How To Avoid Being Yelled At (by women) By litgoddess  [23 more lists]

“Do you think she’s pretty?”

By far, the dumbest and most asinine question that only a highly insecure woman would ever ask a man. You shouldn’t have to worry about this one, but since women, like men, will never evolve, you should be equipped with a response.

“No, why?”

“Well, you were checking her OUT! What the h**l, man? I’m right here!”

Deny, deny, deny. “No, I wasn’t.”

“Yes, you were. I saw you!”

Start criticizing. “Damn, woman, if I noticed anything about that skank, it was her tramp factor. Not my type, babe.”

You and I both know you’re lying out of you ass. You’re a man, aren’t you? You aren’t blind. It's a well-known fact that all men look, but only the truly gifted can do it covert-style.

Operation Happy Eyes commences every five seconds. So don’t get all defensive – get on the offense and push it back onto her.

“You know, every day that I live and breathe, I freaking love you. I adore you. I adore (insert something really sweet here) and (insert something disgustingly sweet here). And no matter what I do, you constantly question my love and faithfulness. You want to hurt me? You want to drive me away? Keep it up, kiddo, because I don't know how much more I can take."

Issue resolved. Trust me.

I once dated a man who was convinced he could sing.

He couldn’t. He made my ears bleed. He sent cats and dogs running for cover. He shattered glass. I hated it but I loved the guy.

So I put up with it until he found another woman who screeched like he did. That was a match made in heaven and I was actually glad when it ended.

Anywho, point being that you should encourage her passions and interests.

She thinks she can dance but she only looks like she’s being electrocuted.

She thinks she can sing but it’s a noise only crickets can hear.

She thinks she can draw but only succeeds in making a mess.

But if it makes her happy, more power to her.

So suck it up, big guy and post those fingerpaints up on your fridge.

It may come as a shock but girls have digestive tracts too.

And for us, nothing is more mortifying than leaving behind our essence in a bathroom or *shudder* expelling fumes that our colons simply couldn’t handle.

When your woman farts, IGNORE IT.

Don’t laugh. Don’t point. Don’t act shocked. Don’t draw attention to it.

And for God’s sake, don’t JOIN her in a musical number.

It’s a true gentleman who loves a woman despite of her farts, I mean – faults.

In one relationship that lasted for FOUR YEARS, my boyfriend gave me makeup sponges and nail polish remover for Christmas.

He, however, got a silk shirt, silk tie, Swiss Army watch and 5 hours of sex.

So sometimes we wonder why our significant others fail to take not so subtle hints and bestow us with what we want or need, but rather with what they want us to have.

Let me guess? She gave you clothes you don’t like and a COLDPLAY CD. O Horror of Horrors! Keep the Coldplay CD in your car for the next 30 days and when she’s not around, scratch it. Then show it to her and throw it away guilt-free.

Either donate the clothes or set to working on outgrowing them.

Point being, act GRACIOUS and GRATEFUL when she gives you gifts. She loves you and wants to make you happy.

Think of it this way: you’ve got 11 more months to drop hints.

..and Pepto Bismal make three.

We’ve all been there. Someone was kind enough to make us a meal and it tastes like c**p. Neither smell, texture, appearance nor taste resembles anything remotely close to edible.

People treat culinary feats like their children entering a talent show:

"What do you mean, it's not good enough?! I slaved over this and poured love into it and dammit, I freaking NEED you to like it. For ME!"

The neighbors down the street can smell what she made. Some reported mustard gas in the area and you haven't even eaten yet.

But she made it for you and guess what? You have to eat it.

By the way, there is a technique for enduring this act of torture and sacrifice. Take large bites and mix them with something else. After 10 bites you’re done, sir.

Want extra, um, brownie points? Wash the dishes and have HER for dessert.