- 1+ 71- 19v
Clark: "Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head. And I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-a**, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey s*** he is! Hallelujah! Holy s***! Where's the Tylenol?"
Clark: "Before we begin, since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of grace."
Aunt Bethany: "What dear?"
Noah Griswold: "Grace!"
Aunt Bethany: "Grace? She passed away 30 years ago."
Uncle Lewis: "They want you to say grace. The blesssssing."
Aunt Bethany (after everyone has bowed heads for the blessing): "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands/ One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."
- 2+ 46- 12v
Ralphie (after being shoved down the slide while seeing Santa): "No! No! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!"
Santa Claus: "You'll shoot your eye out, kid."
Adult Ralphie: "Aunt Clara had, for years, labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually four years old, but also a girl."
- 3+ 34- 22v
Buddy: "Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color?"
Buddy: "We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup."
Buddy: "You stink. You smell like beef and cheese, you don't smell like Santa."
- 4+ 22- 16v
Kevin: "This is my house! I have to defend it!"
- 5+ 25- 23v
Sarah The Little Girl: "Santa, how come your clothes are so baggy?"
Scott Calvin: "Because Santa is...watching his saturated fats!"
Sarah The Little Girl: "How come you don’t have a beard?"
Scott Calvin: "Because I shaved." (Pulls out a toy) "Now, do you want this doll or not?!? Go back to sleep!"
- 6+ 20- 18v
Harold: "I shot Santa Claus in the face! He's real, and I shot him in the face!"
- 7+ 19- 21v
Kate: "You say you hate Washington's Birthday or Thanksgiving and nobody cares, but you say you hate Christmas and people treat you like you're a leper."
- 8+ 13- 15v
Santa Claus: "Don't you know who I am?!"
Joe: "Sure, you're a nut!"
Santa Claus: "I'm Santa Claus."
Joe: "Right, and I'm the tooth fairy."
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