Taylor Eats Etsy for Breakfast
Cease and desist, bitch. That's exactly what Taylor Swift's lawyers dropped into Etsy entrepreneurs' handmade, 1989-inspired, wicker baskets after the singer caught wind that fans were selling unauthorized merch behind her back. Taylor left her dedicated Swiftys with a sour taste in their mouths after cease and desist letters popped up in their mail, asking them to put an end to selling anything Taylor Swift-related on Etsy. The money hungry move alienated her DIY-artist fan base, but Swift hardly cared once her 1989 online store started getting its traffic back.
One fan was quoted as saying, "She kind of deflated my little T-Swift love balloon that I had — I love to see women succeed and give no fucks. Her carefree branding is important representation — but the crackdown on Etsy sellers made it too easy to see how the sausage was made." And all this over a $12, cross stitch with some "Shake It Off" lyrics on it.
Taylor Swift - A Nazi Icon?
What do Taylor Swift and Nazis have in common? To most, not much. To Nazis, just about everything. When it comes to the Aryan beauties they admire most, modern neo-Nazis seem to take a liking to Taylor the best. According to white supremacist blogger Andre Anglin, Taylor Swift is a secret Nazi in disguise, just waiting for her chance to unveil her aspirations for a fascist regime.
"Firstly, Taylor Swift is a pure Aryan goddess, like something out of classical Greek poetry. Athena reborn. That's the most important thing," Anglin said. "It is also an established fact that Taylor Swift is secretly a Nazi and is simply waiting for the time when Donald Trump makes it safe for her to come out and announce her Aryan agenda to the world. Probably, she will be betrothed to Trump's son, and they will be crowned American royalty."
I know, wild. Is it true? Probably not. But it does make you wonder what someone like Taylor Swift must have done to garner the appraisal of an entire hate group.
Either She Has a Dark Satanic Twin or She's an Immortal Satanist in Disguise
Is Taylor Swift a secret satanist? Or does she have some dark doppelgänger we don't know about? Who's to know for sure. But here's why she's a satanic clone:
When Internet sleuths discovered an uncanny resemblance between Swift and former high priestess of the Church of Satan, Zeena Schreck (pictured), people naturally went ape. These intense physical similarities have understandably fueled countless questions and inquiries into a possible relationship between Schreck and Swift. Deep dive theories, which include more extensive connections between them, have led Internet detectives to the conclusion that Swift must be Schreck's clone. Clues in Swift's lyrics and odd similarities between Schreck's past and Swift's present (Schreck was high priestess in 1989, Swift was born in 1989) have offered little to extinguish this riveting and oddly convincing theory. And do we even need to remind you that Swift is already confirmed (alleged) Illuminati (just Google it!)?
For more of this fascinating rabbit hole, here is a lengthy and in depth look at Swift's secret, incubated past.
She Also Has an Evil Japanese McDonald's Twin
Who's to say that the Schrek clone is the only evil Swift out there? In fact, fans and conspiracy theorists alike discovered yet another possible Swift clone in Japan, posing as a female Ronald McDonald. Now, I know there are supposedly seven people in the world who look just like you. But do you really expect me to believe that we have found not one, but TWO Swift twins in this short timeline? Seems fishy if you ask me - let alone a clone dressed as the very unsettling Ronald.
She Owns Way Too Much Porn
It's not so much that Taylor owns the porn, as it is that she withholds the porn from other people. Much like her Etsy chess maneuver (albeit under somewhat different motivations), Swift decided to buy up any and every porn website with "Taylor Swift" in the domain name. Why? Because she can afford it. But also maybe because she wants to own more porn than the rest of the world.
Sure, no one necessarily WANTS a porn site named after them. And yes, certainly it is misleading. But Swift's inability to let her bubble gum pop image slide for even a second just validates everyone's sentiment that she is a sentient-like being, unable to laugh at herself in the slightest. And ultimately this stark, arguably unnecessary capital investment in pornography doesn't help crease Taylor's overly primed and pressed persona.
Taylor Swift NOW! - 1989? More Like 1984, Amirite?
Leave it to Taylor Swift to launch an entire cable network in her honor after a year that can only be described as "oversaturation." Taylor Swift NOW!, a syndicate of AT&T's Direct TV streaming, is a "specially curated video catalog" dedicated to none other than the pop icon it's named after. If you weren't already satisfied with the endless pages of celebrity gossip, backlog of streamable music videos, and infinitely witty/adorkable soundbites from the girl the country has grown to resent, there is now an entire television channel you can watch her on all day, everyday. Or maybe... she's watching you...
At the end of the day, Taylor Swift is anywhere and everywhere. No matter where you look, Swift's face is staring right back at you, just waiting for you to slip up and contribute to her capitalist machine.
See You in Court!
Let's get down to brass tacks. Taylor Swift is lawyered up like no other and is trigger-happy when it comes to summoning someone to court. Yes, being a major pop star in the limelight can make a lot of this legal jargon and petty lawsuits seem somewhat necessary. But Taylor Swift has taken these civil suits to next-level frivolous.
Swift's successful effort to trademark specific, "memorable" lyrics from her 1989 album sparked criticism from fans and haters alike, especially after the media became aware Swift's team was actively pursuing cases that challenged her copyright paperwork. Swift's team reportedly went so far as to shut down podcasts just for reading some of her lyrics while discussing one of her videos on air. But while Swift got paid, she also got trolled. The drama ultimately climaxed with the ever popular "See You in Court" meme that quickly spread around the Internet. One might say this was the beginning of Swift's fall from grace.
When it comes down to it, there is hardly any convincing Swift from scheduling a courtroom cheat day. If she's going to profit, she's going to take you to court. And guess who will win?
Yeezy May Not Be "Innocent," But Neither Is Taylor
Yes, Kanye hijacked the mic from Taylor and ruined her very special moment at the very prestigious and totally important MTV Music Video Awards in 2009. But who would have thought that Taylor Swift would ever retaliate? No one, which is why when Kim Kardashian leaked audio of Swift happily approving Yeezy's controversial, "Famous"-ly crude lyrics about the pop star, many were taken by surprise. Swift, who had originally condemned West's lyrics to the general public, seemed to have been caught in a lie. Since the award show incident, Yeezy and Swift had seemingly moved on, even become friends. But all that changed when The Life of Pablo's "Famous" made reference to Swift:
I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex
Why? I made that bitch famous (God damn)
I made that bitch famous
Swift, who vocally denounced West for referring to her as a "bitch," was once again looking pretty porcelain. But all that changed when Kim posted several Snapchats to her "Story" of a phone conversation between Swift and West, in which Taylor verbally applauded Kanye's tongue-in-cheek verse.
Was this all some grand ploy to make Kanye look bad again? It seems unrealistic that Taylor would seriously still be holding a grudge against West. But regardless of her intentions, the play was undisputably manipulative.
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