The Best George Carlin Quotes

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A list of George Carlin quotes. Here are the best quotes by George Carlin on life, religion, and the human condition. These legendary comedian George Carlin quotations cover the several decades of his career, and include famous quotes from his stand-up specials and his books. These memorable quotations have become part of the collective conscience of George Carlin's contemporaries and will be remembered for generations.

George Carlin was a stand-up comedian, writer, and actor known for his dark humor and thoughts on atheism, psychology, and bad words. His comedic style and illustrious career continues to inspire and influence funny men and women around the world. Carlin died in 2008 at age 71.

Funny quotes from movies, TV, and professional comedians are repeated and shared, uniting fans of different ages, genders, and nationalities. Inspirational quotes from authors, religious leaders, and political figures are cited as words of wisdom, if not printed in history books. The famous last words of everyone from Julius Caesar to Chris Farley are oft quoted as summations of their illustrious lives. The funniest quotes and most famous quotes are words strung together so eloquently and perfectly that audiences can not help but repeat them in everything from speeches to academic papers to Facebook profiles.

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1

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Authority

“ I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. „
2

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Getting Old

“ One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're tired. „
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Idiot and Maniac Drivers

“ Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? „
4

Up 35

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Fight for Peace

“ Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. „
5

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Life as Pure Entertainment

“ People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point. „
6

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If You Can't Beat Them

“ If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. „
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Final Exam

“ I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. „
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Cause of Death

“ Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. „
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Up 17

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One Thing Leads To Another

“ "One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict. „
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Individuals

“ I love and treasure individuals as I meet them. I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to. „
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Odd Feeling

“ You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. „
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Freedom Fighters

“ Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? „
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Baseball Umpires

added by: aehutton35
“ "I always find it funny when the umpire says, 'The batter's got two balls on him!'" „
14

Up 14

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All Hell Breaking Loose

“ I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. „
15

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Atheism As A Belief

“ For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label. „
16

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A Dollar In the Change Machine

“ I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed. „
17

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People Stand in a Circle

“ If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance. „
18

Up 8

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Men and Women

added by: groovius
“ Women are Crazy, Men are Stupid. „
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