How To Be An Astrologist In 2 Weeks By Odd Astrology [8 more lists]

Everyone reads their horoscope whether they’re willing to admit it or not. There are countless traditional horoscope writers out there, but I'm not one of them. Every Monday I publish twelve short satirical narratives on my blog Odd Astrology and on Ranker. My horoscopes are written to amuse people by exploring their existential messes using an irreverent sensibility. You can reach me at blugirli@yahoo.com or oddastrology.blogspot.com

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Step 1

To become an astrologist in two weeks you need the gift of psychic abilities. In my opinion if you have the gift: get into it. If you don’t have the gift: get out of it. However if you don’t have psychic gifts, don’t fret. You can easily join the ranks of academic astrologers who write impenetrable articles about theoretical asteroids.
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Step 2

Go to an online forum and bug those academic astrologers for a list of good astrology books. Try to get your books either from a library or some cheapo store. Remember you can’t hang a shingle on your door calling yourself an astrologist until you can speak astrologeuse.
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Step 3

The next thing is to study the meanings of the 12 Sun Signs, Rulers, 12 Houses, 10 Planets, Chiron (bad news asteroid), and about 8 important angles. You also need to read a lot on how to interpret what is called a "natal chart". Read until your eyes bleed. Drink your coffee and don’t moan.
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Step 4

In order to construct a natal chart go to www.astro.com and type in a person’s birth date, time of birth, and location of birth. Out pops a natal chart.
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Step 5

The trick to accurately interpret a natal chart will be to combine your psychic abilities with your previous knowledge of astrology. There's something I call the "AH-HA Factor" involved with correctly interpreting natal charts. For example I have Mars in Sagittarius in my 11th House. So if we combine the dangerous energy of Mars with the deluded Sign of Sagittarius in the 11th House of Wildest Dreams: we end up with the fact I’m a mental case. AH-HA I am mental. What an excellent astrologer you are! Here’s all my money.
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Step 6

The natal chart tells you everything about who a person is and where they’re goin’. If you have the time in your 2 weeks of study to read about transits and progressions; go for it. But if you’re a psychic, then the natal chart will act as a catalyst and make your predictive juices flow.
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Step 7

Most sessions with clients are on average between 40 minutes to an hour. If you can’t do the Cosmo talk for that long you won’t have any repeat business. Make sure you listen to your client and discuss what they want to know. Every client wants a different thing from astrology and it’s up to you to figure it out. Some clients want to hear fluffy bunny stuff; some want astrology to kick their buts and help them self-actualize. Listen carefully to your client and be respectful of their needs. Try not to repeat yourself when you’re interpreting someone’s chart – this is sometimes hard. This is sometimes hard.
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Step 8

Stay cool. Yes you can be an astrologer in 2 weeks. But whether or not you’re any good at astrology will have nothing to do with me, and everything to do with how many good karma points you have. So may the forces of light, positive energy, and happy unicorns licking your feet be yours!

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