Horoscopes For The Week Of September 14 2009 By Odd Astrology [8 more lists]

Everyone reads their horoscope whether they’re willing to admit it or not. There are countless traditional horoscope writers out there, but I'm not one of them. Every Monday I publish twelve short satirical narratives on my blog Odd Astrology and on Ranker. My horoscopes are written to amuse people by exploring their existential messes using an irreverent sensibility. You can reach me at blugirli@yahoo.com or oddastrology.blogspot.com

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Aries

This week you will find meaning in cleaning. How? Well the only way to find real meaning in cleaning is to prioritise your chore list on an unconscious level. When you fall asleep late at night content that your dishwasher has been emptied, and the garbage brought to the curb: your dreamworld will be filled with images of you still doing housework. It’s like your day of housework never stopped. But don’t cry, wisdom and truth can be hidden in a nightmare. Your unconscious is cleaning house in order to help you release past negativity. It’s a way of cleaning up your psyche. So happy dreams; the dryer needs emptying again!

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2

Taurus

Taurus you're bored out of your mind. You're so tired of routines and bourgeoisie. That Moon-Sun conjunction coming up mid week in your 5th House makes you anxious to try something different. Here some ideas to keep you busy:

1. Go find missing people.

2. Find a priest and have a debate with them.

3. Speak Shakespearean all day long with your co workers even after they threaten to taketh thine ass off this mortal coil.

4. Glue everything you own to the ceiling.

5. Spank the monkey (an all time favourite activity for bored people).

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3

Gemini

You're really gonna be scared. When you're out and about, somewhere in your peripheral vision, you'll glimpse your doppelganger. It'll seem like a mirror reflection; but in fact it's your exact double. According to one of my neighbours she saw me in Cork Ireland, when I was in Canada! This scared me quite a bit and I immediately changed my hair colour to prevent the wrath of the doppelganger. It's said that if you ever come face to face with your body double one of you must die. So avoid death and other supernatural mishaps by tricking them with a dye job. If not, you could be killed and your double will snatch your body. Hope your hair looks great!

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4

Cancer

You have a bad case of the woulda coulda shoulda syndrome. You woulda coulda shoulda talked to your boss five years ago about that job opportunity in France, because if you did you could of hooked up again with that person you loved so much in Paris, and right now you would be living in a really chi-chi French neighbourhood with your five perfect children eating fresh baguettes everyday. LET IT GO. This will be the week to purge the memories of what could of been. You need to write out a list of every woulda coulda shoulda and shape that list into a little paper sailboat then send it out to sea. Some smart person once told me that the past is a foreign country we don't have the passport to visit. Au revoir.

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5

Leo

Okay Leo you're one sad p***y cat this week. What happened to the roar from the King of the Beasts? You just don't trust yourself to say the right things, and it's effecting your pride. I blame that Mercury retrograde because it's making you very unsure of yourself. But don't worry kitty-cat, you have a Virgo Moon-Virgo Sun conjunction mid week that will step on your tail and force a mighty roar out of you. I much prefer you noisy than not. A silent lion is a dangerous one.

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Virgo

Oh dear. I don't like that Mercury Retrograde moving backwards from your 2nd House into your 1st House. In my humble astrological opinion this can only lead to the early onset of dementia. Imagine every Virgo across the planet running stop signs and forgetting shopping lists. Does your town have an emergency plan? You'll remember faces, so that's comforting. You'll recognize that child who opens your door and walks into your house actually belongs to you. When I have my dementia days, I just nod and smile a lot. People don't give a damn if you remember what they say; they just want you to agree with them. Not to mention no one likes a grumpy amnesiac.

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Libra

Your friends are your life. You love being around a group of gabbers and the centre of all the buzz. Do you ever get confused between being everything to everyone and being yourself? There's a Moon-Sun conjunction coming up this week that will shake you right to your existential core. In between parties and coffees you'll find yourself obsessing over the question: Am I a fraud? If my friends knew who I really am would they still text me?

LOL OMG YGBKM TIAD H2CUS: Laugh out loud Oh my God you got to be kidding me tomorrow is another day hope to see you soon

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8

Scorpio

Scorpio, listen to W.B Yeats when he writes: "never give all the heart...for everything that is lovely is but a brief, dreamy kind of delight, o never give the heart outright". I won't read you the rest because I don't want you to cry too hard. Yeats' poem is a warning to all lovesick Scorpions. Giving all your heart away may leave you with a dysfunctional itty bitty ticker. So hold on to some of your heart and you'll survive the week without the bypass.

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9

Sagittarius

Look dear it's very difficult for you to be a social climber. The reason that you can't be a social climber is because anyone born under the sign of Sagittarius can't lie. In order to make the ascent you have to understand sprezzatura. Sprezzatura is a term that originates from Castiglione's Book of the Courtier. It's the ability to make everything look easy (lie) and to be the total master of yourself (lie) in front of people you are trying to impress. It's so nouveau riche to talk about big ideas (Sagittarius) you need to be ironic (social climber) in order to impress rich inbreds. Lets face it, you don't know your bechamel from your Beaujolais and you can't lie about it. I guess you'll always be just one of the staff.

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10

Capricorn

Well if you're aiming for perfection please don't. There's nothing worse than hanging out with someone who folds their used Kleenex into origami shapes before throwing it in the trash. Resist the urge to iron your underwear. Say this 5 times fast: People who are purposely perfect are pesky pricks who put piss on their pickles to pucker their puss. Translation: perfect people are always sour because no one can live up to their standards. Have you ever seen Martha Stewart smile?

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Aquarius

You have beans in your pants but they aren't Mexican jumping beans. What I'm trying to say is you're ready to leave your current incarnation but you can't make it happen. It's feels like you're on stage singing your heart out but no one's hearing your song. You're supposed to be fabulous, so why do you have bad hair and drive a second hand car? What's up with that? It's Mercury retrograde making you walk backwards this week. But don't fret, those who wish to sing, always find a song!

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12

Pisces

Pisces if you want to do the voodoo you got to practise hoodoo. Words won't be enough to influence other people this week, so you'll have to turn to an ancient form of wishcraft to make people need you in ways they can't explain. In the hoodoo world thoughts and candles make weird things happen, so gather a white candle, a needle, and scratch the words "do what I friggin' want" all over your white candle with your sharp needle. Then light the candle and think about what you want other people to do for you. When the candle burns all the way down, hoodoo will be released into the hearts of the people you want power over.

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