Theory 1: Trump Orchestrated the Robbery to Distract America from His Taxes
We're through the looking glass here people, so put on your tinfoil hats and prepare to get #WOKE. What if, and we're not saying this is what happened, Donald Trump, or Russia, or someone sent those thieves to hold Kim K. at gunpoint so the news cycle would be reset from Trump's disastrous week after the debate?
Haven't quite talked myself out of the possibility that #Trump sent people to Paris to rob Kim Kardashian in order to distract Americans....— Jeff Scheid (@scheidja) October 3, 2016
Theory 2: It's All a Big Publicity Stunt
There are publicity stunts, and then there are publicity stunts. What if Kim, or the people at E!, or a mix of various parties conspired to put Kimmy K. through an incredibly traumatic experience in order to boost ratings? You know you'd watch the Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Robbed in Paris Christmas Special Extravaganza.
Theory 3: It Was a $10 Million Insurance Scam
We feel weird when we have more than $50 in cash on us at any given time, so traveling to another country with $10 MILLION in jewelry sounds f*cking insane. Kanye gave Kim one of the rocks she was wearing LAST MONTH, and he was complaining about being broke last year. Did Kimye decide fashion week was as good a time as any to commit an international crime? Could the family allegedly have robbed themselves to collect on insurance money?
Theory 4: Kanye Really Wanted Out of That Show at the Meadows
Before we knew that Kim Kardashian had been robbed in Paris, the only piece of news we had about it was that Kanye walked off stage during his set at the inaugural The Meadows Music & Arts Festival in Queens due to a "family emergency." Maybe he just didn't want to play "Gold Digger" for the ten thousandth time.
Theory 5: The Kardashians Were Sending a Message to Kim
This is kind of crazy, but what if the rest of the Kardashian clan were annoyed with Kim's success, or her marriage to an (at best) unhinged rapper who refers to himself as a god, or they were jealous of her money, or whatever, and allegedly hired some thugs to rough up their young matriarch to send a message? We don't know what that message would be, but they probably could have handled it with a phone call.
Theory 6: Someone at Her Rental Property Set Her Up
In most cases, people that work in the service industry are decent, rad people who are just clocking in and out, but what if someone working at the mansion Kim was maxxing and relaxing at in France was actually a criminal mastermind who knew some pipe hitting Parisian gang bangers? How hard would it be to call up your crew, shut down the lax security and make yourself $10 million richer? Honestly though, if this is what happened, we'd probably have heard about it by now.
Theory 7: Did Kanye Do It?
Kanye loves his wife. Or at least he says he does. What if Kanye is still as broke as a joke and figured that he didn't mind some goons roughing Kim up a bit? It's not a pretty thought, and we hope it's not true (it's probably not!), but if you don't think that Interpol is at least looking into the idea that Kanye had something to do with this, then we'd like some of your naivety pills please!
Theory 8: It Was All a Dream
None of this is actually happening. Kim Kardashian is fine. She doesn't even exist. Who is Kanye West and what is Paris? What is jewelry and how do you wear it? The entire robbery was nothing but a bout of mass hysteria that will all be over soon. It was probably something we ate. Whatever eating is.
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