Have Time Machine - Will NOT Travel By ijtfalcon 

Alright, the first thing you probably want to do with your new time machine is to party it up. And who could blame you? You just built a fucking time machine, you deserve a little party. So where in history should you go? Well, as is commonly known, the hottest party on this side of the Old Testament was probably going down in a happenin’ little Twin-City area known as Sodom and Gomorrah. If you DO go, however, make sure to avoid it between 2067 and 2066 B.C. because that’s when God got really pissed (some claim because he was never invited) and brought a little fire and brimstone down on it killing everyone there. In fact, I’d err on the side of caution and avoid it any time after 2080 B.C. just to make sure these dates aren’t a little off.

So after you’ve travelled through history and checked out some pretty cool stuff, you’ll probably start to enter random dates into your time machine’s computer “just for the f**k of it.” Well, make sure you DON’T enter the above dates because, during these times the entire world was flooded and you’ll drown pretty quickly. See, God was mad at the ENTIRE world this time because of a tremendous amount of wickedness going on so he decided he’d just etch-a-sketch the whole thing and save only Noah and his family along with two of every creature. Except the dinosaurs because f**k them. Everyone else just went to h**l, so make sure you don’t too.

I’m sure that, at some point in your time travelling, you’ll want to take in a little culture and check out other countries during significant periods of history. Just make sure you DO NOT visit the Japanese cities of Hiorshima or Nagasaki during the first couple of weeks of August in 1945. It was on these dates that the God decided he’d had enough of the World War conflict (this one being the SECOND time everyone in the world decided they hated each other...sheesh) and decided in favor of the U.S. by telling President Truman to “nuke the s**t out of those Japs.” Truman did and the war was won, but those who even saw the event had their eyeballs melted out of their skulls so I’d recommend you’d avoid the area and time all together.

Knowing you and your time machine, you’re probably not going to want to simply go around getting history lessons, now are you? Just like any other curious human being, you want to know what happens in the future. Well, let me save you the suspense: we don’t have a lot of future left. Years ago, God told the Mayans to end their calendar at a time they were pretty sure God was going to get REALLY pissed and that happens to be December 12, 2012. See, if you look at the Mayan writings closely, you’ll discover that December 12th, 2012 is the exact date that some dumbass executive for E! Entertainment will green light the production of yet another Kardashian reality show. At that point, God will decide that he’s had quite enough of mankind and just wipe us all out once and for all. And who could blame him?