Whether you’re a dyed-in-the-wool Christian or a hard line atheist, you might not realize how graphic and downright gross the Bible actually is. When thinking of the good book, most people only think about the greatest hits: The sermon at the mount, three days in a tomb, and something about an apple, but they completely gloss over the gory Bible scenes that just might turn this thousand-year-old tome of arguable origin into your favorite book.
The Bible features old men cutting off their boils, babies getting smashed into rocks, and A LOT of rape. It’s basically a very long prequel to A Serbian Film. If any of the passages that we’ve collected strike your fancy, pick up a Bible at your local bookstore or hotel.
Once you read some of the blood soaked and grisly stories from the Bible that we’ve cherry picked for you, the phrase “going Old Testament” will never be the same again. But it’s not just the first half of the good book that’s born out of a psychopath’s dream, the New Testament has plenty of stomach churning obscurities for you to gross yourself out with. Whether you prefer winged monsters rising from a pit filled with blood, or hundred year old women circumcising children with a sharp rock, there’s something in these brutal stories from the Bible just for you.
King Solomon Has Some Strange Views on Child Care
And the king said, Bring me a sword. And they brought a sword before the king. And the king said, Divide the living child in two, and give half to the one, and half to the other.
When two "harlots" approach King Solomon with a tricky question about who owns a baby, his suggestion is simply to cut the baby in half. The baby is ultimately fine, given that the "true" mother of the child revealed herself through her compassion, but what if she hadn't have spoken up? Let your imagination run with that one.
Great idea Solomon. How are you going to solve the single-payer healthcare issue?
Job Scrapes His Boils Off
So went Satan forth from the presence of the LORD, and smote Job with sore boils from the sole of his foot unto his crown. And he took him a potsherd to scrape himself withal; and he sat down among the ashes.
If you've ever seen Cabin Fever then you know exactly what Job is going through in this verse. After Satan covers Job's body with boils, Job takes a broken piece of a ceramic pot and SCRAPES THEM OFF. And if that wasn't bad enough, Job sits down in a pile of ash. Can you say "infection?"
Crushing Up 127,000 Soldiers in a Single Blow
And so it was, that in the seventh day the battle was joined: and the children of Israel slew of the Syrians an hundred thousand footmen in one day. But the rest fled to Aphek, into the city; and there a wall fell upon twenty and seven thousand of the men that were left.
There's a lot of fighting in the Old Testament, and not only is it incredibly violent, but some of seems like it was written by the guys in Monty Python. "Hey Jebidiah, how did that battle end?" "Oh the usual way, a wall fell on a bunch of soldiers out of nowhere."
Smells Like Children
And the king said unto her, What aileth thee? And she answered, This woman said unto me, Give thy son, that we may eat him to day, and we will eat my son to morrow. So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son, that we may eat him: and she hath hid her son.
Little known fact: Albert Fish was actually the author of 2 Kings. The best part about this nightmare scenario isn't that the mother is horrified that she ate her son, but that she didn't get to eat sweet baby meat two days in a row.
God Has Self Esteem Issues
Samaria shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her God: they shall fall by the sword: their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up.
Most of Hosea is spent with God screaming at people about how he's the only god and that everyone needs to worship him, because if they don't he's going to send a bunch of pipe-toting cronies to kill all their children and rip unborn fetuses from their mothers' wombs. The whole thing makes God seems like the kind of guy who texts you a million times in a row after you go on one date and then threatens to kill himself when you tell him to relax.
The World's Worst Circumcision
And it came to pass by the way in the inn, that the LORD met him, and sought to kill him. Then Zipporah took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me.
As the topic of circumcision makes some people squeamish, bring up this passage from the Bible where Moses's wife circumcises her son with a sharp rock, and watch your party guests cringe.
The Bible Hates Children
Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.
Wait what? There's nothing leading up to this verse in Psalms that makes you feel like a line about basing a kid's head in is about to come up. This raises a few question. Is the "little one" in question a jerk? Or was the person writing it a super creep?
So Long, Sodom and Gomorrah, We Hardly Knew You
Then the LORD rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven.
The story of Sodom and Gomorrah is insane. It begins with angels trying to visit Lot, a pious man, but before they can get into his house they're almost raped by a bunch of guys from Sodom. If that's not bad enough, Lot tries to save the angels by offering up his daughters to the mob of rapists. The rapists demure at the idea of forcing themselves on his daughters, and the angels tell Lot to GTFO out of town because as soon as he does, God's going to burn it to the ground. Which he does, of course.