Horoscopes For The Week Of September 21 2009 By Odd Astrology  [8 more lists]

I really like you this week. Some of your planet's square and trine aspects are making you bearable to be around. You're actually pleasant, intuitive, and well, very understanding. Maybe we are in love with you after all? Keep this up and you're going to be mistaken for a gentler zodiac sign. Or maybe it's all an act to get your damn way! What do you really want Aries?

It's amazing how many people bore us and they don't even realize it. I have some ex-relations who feel it their duty to tell me every detail of their vacation without taking a single breath. I went here...and there...then we went to that funny place ...where there was that thing...what was that thing? Sometimes they drag out pictures. Thousands of landscape pictures, all tedious and stupid. The whole one-way discussion can go on for hours until mercifully you remember to use the excuse to visit the can; then stay there in hopes that on your return the conversation has changed. Fat chance. My relations think they're being interesting because they see me nodding. What they don't understand is that I'm nodding off. I guess what I'm trying to warn you is that your planets are lined up to make you the biggest bore in the cosmos. When you are socializing you need to follow one of the most important rules of conversation: if people aren't talking it's because you're doing all of it. Shut up and let someone say something worthwhile.

Gemini your Venus trine Pluto and your Scorpio Moon trine Cancer Mars can only mean you need to stock pile food and emergency supplies for the end of the world. Any astrologer that tells you differently should be locked up. You're planning for the catastrophic end of the planet and the only advice you're willing to listen to right now is where can you find water purifying tablets and massive bags of rice. You know if it's any help, sometimes the planets form astrological aspects that make us raging paranoids. I call this experience cosmic thought farting. Luckily the smell from these cosmic farts will pass when the planets are aligned differently next week.

Cancer the crab retreat into your shell! You need to be unobtrusive at worst; completely hidden at best. There's a hunt out for crabs and you could be be caught in their mean nets. Hide under rocks or camouflage yourself in little piles of beach debris. If a wave comes along and wants to take you out to sea, hitch that ride away from the troubled shore. When all else fails, play dead, and have your pincers ready. But please remember that Greek Myth when Cancer the Crab was killed by Hercules after pinching the hero's toe. If possible stay far away from people especially those with big feet.

You're taking self promotion to a whole new level. "Leo the Hoff" is our dramatis personae this week. Trying to impress us with your go-fast cars, bleeping gadgets, and new self-help theology. Your 2nd House of Gimme Gimme is on a collision course with Pluto the Destroyer so remember the taller we are the harder we fall. Silly gas bag, it's far better for your relationships when people discover your good qualities without your help.