Horoscopes For The Week Of September 7 2009 By Odd Astrology [8 more lists]

Everyone reads their horoscope whether they’re willing to admit it or not. There are countless traditional horoscope writers out there, but I'm not one of them. Every Monday I publish twelve short satirical narratives on my blog Odd Astrology and on Ranker. My horoscopes are written to amuse people by exploring their existential messes using an irreverent sensibility. You can reach me at blugirli@yahoo.com or oddastrology.blogspot.com

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Rank Name

1

Aries

People ask me what’s the secret to my happy marriage? I tell them my husband and I enjoy candlelight dinners and going to our favorite club for drinks and dancing. I go on Friday and he goes on Saturday. Aries if you have any sense left in that headstrong noodle of yours, I would suggest you follow my secret of a happy marriage. Give yourself and your main squeeze loads of space this week because you’re mixing like oil and water.

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2

Taurus

Do you know how people got through the Great Depression? They didn’t think what do I need to buy; they thought what do I have that I can use? So since you’ll be freaking out about money and world recessions this week, maybe it would help you by turning out every single light in your house right now. There’s also dumpster diving at your local landfill if a very frugal moment strikes you. Or you can save money buy eating a small piece of sunlight everyday just like the Prime Minister of Japan’s wife does! But only eat a small amount because you need to save the other pieces of sunlight for others to eat during this recession. Don’t you just hate fugs?

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3

Gemini

With Mercury retrograde in your 5th House expect feeling uninspired and mortal for a short duration. With Mercury in this position having fun is a risk, so please be boring for the next week. Avoid 5th House pursuits like running with knives, climbing cliffs, playing sports, sex with strangers, the casino, and art shows. Or you’re dead. I know that sounds terrible, but the safest thing for you to do this week is just look out your window and watch the butterflies frolic. Next week you’ll be joining them.

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4

Cancer

Cancer I’m in love with the astrological aspects lined up for you this week. First of all you have the Moon and Mars in your first house which gives you the ability to see through walls and be a leading force for good. Then later on in the week you have the Moon trine Venus as well as the Moon trine Sun which I think will reveal to everyone around your top secret strengths. Enjoy your super powers.

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5

Leo

Last week you were off your head. You screamed, shouted, and set houses on fire. This week you’re recanting, asking us for forgiveness. It’s lonely when you scare others, and you can’t stand the lonliness. Well forget it! I think you need to be ignored for a couple more weeks before we laugh at your jokes, accept your dinner invitations, or take whatever goodies you bought us to get the love back.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

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6

Virgo

Askesis is Greek for Asceticism which translates as “exercise” or “training”. It means no sex, no drugs, no wine, no fun, no food, no sin. This week Virgo has a bad case of askesis. Your mind-body transformation will include throwing out all your household possessions and wondering around the neighbourhood with a little sheet wrapped around your bum. The thing that will knock you off this self mastery trip will be one tiny piece of chocolate bar left behind in your otherwise empty cupboard. One bite and you’re back to credit card debt and bad television.

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7

Libra

Okay I have some affirmations for you to say over and over again this week. Try these gems: “I am strong and I will stay off the booze”. ”I can ask people to support me through my wilderness”. “I can ignore people when they try to support me in my wilderness”. “I can handle my wilderness by taking a 40 ouncer into the woods and drinking it under a tree”. I love you Libra even when you don’t love you; now where exactly is that tree? I need to go wild.

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8

Scorpio

Up to your usual cloak and dagger tricks again. It seems that you’re the hidden advisor behind the throne. Like Pol Pot was to the Khmer Rouge or Nancy to Ronald Reagan. The shadow who is a de facto leader and likes it that way. And why not? All you want is a warm bed, kind words, and unlimited power. Just don’t confuse it with wisdom.

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9

Sagittarius

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10

Capricorn

When you screw up royally at work try to keep your wits about you and look for important alliances. Use the television series Survivor as a helpful guide to make the situation bearable. Make strategic partnerships with co-workers in order to get through this nasty spell of misunderstandings at the office and maybe you’ll be granted immunity. No matter how many challenges you’ve won in the past, you still have a lot of bugs to eat and swamps to swim across, if you know what I mean. Pick your alliances carefully and don’t fart in the hut.

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11

Aquarius

Aquarius, later today will be the time to blurt. Find that very special person who gives you butterflies, and before you know it you’ll be blurting to them. Blurting is a very intuitive experience that requires full access to your subconcious mind - so tell your logical left brain to take a hike. I know that you might think I’m suggesting you blab not blurt. But blabbing is to go on and on and on and on about nothing at all. A blurt is short, explosive, a bit confusing, but always revealing. If you time your blurting right, it could lead to an interesting week.

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12

Pisces

You want it all and you want it now. Bless you, we all dream of laughing into a champange flute while lying on a bed covered with money. Definitely you have the planetary influence to make big things happen but your retrograde Mercury is turning you into a quiet bore without any mojo. In order to have it all this week you have to take fate by the balls and force yourself to be loud and outrageous. Fortune favours the bold.

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