Identity Thief Movie Quotes Anything
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Identity Thief Movie Quotes

"Identity Thief" movie quotes take viewers through a comical tale of what happens when an average joe takes it upon himself to track down a conniving woman who has stolen his identity. The comedy film was written by Craig Mazin and directed by Seth Gordon. "Identity Thief," originally titled "ID Theft," was released in theaters on February 8, 2013.

In "Identity Thief," Jason Bateman plays the victim Sandy Bigelow Patterson. When trying to fill his car with gas his credit card is declined and subsequently cut up for suspicious transactions. Upon calling his credit card company, which was not successful by the way, he's pulled over and learns that not only is something wrong with his credit card but he has warrants for his arrest too. A little detective work reveals that his identity has been stolen by a short woman named Diana (Melissa McCarthy). At first Sandy is relieved that this can easily be sorted out but then upset to learn the cops won't pull this woman in and fix it all.

So Sandy sets out to find this woman and bring her back to Colorado to face the music. This is easier said than done, especially as Diana will take every opportunity to lose Sandy. But it gets worse. Not only is Sandy looking for Diana but so are others, including those highly dangerous and out for blood. Genesis Rodriguez, Amanda Peet, Maggie Elizabeth Jones, T.I., Jon Favreau, Morris Chestnut and Eric Stonestreet also appear in the film.

If "Identity Thief" is not quite your style, there are plenty of other great movies in theaters such as "Django Unchained," "Killing Them Softly," "Hitchcock," "Skyfall," "Lincoln," "Flight," "Playing for Keeps," "Silver Linings Playbook," "Anna Karenina," "This Must Be the Place," "Cloud Atlas," "Wreck-It Ralph," "Nobody Walks," "The Sessions," "Red Dawn," "Chasing Mavericks," "Rise of the Guardians," "Argo," and "Looper."

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  1. 1
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    - 8

    I Gotta Cut the Card


    Luis the Gas Station Attendant: "When that comes up we gotta cut the card." Sandy: "Swipe it one more time. Nothing wrong with that card."
    Luis the Gas Station Attendant: "I gotta cut the card."
    Sandy: "Don't cut the card! Put the scissors down!"
    Luis the Gas Station Attendant: "It says we gotta cut the card, you don't pay your bills."
    Luis the Gas Station Attendant: "Go pay your bills, Randy."
    Sandy: "It's Sandy"
    Luis the Gas Station Attendant: "Sandy?" [trash talks Sandy in Spanish]
    Sandy: "I bet that was hurtful, wasn't it?"
    Luis the Gas Station Attendant: "Oh, hurtful, hurtful!"

    When his credit card is declined when Sandy is trying to pump gas, this is the first sign that something is amiss. The trash talk from the gas station attendant is certainly not adding to that either.

  2. 2
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    She's Like a Hobbit


    Sandy: "Look at her. That number right there's her height. She's like a Hobbit. I can handle her. I'm going after Bilbo."
    Trish: "This is crazy. You don't chase criminals. You're not Batman."

    Sandy's wift, Trish, tries to talk him out of traveling across the country to track down the identity thief but Sandy isn't swayed. He sees her as a short little unthreatening being, like a Hobbit.

  3. 3
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    The Person Who Stole Your Identity


    Detective Reilly: "Mr. Patterson, you missed your court date in Florida three days ago."
    Sandy: "I've never even been to Florida."
    Detective Reilly: "Pull a mugshot."
    Sandy: "Who the hell is this?"
    Detective Reilly: "If I had to guess this is the person who stole your identity."
    Sandy: Oh boy, he's a… Is that a woman? What do you do now? You go down and you go get her?"
    Detective Reilly: "Oh no, she'd have to be standing right here to do you any good."
    Sandy: "That's the new standard of police work? What if I go down to Florida and bring her back here? You would have to clear my name, right?"

    As if it was not upsetting enough to learn that a man, erm, woman stole his identity, Sandy is upset to find out that the police are not hot on the trail to finding this thief and arresting her.

  4. 4
    + 8
    - 1

    I Pick the Easy Way


    Sandy: "We're gonna have a little chat."
    Diana: "Okay"
    Sandy: "We can do it the hard way or the easy way."
    Diana: "I'd like to pick the easy way."
    Sandy: "Get over here and give me your wrists."
    Diana: "Okay"
    Sandy: "Now I have a plan…"
    [Diana attacks Sandy]

    Sandy tracks down Diana again and tries to once and for all get her in his custody. She agrees at first but that was only a ploy to get Sandy close enough to strike him.

  5. 5
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    Big Chuck


    Diana: "Oh hey!"
    Sandy: "You're here five minutes and you've already found a friend, huh?"
    Big Chuck: "This must be Walter"
    Diana: "Walter!"
    Big Chuck: "Howdy there, I'm Big Chuck. I gotta tell you, this little Margie is quite a lady."
    Sandy: "Oh, Margie…"
    Big Chuck: "Sit your ass down, drinks are on me."
    Sandy: "No, no, I can't. I wish I could."
    Big Chuck: "Stu's going to set you up. Stu, let's get Walt a round."
    Sandy: "Never mind, Stu. Honey, gotta get you out of here."
    Diana: "Here's the thing: I don't want to go."
    Sandy: "But it's super late and we gotta get all the way to St. Louis tomorrow so…"
    Diana: "I think we got a good one."
    Sandy: "What is that?"
    Diana: "I think we got a good one. Look, I'm going to tell you what's going on. Walt likes to watch. Walt's a watcher."

    Sandy: "No"

    Diana has a great idea to get Sandy off her trail. She knows Sandy won't leave eye sight from her so she finds something that he definitely won't want to watch, her getting it on with a random bar man.

  6. 6
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    Why Don't We Swap Information

    Diana: "Ugh, my neck!"
    Sandy: "Neck hurts, huh? Why don't we swap information, Sandy Bigelow Patterson. Bigelow's such a rare name."
    Diana: "It's a family name. Jeremiah Bigelow was a pretty well known bear hunter."
    Sandy: "He sounds brave. Here's my driver's license with my name, Sandy Bigelow Patterson. Gotcha!"

    When Sandy rams his car into Diana's, Diana sees that as an opportunity to earn some quick cash by faking an injury. Too bad that man responsible for the crash is the person whose identity Diana stole.

  7. 7
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    What Are You?


    Sandy: "Come with me to Denver and I won't press charges. You're going to love it. There's no one shooting at you there."
    Diana: "You got nothing!"
    Sandy: [runs after Diana, easily passing her] "I can do this all day with you."
    Diana: "What are you, a Kenyan?"

    Diana tries to run away from Sandy but Sandy shows real quickly that he can not only keep up with her, but outrun her. It helps that she is winded after running 20 feet.

  8. 8
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    We Need Her More Than You Do


    Marisol: "We need her more than you do. Better luck next time, old man.

    As it turns out, Sandy is far from the only one looking for Diana. Marisol too is looking for her and is ready to be much more violent in her efforts than Sandy.

  9. 9
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    The Rental Car

    [Sandy runs Diana's van off the road causing it to roll]
    Sandy: "Oh, thank god, you're all right though, huh?"
    Diana: "Yeah, the rental car doesn't even have a scratch on it."
    Sandy: "Woo, that's great news. The car is fine. What's more important…"
    [Semi-truck smashes the rental car]
    Diana: "Oh, you should have put your hazards on."

    When Sandy runs Diana's van off the road causing it to roll, he feels bad. He's even more relieved that his rental car was not damaged, well it wasn't damaged until a truck came along and changed that.

  10. 10
    + 3
    - 3

    I'm in Colorado

    Sandy: [to his credit card company] "Exceeded the credit limit?! I used the card for coffee and gas. Florida?! Raytheon Water Sports? Never heard of it. I'm in Colorado. We don't have beaches, you know? We're landlocked."

    Sandy tries to explain to the customer service representative at his credit card company that those charges in Florida for water sports were not his. For this, a short geography lesson is necessary.

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