Fashion Hall of Shame

(wow this guy is actually kind of cute)

Oh, sorry.

The birth of punk rock brought about many interesting trends, some of which have retained their originality.

The faux hawk is not one of them.

Back in the day, real mohawks were considered a work of art. Getting your hair to defy gravity and actually impale someone was a true achievement. I actually enjoy admiring true mohawks simply because it takes a lot to make them stick.

Today's tools, in my personal opinion, just look stupid in them. I'm all for the spiked and gelled look. But when every guy starts looking like Ryan Seacrest, this is no longer a trend.

It's an affliction, which we'll get to later.

Somewhere in the bowels of Paris Hilton's humble castle, thousands of dogs are chained to walls. They're denied fresh air - instead they are forced to inhale her fragrance, eat what she eats (which is nothing) and watch "The Hottie and the Nottie" over and over and over.

Dogs everywhere raise a leg and take a paws - pause, get it? - to remember those who perish all in the name of accessorizing.

Personally, I think the Chihuahua looks like a constipated rat but everyone's got an opinion.

Give me a big meaty dog - German shepherd or Rottweiler - any day. Give me an animal who won't simply bark someone to death. If I presented my dog with a pink sweater, gold leash and tricked out dog purse, he'd bitch slap me with his bowling ball sized paw and demand his dinner of raw beef bones.

The dog sleeps on the bed or on the floor. He eats DOG FOOD, not caviar on toast points. He plays with chew toys, not cashmere pillows. And if I take him for a walk, his leash is made out of leather.

Atta boy.

I used to work for Target (bastards) and I swear, I saw more 14yr old girls wandering in with fake LV handbags, Uggs and oversized sunglasses.

"Well, like, Jackie O used to wear them and like, don't be a hater just 'cause your mom won't buy them for YOU."

Actually, sunflower, I prefer Raybans and Oakley's. Girls have no idea how stupid they look in these glasses.

Nicole Richie used to wear them, pre-Harlow, and given she has a face the size of a silver-dollar pancake, it really wasn't a good look for her. Kind of like look at a life-sized ant.

Newsflash: Jackie O was an icon. Iconic style isn't copied - it's created.

So, princess, stop pretending to be all famous and mysterious and go back to the 8th grade where you belong.

OK, time for Fashion 101 -- no, let's make it Common Sense 101. Apparently they ran out of it earlier this year.

Just because you can zip up your jeans, doesn't mean they fit.

Having a bulging belly hanging over your jeans like a pendulum isn't sexy.

We know that tight jeans make you feel sexy. You envision yourself walking down the street, working that ass. You like the feel of the denim riding up and positively hugging your buttocks. You roll those hips and strut your stuff.

But all you succeed in doing is looking like a slob with zero self-esteem or self-respect.

Either lose 15 or go a size up. Please. For all of us.

In the Civil War, Southern cavalry officers grew long swooping moustaches. It was considered the height of fashion.

Nowadays in the military, the clean shaven look is considered the height of hygiene and gives a man a sweet, polished look.

Either grow it out or shave it. Partial stubble looks like you used super glue and animal hair and missed a few spots.

Every time I see a guy like that, I ask myself "Is he homeless?"