Dwight Schrute Quotes By Movie and TV Quotes [174 more lists]

Dwight Schrute quotes chronicle the successful yet sometimes socially awkward life of the Dunder Mifflin Paper Company salesman, manager, assistant to the general manager and assistant general manager Dwight Kurt Schrute III. Portrayed by Rainn Wilson on the NBC series ""The Office,"" Dwight Schrute is one of the more popular characters on the comedy series which also has starred the likes of Steve Carrell, John Krasinski, Jenna Fischer, B.J. Novak and Ed Helms.

Modeled after Gareth Keenan of the original British version of ""The Office,"" Dwight Schrute thoroughly enjoys feeling superior to his co-workers and often expresses his feelings of his superiority. Between arguing over his title with Michael or simply expressing his place in the food chain (he's the lion), Dwight has few issues with self-esteem.

Despite this strong will, Dwight is often the victim of pranks and jokes from his office coworkers, especially desk-mate Jim Halpert and general manager Michael Scott. Dwight has little sense of humor but often inadvertently provides humor to his office-mates by being gullible and naive, such as when Jim tried to convince him that Benjamin Franklin was in the office.

Whether he's talking about Schrute Farms, his favorite series ""Battlestar Galactica,"" or his own superhuman strength, a benefit of absorbing his own twin while in the womb, Dwight Schrute never fails to provide numerous memorable quotes. Dwight is so memorable that NBC is rumored to be making a spin-off of ""The Office"" featuring none other than Dwight Schrute set for a 2013 debut.

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Black Pepper Snake

Let's just put it this way. Last weekend, I outran a black pepper snake... I am fast. To give you a reference point, I'm somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther.
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I Want To Be Frozen

When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died, and what moves I could've used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.
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I'm The Lion

In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, "Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead." Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion, you're dead.
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Dwight vs. Dwight

Jim: OK, with all due respect to everyone here, I think the most worthy opponent of you is you.
Dwight: That is correct. Unless there happened to be measles present.
Jim: So let's just say that Dwight has come at you with the throat punch. Now how would you, Dwight, defend against it?
Dwight: Easy. Allow me to demonstrate. I am attacking myself with a throat punch. Here it comes. Block. Grasp wrist as such.
Jim: And what if he comes at you with the other hand, because he does have two.
Dwight: Good point. Second, throat punch, absorb the blow. Groin punch, hip block, elbow to the gut. Uh oh, up to the nose. No, you're not. Ow! Oh!
Jim: Oh my God, he's making you look like such a fool.
Dwight: He really is, but not for long. Ow! Instep, oh, not again. You let go, you let go. Oh, you're right, I can't hold on.
Jim: You two are so evenly matched I don't know how one of you is going to get the upper hand.
Dwight: The important thing to remember Jim... we always have what is called the element of surprise.
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Thirsty Babies

The purse girl hits everything on my checklist: creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts. Not for me... for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.
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Schrute Farms

I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching.
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Rule 17

There are 40 rules all Schrute boys must learn by age 5. Rule #17- There are 3 things you never turn your back on- bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season.
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Dwight's Mad Lib

I've got a Madlib for you. A stupid, idiotic, numskull named Andy Bernard sold his Xterra to a smart and capable man named Dwight. This is shaping up to be an awesome day for Dwight.
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Assistant to the Regional Manager

Michael: Good. Excellent, it'll be fun. Because corporate, uh, wants someone to be here on Saturday. And so we're going to have to have some people come in on the weekend, and I know nobody's gonna want to do it and I know everybody's gonna complain and bitch and I don't want to have to deal with that.
Dwight: And that's why you have an assistant regional manager.
Michael: Yes it is. Assistant to the regional manager.
Dwight: Same thing.
Michael: No, it's not. It's lower, so...
Dwight: It's close.
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Second Life

Jim: Playing that game again?
Dwight: Second life is not a game. It is a multi-user, virtual environment. It does have points or scores; it doesn't have winners or losers.
Jim: Oh it has losers.
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D.W.I.G.H.T.

Determined, Worker, Intense, Good worker, Hard worker, Terrific
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Weaponry Strategically Placed Around the Office

I keep various weaponry strategically placed around the office. I saved Jim's life with a can of pepper spray I had Velcroed under my desk. People say, oh it's dangerous to keep weapons in the home, or the workplace. Well I say, it's better to be hurt by someone you know, accidentally, than by a stranger, on purpose.
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Where Does That Leave Us?

Listen. When I saw you talking to Erin earlier, I noticed that your pupils dilated and your skin flushed and I'm assuming, a little bit of blood rushed into your penis... Well, a little bit of blood rushed into mine as well, so where does that leave us?
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The Strength of a Grown Man and a Little Baby

When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had adsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
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Benjamin Franklin

I don’t care what Jim says, that is not Benjamin Franklin. I am 99% sure.
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Battlestar Galactica

Dwight: Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica?
Guest: No.
Dwight: 'No.' Then you are an idiot.
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The Eyes

The eyes are the groin of the face.
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Office Security

Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
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Three Words

How would I describe myself? Three words: hard working, alpha male, jackhammer... merciless... insatiable...
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Count Choculitis

The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won’t receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. Count Choculitis… Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
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