- 1+ 16- 0
Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama
"Democrats do have a historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty."
- 2+ 9- 0
The Flag Burning Amendment
"Even if the flag burning amendment does become law, the larger problem will remain of how to respectfully dispose of older, tattered flags. Well, fortunately the U.S. official Flag Code has a suggestion about this. Quote: 'The flag, when it is in such a condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem of display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning.' Owwwwcchh. In response, the House Republicans are calling for tattered flags to be kept alive via a feeding tube."
- 3+ 11- 1
Terrorism and Gay People
"That's what terrorism and gay people are for."
--In response to a clip of President Bush stating, "America needs to conduct this debate on immigration in a reasoned and respectful tone...We cannot build a unified country by inciting people to anger or playing on anyone's fears."
- 4+ 11- 2
Voting for a Winner
"The Oscars is really I guess the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party. And it's exciting for the stars as well because it's the first time many of you have ever voted for a winner."
--While hosting the Academy Awards
- 5+ 8- 1
Democracy in the Middle East
"Inspiring developments -- Democracy is on the march in the Middle East. Yesterday, hundreds of thousands of Palestinians hit the polls for the first time of parliamentary elections in ten years. Which democratically elected party walked away victorious? Oh, it's Hamas! Yes, Hamas the militant Islamic group that is very anti-American and calls for the destruction of Israel, and wants a theocracy in Palestine. Though, on the plus side, they have returned all the money given to them by Jack Abramoff."
- 6+ 8- 1
Thomas Jefferson or Hermann Goering?
"Thomas Jefferson once said: 'Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked and denounce the pacifists for somehow a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.' I think that was Jefferson. Oh wait. That was Hermann Goering. Shoot."
--While hosting the Peabody Awards
- 7+ 8- 1
A Woman Who Forgets Her Own Husband
"Julie Christie was absolutely amazing in 'Away From Her.' Brilliant movie. It was the moving story of a woman who forgets her own husband. Hillary Clinton calls it the feel good movie of the year."
- 8+ 7- 1
John Ashcroft Bid Farewell
"Attorney General John Ashcroft bid farewell to the Justice Department with a goodbye address. The voluntary resignation came as a bit of a disappointment to the attorney general, who had hoped to be raptured out of office."
- 9+ 7- 1
North Korean Missiles
"Last week North Korea publicly admitted for the first time it has nuclear weapons. The Bush administration has so far shown very little concern, as the North Korean missiles are believed only capable of reaching the Blue States."
- 10+ 6- 1
Peaceful Transfer of No Power
"This past weekend, the Democratic National Committee made it official -- electing former governor and one-time shoe-in Howard Dean as their new party chairman. As a doctor they're hoping he can reattach the ass handed to the Democrats in the past election. ... You know, there's something stirring about the peaceful transfer of no power."
- 11+ 5- 0
A Modern-Day, Beachfront Sodom and Gomorrah
"A lot of people say that this town is too liberal, out of touch with mainstream America, an atheistic pleasure dome, a modern-day, beachfront Sodom and Gomorrah, a moral black hole where innocence is obliterated in an endless orgy of sexual gratification and greed. I don't really have a joke here. I just thought you should know a lot of people are saying that."
--On Hollywood, California
- 12+ 6- 1
Determined Journalists Defying Obstacles
"Capote, of course, addressed very similar themes to Good Night and Good Luck. Both films are about determined journalists defying obstacles in a relentless pursuit of the truth. Needless to say, both are period pieces."
--At the Academy Awards
- 13+ 6- 2
We're Way Ahead of You
"We're way ahead of you."
--Responding to a quote from George Bush in which he said, "I have something else to ask you, to ask every American. I ask you to pray for this great nation."
- 14+ 6- 2
You Were Not Elected
"You were not elected."
--Clarifying a statement made by George Bush which stated, "I was not elected to serve one party."
- 15+ 5- 1
Margin of Error
[Clip of USAID Administrator Andrew Natsios: 'The American part of this will be $1.7 billion. We have no plans for any further funding on this. ... In terms of the American tax payer contributions this is it for the U.S.']
- 16+ 5- 1
Questions I Get Asked
"There are obviously certain questions that I get asked pretty often about the show: 'Do you guys all sit around a table and come up with jokes? Where do you get your ideas from? What's Rob Corddry really like?' The answers, by the way, are: no, weed, and 'a total d*ck.'"
- 17+ 4- 0
Dick Cheney Shot Bjork
"I do have some sad news to report. Bjork could not be here. She was trying on her Oscars dress and Dick Cheney shot her."
--At the Academy Awards
- 18+ 5- 2
The Official Halfway Point of the Bush Presidency
"Finally, the moment we've all been waiting for - the official halfway point of the Bush presidency."
- 19+ 4- 1
Christmas and the New Year
"Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.' I suppose you could say 'Merry Christmas' and 'Happy New Year,' but you probably have sh*t to do."
--Responding to Bill O'Reilly's objection to the greeting "Happy Holidays"
- 20+ 4- 1
Failure of Leadership
"This is inarguably a failure of leadership from the top of the federal government. Remember when Bill Clinton went out with Monica Lewinsky. That was inarguably a failure of judgment at the top. Democrats had to come out and risk losing credibility if they did not condemn Bill Clinton for his behavior. I believe Republicans are in the same position right now. And I will say this: Hurricane Katrina is George Bush's Monica Lewinsky. The only difference is that tens of thousands of people weren't stranded in Monica Lewinsky's vagina."
L The List