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- 1+ 14- 3
Mind of a Scientist
I've been blessed with many things in this life: an arm like a damn rocket, a cock like a burmese python, and the mind of a f**king scientist.
- 2+ 7- 1
Get the Teaching On
Hello. School, can you hear me? Good morning, students, teachers, faculty members, lunch ladies, janitors. This is Kenny Powers, professional baseball player, and I got something I wanna say. A lot of you m**********rs think you know who Kenny Powers is. Well, I'm here today to tell y'all you don't know s**t. There comes a time in every man's life when he's got to take a look at himself in a mirror and decide just exactly who he is. Well, I've come to that crossroads and I've decided. Kenny Powers is a man. Kenny Powers is an athlete. Kenny Powers is a lover. But the most he is, I mean, the thing that Kenny Powers is the most, is a goddamn champion. And the one thing a champion does not do is f**king quit. A true champion faces his enemies and he conquers them. And that is why I'm here today to tell you all that Kenny Powers is officially accepting the position of PE Coach here at Jefferson Davis Middle School. That is, until the majors call me back up. So, let's get the teaching on!
- 3+ 8- 2
I recognize your scent. Do you recognize my essence? Yeah? Yeah, that feels familiar? I think I'm going to need to change my pants. I'm just playing, I didn't come in my pants.
- 4+ 8- 2
Paid for Sex
A lot of people ask me, 'Kenny Powers, you're a giant star. You can get any woman. Have you ever paid for sex?' And the answer is yes, I have. And it's actually kinda cool. You can negotiate practically anything and sometimes, even just kind of do stuff in the moment that you never agreed to pay for and it goes by without much argument.
- 5+ 8- 2
Cashing In on Celebrity
The humongous part about being a celebrity is cashing in on it-- making s**tloads of money, having expensive, luxurious things. That way, in case one day you're not famous, you can still be rich as hell and better than everyone around you.
- 6+ 8- 2
Losing and Cancer
If there's one thing I hate it's losing. If there's two things I hate it it's losing and getting cancer.
- 7+ 9- 3
I've had a lot of memories and sometimes I have to dump the small ones to make room for the bigger ones. But sometimes, when you try to dump the smaller ones, you think they're gone but they're not. They're sitting there, waiting to pick up exactly where they left off. No matter if there are new memories standing in their way or not.
- 8+ 10- 4
I Love Women
People say Kenny Powers is a woman hater. That's not true. I love women. Every f**king one of them, even the ugly as s**t ones. But don't ask me to trust 'em. Not even nuns, because every pair of t**s comes with a gaping hole of need that even Kenny Powers can't fill.