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1
Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama
"Democrats do have a historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty."
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2
Terrorism and Gay People
"That's what terrorism and gay people are for."
--In response to a clip of President Bush stating, "America needs to conduct this debate on immigration in a reasoned and respectful tone...We cannot build a unified country by inciting people to anger or playing on anyone's fears."
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3
A Modern-Day, Beachfront Sodom and Gomorrah
"A lot of people say that this town is too liberal, out of touch with mainstream America, an atheistic pleasure dome, a modern-day, beachfront Sodom and Gomorrah, a moral black hole where innocence is obliterated in an endless orgy of sexual gratification and greed. I don't really have a joke here. I just thought you should know a lot of people are saying that."
--On Hollywood, California
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4
The Official Halfway Point of the Bush Presidency
"Finally, the moment we've all been waiting for - the official halfway point of the Bush presidency."
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5
The Guys Who Signed Up for the National Guard
"6,000 guardsmen deployed to the border. The guard, of course, terribly strapped, with so many of its members deployed to Iraq. Boy, I don't know what gave the guys who signed up for the National Guard the impression you can just join it and not have to do any work."
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6
Enron vs War
"The trial of Enron chiefs Jeffrey Skilling and Ken Lay began four-and-a-half years after perpetrating -- allegedly -- the fraud that led to the second largest bankruptcy in American history. Why four-and-a-half years? Because apparently it's harder to bring Ken Lay to trial than it is to invade two countries."
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7
The Worst Thing to Happen to the Texas Oil Industry
"All in all, 16 Texas oil refineries remain shut down after the storms. Analysts say it's the worst thing to happen to the Texas oil industry since George W. Bush worked in it."
--On the devastation and aftermath from Hurricane Katrina and Hurricane Rita
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8
You Were Not Elected
"You were not elected."
--Clarifying a statement made by George Bush which stated, "I was not elected to serve one party."
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9
John Ashcroft Bid Farewell
"Attorney General John Ashcroft bid farewell to the Justice Department with a goodbye address. The voluntary resignation came as a bit of a disappointment to the attorney general, who had hoped to be raptured out of office."
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10
Always Start with a Joke
[Clip of President Bush addressing national guardsmen in Idaho]: "Nineteen individuals have served both as guardsmen and as president of the United States, and I'm proud to have been one."
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11
Voting for a Winner
"The Oscars is really I guess the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party. And it's exciting for the stars as well because it's the first time many of you have ever voted for a winner."
--While hosting the Academy Awards
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12
Mistaken for a Bird
"Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt ... making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird."
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13
We're Way Ahead of You
"We're way ahead of you."
--Responding to a quote from George Bush in which he said, "I have something else to ask you, to ask every American. I ask you to pray for this great nation."
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14
Iran or Iraq?
Although they do sound very similar. Are you sure you bombed the right one?"
--Responding to a clip of George Bush stating, "Iran is not Iraq."
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15
The Bush Version of the Pottery Barn Rule
"Bush finally got to the real reason for the trip -- give us money for Iraq. ... It's the Bush version of the Pottery Barn rule -- we broke it, you bought it."
-On Bush's European tour
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16
Christmas and the New Year
"Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.' I suppose you could say 'Merry Christmas' and 'Happy New Year,' but you probably have sh*t to do."
--Responding to Bill O'Reilly's objection to the greeting "Happy Holidays"
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17
Reward Money To Go After Bin Laden
"You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden."
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18
Contentious But Futile Protest Vote by Democrats
"Condoleezza Rice was confirmed by a vote of 85, 13, despite a contentious but f*tile protest vote by Democrats. By the way, for a fun second term drinking game, chug a beer every time you hear the phrase 'contentious but f*tile protest vote by Democrats.' By the time Jeb Bush is elected, you'll be so wasted you won't even notice the war in Syria."
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19
The Flag Burning Amendment
"Even if the flag burning amendment does become law, the larger problem will remain of how to respectfully dispose of older, tattered flags. Well, fortunately the U.S. official Flag Code has a suggestion about this. Quote: 'The flag, when it is in such a condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem of display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning.' Owwwwcchh. In response, the House Republicans are calling for tattered flags to be kept alive via a feeding tube."
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20
In a Field Of Poppies with Lance Armstrong
"He keeps saying 'sacrifice' and the 'war on terror,' and you turn around and he's in a field of poppies with Lance Armstrong."
--On President Bush's vacation
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21
Democracy in the Middle East
"Inspiring developments -- Democracy is on the march in the Middle East. Yesterday, hundreds of thousands of Palestinians hit the polls for the first time of parliamentary elections in ten years. Which democratically elected party walked away victorious? Oh, it's Hamas! Yes, Hamas the militant Islamic group that is very anti-American and calls for the destruction of Israel, and wants a theocracy in Palestine. Though, on the plus side, they have returned all the money given to them by Jack Abramoff."
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22
A Woman Who Forgets Her Own Husband
"Julie Christie was absolutely amazing in 'Away From Her.' Brilliant movie. It was the moving story of a woman who forgets her own husband. Hillary Clinton calls it the feel good movie of the year."
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23
More Maytag Repairman-y
"Last week, CIA head Porter Goss said, 'The jobs I'm being asked to do... are too much for this mortal. I'm a little amazed at the workload.' He continued, 'I guess I always thought the job of overseeing American intelligence would be more Maytag Repairman-y.'"
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24
Arabian Bush Appointees
"Michael Brown, the director of FEMA, was nominated by President Bush in 2003 and plans to start the job any day now. ... Prior to heading FEMA, Brown spent the 90's as a commissioner -- this is true -- of the International Arabian Horse Association. I guess he stands out because most Bush appointees are beholden to Arabian people."
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25
Still Funny, But, Now a Little Sad
"Mr. Whittington is doing fine, but based on this development, we're going to downgrade the condition of this story from 'Incredibly Hilarious' to 'Still funny, but, mmm, now a little sad.'"
--On the heart attack Harry Whittington suffered
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26
Good Advice?
"Ohhh good advice? What did you learned from your European partners."
--Responding to a clip in which George Bush spoke of the diplomatic progress he was making with Europe. Bush said, 'When we talk about Iran that's a place that I am getting good advice from European partners.'
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27
Cost of the War in Iraq
"President Bush asked Congress yesterday for an additional $82 billion in emergency spending for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. If granted, it would put the cost of the war in Iraq at about $200 billion, which I believe is around exactly what they told us the war would cost when they started the war two years ago."
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28
President Bush's Approval Rating
"President Bush's approval ratings have taken somewhat of a dive. A senior slump, if you will. Leading President Bush to one conclusion: He is the only one who realizes what a great job he's being doing."
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29
49 Percent of the Country
"At which point 49 percent of the country also solemnly swore..."
--Responding to President Bush taking his oath and stating, "I George Walker Bush do solemnly swear..."
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30
Failure of Leadership
"This is inarguably a failure of leadership from the top of the federal government. Remember when Bill Clinton went out with Monica Lewinsky. That was inarguably a failure of judgment at the top. Democrats had to come out and risk losing credibility if they did not condemn Bill Clinton for his behavior. I believe Republicans are in the same position right now. And I will say this: Hurricane Katrina is George Bush's Monica Lewinsky. The only difference is that tens of thousands of people weren't stranded in Monica Lewinsky's vagina."
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31
Peaceful Transfer of No Power
"This past weekend, the Democratic National Committee made it official -- electing former governor and one-time shoe-in Howard Dean as their new party chairman. As a doctor they're hoping he can reattach the ass handed to the Democrats in the past election. ... You know, there's something stirring about the peaceful transfer of no power."
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32
Thomas Jefferson or Hermann Goering?
"Thomas Jefferson once said: 'Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked and denounce the pacifists for somehow a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.' I think that was Jefferson. Oh wait. That was Hermann Goering. Shoot."
--While hosting the Peabody Awards
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33
Roid Rage
"What happened was -- and, again, this is something I haven't shared with anybody. I should explain myself. I'm on steroids, and one of the side effects is called roid rage. The side effects have been awful. I have terrible back acne, shriveled genitalia. What I didn't realize is when you take steroids, you're supposed to work out. I've just been taking them. So it's causing that kind of anger. I remember going on the 'Crossfire' set and saying hello to the host, and then waking up naked with my ass cheeks taped together on Connecticut Avenue. So I don't really know what happened."
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34
Dick Cheney Shot Bjork
"I do have some sad news to report. Bjork could not be here. She was trying on her Oscars dress and Dick Cheney shot her."
--At the Academy Awards
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35
Determined Journalists Defying Obstacles
"Capote, of course, addressed very similar themes to Good Night and Good Luck. Both films are about determined journalists defying obstacles in a relentless pursuit of the truth. Needless to say, both are period pieces."
--At the Academy Awards
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36
Margin of Error
[Clip of USAID Administrator Andrew Natsios: 'The American part of this will be $1.7 billion. We have no plans for any further funding on this. ... In terms of the American tax payer contributions this is it for the U.S.']
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37
Democracy in Hollywood
"Do you think that if we all got together and pulled this down, democracy would flourish in Hollywood?"
--On the giant Oscar statue in the Kodak Theater, likening it to the statue of Saddam Hussein pulled down after the fall of Baghdad in 2003
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38
North Korean Missiles
"Last week North Korea publicly admitted for the first time it has nuclear weapons. The Bush administration has so far shown very little concern, as the North Korean missiles are believed only capable of reaching the Blue States."
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39
Hunting with the Vice President
"Moms and dads, if you're watching right now, I can't emphasize this enough: don't let your kids go hunting with the vice president. I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're trying to land or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted -- he'll shoot them in the face."
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40
Oscar is 80 This Year
"Oscar is 80 this year, which makes him now automatically the frontrunner for the Republican nomination."
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41
Questions I Get Asked
"There are obviously certain questions that I get asked pretty often about the show: 'Do you guys all sit around a table and come up with jokes? Where do you get your ideas from? What's Rob Corddry really like?' The answers, by the way, are: no, weed, and 'a total d*ck.'"
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