Kim Jong-il Owns Some Cool S*#t!

We expect world leaders to have armored CARS. Homeboy has (multiple) armored TRAINS. He has a collection of 6 private well-furnished trains, 2 of which are decoys -- 3-train Monty!

Kim's trains are equipped with conference rooms, an audience chamber and bedrooms, along with a necessary pair of Mercedes-Benzes on standby (cause you never know).

Due to his fear of flying, Dear Father uses the private trains to travel abroad and makes stops at military bases, factories and farms for internal inspection missions.

During his travel there are two trains that act as decoys. The proceeding train takes off to make sure that the tracks are safe and if anything goes wrong his dummy train takes the bait. The second train carries little Kim and his gangsters while the third train follows along for security purposes... wait... did this article just blow his cover?...

Of course, he also has satellite phone connections and flat-screen TVs so that he can be briefed and issue orders, or just enjoy the latest season of Desperate Housewives. Even Kanye doesn't roll like this powerful "Communist" leader, but more on that later...

The Jonger ain’t a gangsta if he’s got no hoes, so he travels with broads and fancies them up with fine dining and hard liquor (see below) every time he goes out.

North Korea's Supreme Leader is very self conscious about his height. Not only does he spike up his hair to compensate for his short stature, but he also owns some pretty snazzy 5-inch platform shoes, a-la Bart Simpson from that one episode where he's trying to grow an inch overnight.

Kim Jong Il says screw his starving country, he needs to get a little respect around here and he can't do that with everyone looking down at him, now can he?

Besides, Gene Simmons wears 'em in public regularly, and nobody questions his manhood.

Lifestyles of the Rich and Tyrannous!

Dude's got 17 different palaces, some of which have underground tunnels leading to other homes or offices. From his office located in Central District in Pyounhyang to his vacation home in the Potae Rodongja District, he’s got a pad for every occasion.

If he wants to hunt guillemots and Jet Ski during the winter, he will be visiting his Wonsan Chalet. For late night parties with the officials, he resides in his official home in Pyounhyang where the second floor is fully equipped with entertainment.

And of course, almost every person knows that when you’re doing something risky, like, say… building a nuclear bomb, you should have a backup plan in case something decides to backfire. Or if you happen to be insanely paranoid that another country will nuke you.

With the Youngsung 21 Complex, complete with iron rods and concrete covered with lead to protect the headquarter, Kim is sure to be safe - so please, nobody worry about him .

When Dear Leader isn’t busy shopping for a new castle or posing nuclear threats to The World, he is comfortably kicking back in one of his home theaters watching a movie from his massive collection of 20,000 DVDs.

Since there is a time lag for word coming out of North Korea, our sources have not yet confirmed whether the il-Father has upgraded the collection to Blu-Ray. We're pretty sure he stays out of the torrent scene, though.

He's actually considered to be a bit of a movie buff. In fact, he’s incapable of sitting in front of his TV screen without being able to interfere with the production in some way shape or form. We're not exactly sure how this works in practice.

According to sources, he revolutionized Korean Fine Arts by integrating history, political ideology, and movie-making into the art of film and cinema, all while ensuring North Korea's national security, spending time with his family, and partying with his officials. Sounds like the man could teach Steve Jobs a thing or two about multitasking!

He also has a collection of "James Bond" movies, and "Friday The 13th" series. Loves "The Godfather" and collects all of Elizabeth Taylor's movies (did we mention he also wears high heels? Yeah...).

With every single Oscar-winning movie within reach, I would love to see the Kimster make a Top 100 Films on Ranker. Mr. Jong-il, Add a link from the list to your blog or MySpace! You've declared yourself an "internet expert" ( http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,299757,00.html ), so we're sure you are savvy to the value of a backlink on Ranker.

In the early 1990s, trade figures leaked to the media revealed that Kim was the largest single consumer of Hennessy cognac, importing more than $650,000 worth of top-of-the-line stock per year for his private collection.

Yes, a love for top-shelf cognac is another thing KJi has in common with the rap community.

This particular liquor sells for $650 in Korea. However, the average Korean worker earns about $900 a year. So... yeah...

So what’s a little guy like Kim doing with so much Hennessy? A man who consumes that much liquor in a year probably won't live to see his son’s next attempted escape to Disneyland, let alone his next liver biopsy. If all this is just going to him and his bitches, we're talking about a Keith Richards-level constitution. The man's a roller, no question.