- 1+ 21- 4
A Wonderful Dayv
Charlie: "We're going to have a wonderful day today. I'm so terrible on the eyes I don't know why I share a bed with you. You're absolutely perfect and if you want, I'll spend the rest of your life with you."
Annie: "I'm up for it."
[door bell rings, Charlie is hit with a golf club]
Charlie: "You hit me in the nose with a golf club?!"
Gil: "I didn't think it would hurt that bad."
Charlie: "Alex, what do you want?"
Alex: "I want my money, that's all."
Charlie: [punches Alex] "Then you got it"
After waking up next to his beautiful girlfriend, Annie, Charlie counts his blessings and gets ready to savor the day. All seems well until he gets a knock at the door and a golf club to the face.
- 2+ 7- 2
Who Are You?!v
Annie: "What's going on?"
Charlie: "I was kind of involved in bank robbing. When I got into witness protection I knew I wasn't going to be that guy anymore."
Annie: "You're a bank robber?!?"
Charlie: "I did the getaway driving part."
Annie: "Who are you?!?"
Charlie: "I knew you were going to react this way."
Annie: "Who wouldn't react this way? A sociopath?"
After being rushed out of the house by Charlie, Annie wants to know what the heck is going on, and rightfully so. She however was not expecting to hear that her significant other is on the run from his old bank-robbing buddies.
- 3+ 8- 3
Charlie: "This whole thing happened really fast and I'm sorry."
Annie: "Except for completely lying about who you are"
Charlie: "You may have had three ways with dudes. I don't know."
Annie: "Whoa, whoa, whoa!"
Forced to traverse on foot, Charlie and Annie have plenty of time to reflect on the shocking events that they just experienced. Pretty sure Annie was hoping for some sincere apology, not an accusation that she was some kind of whore.
- 4+ 7- 3
What Are You Doing, Randy?v
Charlie: "What are you doing, Randy?!"
Charlie: "I look out the window you're ghost-ridin' your van and blasting holes in everything... You gotta be more careful!"
Randy: "Shut the [gunshot] up!"
US Marshall Randy sure means well but life just keep giving him lemons. Such is the case when his minivan stars rolling down a hill and towards children playing in a yard. His subsequent choice to try to stop the van by shooting his gun toward the children is ill-advised, but thankfully the children are spared great bodily injury.
- 5+ 6- 3
Debbie: "Annie, you deserve so much more than this. I went to football games and blacked out and got date-raped. I worried too much about what my boyfriends thought. I got what I deserved, but that's not you! ... There's some Zannies in here."
Annie: "Debbie, I don't need..."
Debbie: "Take it... If you mix it with wine or beer it sort of supercharges it."
When girls have relationship problems, they head to their girlfriends for some moral support. That's what Annie hoped to get when she reached out to Debbie but instead she got some interesting confessions and instructions on how to abuse prescription meds.
- 6+ 5- 4
You Owe Me!v
Alex: "We were best friends and you betrayed me."
Charlie: "You know what? F*** you!"
Alex: "You owe me!"
Charlie: "What are you talking about?"
Alex: "I was in jail for eight months."
Charlie: "What, you didn't like the gym equipment?"
Alex: "I got butt-f*****. I got f***** in the butt because of you."
Charlie: "I'm really really sorry... Was it a black guy?"
Alex: "No, it wasn't a black guy."
Charlie: "Was it a Mexican guy?"
Charlie: "Was it one of those white guys, those f***** Nazis?"
Annie: "Charlie! Could have been Latino, could have been Tongan, could have been Persian."
Alex: "I was butt-f***** by a Filipino dude, OK!!! Solve your dilemma of what part of the world my ass traveled to?!?"
Combining racially sensitive humor with prison rape jokes, this exchange has it all. Charlie seems to feel bad that Alex was sexually assaulted in prison, especially after Charlie helped send Alex to the slammer, but not bad enough to not ask Alex a bunch of questions about said rape.
- 7+ 3- 3
Police Officer: "I clocked you at a hundred and twenty-seven miles per hour."
Randy: "I'm a US Marshall. I've got someone in witness protection who needs my protection."
Police Officer: "Do you think it's safe to say that you shouldn't be driving at NASCAR speeds?"
Randy: "Oh, I didn't know..."
Police Officer: "You didn't know?"
Randy: "I have no idea."
Randy: "Oh you had no idea?"
Playing a character he does often, Tom Arnold is introduced to the movie as the goofy but well-intentioned US Marshall assigned to protect Charlie. Now if he could just get the local police to lay off of him so he could drive recklessly to get to Charlie all would be well.
- 8+ 2- 4
I Buried Something
Charlie: "I buried something that Alex wants."
Alex: "We were best friends and you betrayed me"
Setting up the journey Charlie and Annie take, Charlie explains that when he and Alex were robbing banks that he buried something in Los Angeles, California, and now that Alex is out of prison, he needs to find it before Alex. Accordingly, Charlie and Annie embark on the adventure to do just that.
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