- 1+ 12- 2
Homeless Over a Party Foulv
Jesse: "I need a minute of your time, okay? A minute where you are just neutral and you're not judging each other and you are not holding on to s***."
Lauren: "Whenever I smell urine, it reminds me of the time you peed in my hair."
Katie: "Ugh, there was a bump. What do you want me to say about it?!"
Lauren: "There was no bump!"
Jesse: "Stop it! You two hate each other for no reason! I am so sick and tired of living like a child of divorce. Why don't you just live together for the summer, see how it goes? Okay, Lauren, honey, I have a question. Where are you sleeping tonight, cause it's not at my place? I have that Peruvian boy coming over from the gym. And Katherine, may I remind you that your most promising applicant was that woman that looked like Ted Danson and could not stop *******? Do you want that? You two, my gorgeous angels, are about to be homeless in Washington Square Park over a f****** party foul and I don't like to give out spare change so you're on your own."
Rather than see his two best friends out on the street, Jesse tries to mediate a truce between Lauren and Katie. He explains that the choice is simple, they can get over the "party foul" that put them at odds and live together or they can both live on the street.
- 2+ 9- 3
That Makes You Awesome!
Lauren: "I've had phone a**l."
Jesse: "You had phanal?!"
Lauren: "This doesn't make me a whore."
Jesse: "A whore?! No, this makes you awesome!"
Still straddling that fine line between prude and proud, Lauren shares details of the naughty things she's said on the phone sex line with Jesse. Lauren sees some of the kinks as whorish while Jesse calls them pure awesome.
- 3+ 8- 3
The Initial Meetingv
Jesse: "This is my friend Katie. This is my friend Lauren. She's going to drive you home, okay? Please, please, please."
Katie: [holds up a plastic cup] "Is this yours?"
Lauren: "Yeah, sorry, I think it's empty."
Katie: "Perfect!" [urinates in the cup]
Lauren: "Stop! This is my new car!"
Katie: "I do this all the time, just shhh... Ta da! See, no spills at all!" [spills the cup of urine all over Lauren]
Lauren: [stops the car] "Get out."
Katie: "Urine is sterile!"
How not to make a good first impression: Be really drunk, urinate in a cup in a stranger's car, then when the car hits a bump, spill that cup of urine all over the stranger. That's the story when Katie and Lauren first meet in a flashback from 10 years earlier.
- 4+ 8- 3
Pretty Pink Phonev
Lauren: "Laxstin Press isn't hiring for another three months so until then, I'm yours. I want to make a third of the profits and I'm not getting on the phone. It's strictly business."
Katie: "I wouldn't want you on the phone. You wouldn't have any idea what to do. Can you help me make a website?"
Lauren: "Of course I could, but you don't need a website yet. You need a phone number and a phone... for your new landline."
Katie: "Oh my god, you got me a gift!"
Lauren: "You're welcome."
Katie: "And it's pink! Okay, so I've been thinking about the concept of my line and the thing about it, it's classic, it's always in style, just like my pretty pink phone."
When her interview does not go as planned, Lauren breaks down and finally agrees to join in on Katie's new phone sex business. She even takes the first step by setting up a landline for the apartment and buys Katie a pretty pink phone."
- 5+ 10- 5
That's a Little Stiffv
Katie and Lauren: [together] "One nine hundred, mmm hmmm. That's one nine hundred M-M-M-H-M-M-M."
Sean: "And cut!"
Jesse: "I still think that's a little stiff..."
Sean: "No, I mean I'd call. I already did call. Maybe you guys should have a drink."
Jesse: "It doesn't take much."
Katie: "Can you get me a glass of wine, please?"
Lauren: "Will you get me a glass of wine please too?"
Jesse: "Yeah, I just think I loved it more like 'Are you alone...' well we'll talk about it. I just felt like you weren't in a tub."
Katie: "All right"
Katie and Lauren: [together] "We'll do better!"
Lauren: "Thank you"
Now that the ladies have established their business, it is time to promote it. That's where Jesse and Sean come in to help as the team films a commercial showing the girls in a bubble bath together.
- 6+ 6- 4
Get a Landlinev
Katie: "I get a dollar a minute for a phone sex line. Whatever they say I just tell them I want to lick it. Like nipple guy, lick it. Hairy balls, lick 'em all."
Lauren: "Okay, ew! Get a landline. You're wasting your time for a buck a minute and this depraved company you work for makes four times as much as you for doing nothing. Get your own hotline."
Katie: "I've thought of that, it just seems like a ton of work."
Lauren: "It's not a ton of work. You just call the phone company. They give you a new number. You'll set up a PayPal account. Tell your repeat callers your new number and you're done."
Katie: "You seem to know how to do this. Help me make this a business and I'll pay $100 of your rent till you get another job."
Katie: "Okay, forever"
Lauren: "I have an interview tomorrow with Laxstin Press. It is the second-best publishing house in the world. It is my dream job and I'm perfect for it."
Katie: "Really? Okay, well you just go get your fancy pants boring job and I'll just be here being exciting."
Katie: "You know you're not better than me. You're not better than phone sex."
Lauren: "I'm better than phone sex."
Lauren sees the potential Katie has should she start her own phone sex business rather than work for a company that takes most of her money however Lauren is not interested in helping start that company. Lauren feels confident about a job interview she has, at least until she actually gets to the interview.
- 7+ 6- 5
Kitty and Cattyv
Katie: "A three way? Yes, we can do that... I'm Kitty and I'm here with my friend."
Lauren: "I'm Catty."
Captain: "Hello Kitty and Catty. That's uh, guarantee you that's going to confuse me once I start w****** off."
At the request of a repeat caller, Lauren and Katie take the Captain's call together for a three way. Unfortunately for the Captain, Katie and Lauren fail to select their names ahead of time leading to some interesting confusion.
- 8+ 3- 7
Say It Like You Mean It
Katie: "Now you just say the words as I point to them, okay?"
Lauren: "Hard, c**k jams"
Katie: "Say it like you mean it!"
Definitely not anything either of the ladies learned in school, Katie gives Lauren a crash course in how to talk dirty to be a phone sex operator for their company. While Lauren learns the lingo, it's the enthusiasm that she's still lacking.
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