Horoscopes For The Week Of August 31 2009 By Odd Astrology [8 more lists]

Everyone reads their horoscope whether they’re willing to admit it or not. There are countless traditional horoscope writers out there, but I'm not one of them. Every Monday I publish twelve short satirical narratives on my blog Odd Astrology and on Ranker. My horoscopes are written to amuse people by exploring their existential messes using an irreverent sensibility. You can reach me at blugirli@yahoo.com or oddastrology.blogspot.com

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Rank Name

1

Aries

Dear Aries,

Please read this horoscope carefully. Your ruling planet Mars is beating you up about the all your past failures. Ignore that bully planet. The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart the less chances you can love your present incarnation. Don’t be a hater. One reason I think that time was created was so we could have a place to bury the failures of our past. Frog march yourself forward!
2

Taurus

Taurus listen to me I’m a trained astrologer and I really feel that your House of Mindless Movement is afflicted. Avoid buses, trains, cars, bikes, motorcycles, skate boards, ice skates, skooters, planes, ships (small boating craft as well as cruise ships), dog sleds, walking, running, and blinking. Time travel and meditation are alright, but astro projection is not on. Just try to stay physically and existentially still as possible this week. The planets think you’re moving around too much and you’re making them nervous.
3

Gemini

I remember a saying about secrets that some old codger on the bus told me years ago: if you reveal your secrets to the wind you shouldn’t blame the wind for revealing them to the trees. The planets advise you to keep your motor mouth closed about any juicy gossip you have on people, especially your siblings. A long time ago I told a so called best friend that my brother Marty peed his pants during thunderstorms. It was a vicious lie but I’m a mean sister with loads of evil DNA. Anyway my lie was spread all over the schoolyard and when Marty found out, he knocked me to the ground. I cut my knee and I had to go into emergency surgery; later I received Jungian therapy to make me whole again. Trust me some things are better left unsaid.
4

Cancer

Your Sun - Moon opposition will have you channeling your past life as a Amish woman through the celestial dimensions to your here and now homestead. You’ll know you’re in the middle of your past life existence when without explanation you start canning your own bologna, and contemplating the joys of hand stitching. But don’t freak, your Amish spirit will be in gone in her karmic buggy by the week’s end. So will your humble plain living lifestyle
5

Leo

Okay um, Leo you’re really screaming at us. Help. Leo stop screaming at us. We can hear you alright. OMG are you going postal at the neighbours now? Okay you’re angry at the world: it’s your Mars-Mercury square. We’re all against you. We don’t understand you. You’re a genius and we’re mental midgets. Stop screaming Leo you’re gonna give yourself a Hollywood heart attack!
6

Virgo

Virgo you scare me right now. You’re a combination of mop martyr and dish despot. My advice for this week: make sure you’re around where other’s are not. For the sake of domestic peace do we really need to give you our signature on your chore list manifesto? I had no idea that the kitchen citizens were so unruly with their crumbs. I know you want to make us an eensy bit better, but how much power do you think you deserve around this House State? Let’s take a vote.
7

Libra

Libra you’re well known for being able to look at many sides to one argument. So much so that you have a reputation for not only being diplomatic but also a bon vivant. However, this week your art of conversation will turn into shouting, screaming, biting, and kicking. And anyone who really knows you knows that no one has mastered this quite like you. We need to keep loads of diazepam ready to sneak in your morning java when you lose the plot.
8

Scorpio

Scorpio: Yes, hello Mr. Cognitive Therapist I’m suffering from a weird obsession in which I feel compelled to count my every breath.

Mr. Cognitive Therapist: You’re such a sad obsessive compulsive. You need to wear an elastic band around your wrist and snap it every time you have an irrational thought. If you don’t have an elastic band available ask the first person you see to slap you across the face. Good luck this week and remember things are neither good nor bad, only thinking makes them that way.

Scorpio: Eat me.
9

Sagittarius

This week’s Moon-Sun opposition for Sagittarius reminds me of the Greek myth of Sisyphus. Sisyphus was a greedy Tartarus King punished by the gods to repeatedly push a rock up the mountain; where it would fall back again of it’s own weight. For the gods there was nothing more hopeless than f*tile labour. Sagittarius I suck at Greek Mythology but I reckon one way out of your Sisyphian prison is to find a way to be joyful while you’re pushing that rock back up the mountain. That way when it rolls back down to the bottom you won’t mind pushing it back up again. Okay?
10

Zodiac Collection, Capricorn

Capricorn = lazy. What’s happening people? Get your ass out of bed and get back to the office. I thought all Capricorns were proponents of the belief that work is a means to salvation. Now you’re talking about busy-ness as undemocratic, and what’s the point of having so much stuff, it only ends up in a garage sale when we die? Well I think you’re all being selfish. I can’t wait until this period of your life passes. Then you can return to work and do our jobs for us.
11

Aquarius

Hi Aquarius! Your 9th and 12th Houses of Holy Matters are lit up with planetary super-spirit. So find a straw mat, sit on it, and think about Buddha. Visualize a big hug from the four armed immaculate image of Kuan Yin. By holding on to that which is slipping away (our mortgages, our minds) will just give you rope burn. Let Kuan Yin’s hugs help you deal with the impermanence of things. Especially when the only thing left the repo man hasn’t taken from you is the air in your lungs.
12

Pisces

Thou shall not steal. Thou shall not murder. Thou shall overcome your Mercury and Mars square. Wuz up gangsta Pisces? Your planets are trying to trick you into a life of crime. Stay away from booze, baseball bats, and bad people. I would tell you who to avoid but I can’t talk about that. I’m trying to stay alive.

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