Goon Movie Quotes

By 167 votes 91 voters 91k views 8 items tags f p @
The best 'Goon' movie quotes include some of the funniest and most memorable lines from this 2012 hockey comedy film. In 'Goon,' Seann William Scott is Doug Glatt: A hapless, hopeless guy who longs to finally become someone important (like the rest of his family members). Somehow, Doug winds up as a hockey "enforcer" -- an unofficial hockey position that involves fighting or checking anyone who comes after team members (especially the stars). Not surprisingly, some of the most hilarious quotes from 'Goon' come from Doug, as he goes from unassuming newbie to hockey superstar almost overnight -- despite the fact that he actually can't play hockey at all. See a favorite 'Goon' quote listed here? Vote it up! And, if your personal favorite quote isn't listed, by all means, add it!

'Goon' features an all-star cast. In addition to Seann William Scott, the movie also stars Jay Baruchel, Liev Schreiber, Alison Pill, Eugene Levy and Marc-Andre Grondin. As Doug "The Thug" makes his way up to major Canadian hockey, he gets hired to defend Xavier Laflamme (Grondin), a player still recovering from an on-ice attack by Ross "The Boss" Rhea (Schreiber). Can Doug keep his teammate safe? Doug pretty much beats all the odds to get to the big leagues in hockey...especially considering the fact that he can't skate, and he really can't play the game!

Z
G Options B Comments & Embed
  1. 1
    + 31
    - 11

    They Just Want You to Bleed

    Ranker Video
    Photo: YouTube
    v

    Ross: "You know they just want you to bleed, right?"
    Doug: "I'm here to do whatever they need me to do, you know? If they need me to bleed, then I'll bleed for my team."
    Ross: "Yeah. I suppose you heard I'm gonna retire at the end of the season. I've been at this since I was 17, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna go out like some nancy-boy, middle aged f*ck. You understand?"
    Doug: "Yeah, I understand."
    Ross: "You have my respect. Whatever that means to you, you got it. But know that in your heart, if ever there comes a time when it gets down to the marrow and it's just you and me, kid, I will lay you the f*ck out."


    Ross "The Boss" Rhea (Liev Schreiber) is Doug's idol -- but he's obviously slightly mentally unbalanced, and ready to walk away. That doesn't mean, however, that he won't kick Doug's a** if given the opportunity...
  2. 2
    + 17
    - 8

    Herpes in the Parking Lot

    Herpes in the Parking Lot is listed (or ranked) 2 on the list Goon Movie Quotes
    Photo: user uploaded image

    Doug: "Where is LaFlamme?"
    Gord Ogilvey: "Probably giving some single mother herpes out in the parking lot."


    As part of his job as an enforcer, Doug has to guard anyone who comes after Xavier Laflamme (Marc-Andre Grondin). Laflamme is a bit of a loose cannon, who may or may not carry a sexually transmitted disease.
  3. 3
    + 10
    - 4

    Nicest Thing Ever

    Nicest Thing Ever is listed (or ranked) 3 on the list Goon Movie Quotes
    Photo: user uploaded image

    Eva: "You make me wanna stop sleeping with a bunch of guys."
    Doug: "That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."


    Eva, not surprisingly, quickly becomes Doug's love interest. And, amazingly, she likes him enough to stop screwing other hockey players. What a lady!
  4. 4
    + 11
    - 5

    Light in Our Stomachs

    Ranker Video
    Photo: YouTube
    v

    Doug: "I think that we both have a light in our stomachs. A special light...Like E.T. And the team needs someone to light the way. My stomach light needs your stomach light. We can all phone home together."


    Doug isn't the brightest, but he has heart. And he apparently loves 'E.T.'
  5. 5
    + 12
    - 7

    The Number 69: It's Hilarious

    Ranker Video
    Photo: YouTube
    v

    Coach: "Jesus Christ! It's just too bad that those are your teammates you f*cked up out there."
    Doug: "Oh...I'm sorry, sir."
    Coach: "Of course, on the bright side, those are your teammates you f*cked up out there. What do you say, son? You want to be an Assassin?
    Doug: "Yes, yes!"
    Coach: "What number do you want to wear?"
    Pat (yells from the stands): "69! Take the number 69, it's hilarious!"
    Doug: "Is that number taken?"


    When Doug goes to a hockey game with Pat, he knocks out a player who was charging his friend. That one move seals Doug's fate: Even though he can't actually play hockey, he gets a tryout and joins the team.
  6. 6
    + 10
    - 5

    Pretty Face

    Pretty Face is listed (or ranked) 6 on the list Goon Movie Quotes
    Photo: user uploaded image

    Eva: "Hi there, I'm Eva. I dig hockey players."
    Doug: "Eva, I really like your name. I think it's a pretty name. Like your face. You've got a pretty name and a pretty face."


    Eva (Alison Pill) is a die-hard hockey fan who makes no bones about it (so to speak): She loves hockey players, she loves violence -- and now, she apparently loves Doug, too.
  7. 7
    + 9
    - 4

    Two Rules

    Ranker Video
    Photo: YouTube
    v

    Hockey players: "We should sign his dick."
    Doug: "What's happening here?!"
    John Stevenson: "I'll sign your dick, Doug."


    The world of pro hockey players is a totally unfamiliar one for Doug. They have some bizarre rituals.
  8. 8
    + 14
    - 9

    Sign Your D*ck

    Ranker Video
    Photo: YouTube
    v

    Hockey players: "We should sign his dick."
    Doug: "What's happening here?!"
    John Stevenson: "I'll sign your dick, Doug."


    The world of pro hockey players is a totally unfamiliar one for Doug. They have some bizarre rituals.
L List Options B Comments & Embed z Share Next List >