisfied with your sex life? It's nothing $15,000 24-carat gold dildo can't fix! An article on Goop rounded up some "not-so-basic" sex toys that normal folks should totally spend their hard-earned cash on. A plastic set of handcuffs from the dollar store? WAY too basic. Instead, Gwyneth recommends a $189 pleasure set complete with silk cuffs and a blindfold, or a $535 whip. If that doesn't work, you could always pick up a $395 vibrating Kiki de Montparnasse necklace that doubles as nipple clamps.
Vagina Steaming Is a Great Idea
According the Paltrow, the real golden ticket is a Mugworth V-Steam, whereby you “sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al.” She insists it’s “an energetic release – not just a steam douche.” Beyond this being the most ridiculous advice ever, it sounds like an awfully expensive way to poach an egg.
Food for Kids Should Be as Complicated as Possible
Paltrow created a stupefying children’s menu that is both complicated and time consuming. This isn’t to say that her assistants don’t execute it perfectly, it’s just that those reading her advice often don't have that luxury. But, hey, we all know how kids are notorious for their love of vegetable sushi! It’s perfect for all those times you just don’t have time to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich…