- 1+ 18- 4
We Need Someone to Watch the Kidsv
Diane: "Artie, come get the phone. What are you doing?"
Artie: "I can't hear you. The phone's ringing." [to phone] "Hello"
Alice: "Hi dad"
Artie: "Oh, Alice, hello"
Alice: "Hey is mom around?"
Artie: "Yeah, I'll go get her… Your daughter"
Diane: "Put her on speaker phone"
Artie: "I got it"
Diane: "Oh my, put her on hold."
Artie: "I know, I'm trying."
Diane: "Put her on hold."
Artie: "I'm gonna start a fire here."
Diane: "Hi Alice, what's going in?"
Alice: "Well, now that you ask, Phil has to go away next week and I'd really like to go with him and we need someone to watch the kids and I was wondering, would you want to?"
Artie: [mouths 'No! No!']
Diane: "We'd love to! Listen, I'm cooking dinner. I'll call you back in a little bit for the details."
Alice: "She said yes!"
Artie: "You said yes!"
Diane: "Artie, we practically never see our grandchildren. We've never seen their new house."
Artie: "I'm not going."
Diane: "You're going."
Artie: "That's what I meant."
When Alice calls to ask her parents, Artie and Diane, if they can lend a hand, initially Artie is not interested. Diane however is elated to offer help on behalf of both of them and Artie quickly follows suit, or at least does not disagree with Diane.
- 2+ 16- 7
Diane: "Now, do you have any special instructions for us like what the kids like to do, what they like to eat?"
Alice: "Yes, mom, great, thank you. First of all, they don't eat any sugar."
Artie: "No Carvel? That's the saddest thing I've ever heard in my life."
Phil: "We tried to introduce just a little bit of sugar and it was like going off the rails of the crazy train. Oh my gosh!"
Alice: "And there's another subject I'd like to discuss."
Artie: "Sure, anything"
Alice: "Your language"
Diane: "Oh, he won't curse. I'll break his freakin' arm."
Alice: "That's great but that's not what we meant. There's a certain way we talk to our kids. For instance, where you would say, 'no' we would say, 'consider the consequences' or where you would say, 'don't' we would say, 'maybe you should try this.' See that way the child sees that he has value, he has worth, he's heard."
Artie: "It's a way.
Over dinner, Alice lays out her approach to parenting, which includes no sugar for the kids and making them feel valued with certain language choices. While it's not quite Artie's way, he will agree that it is a way.
- 3+ 10- 2
They're Very Funnyv
Harper: "Why them?"
Alice: "Because they're your grandparents and they love you."
Turner: "Do we have to wear these?"
Alice: "Well, grandma made them and she thinks you like them."
Harper: "Why would she think that?"
Alice: "You know, they're very funny. Grandpa tells lots of jokes, that you won't get. So, just laugh, just laugh. I promise you, you'll get through this week."
[Artie and Diane arrive]
Artie: "This is a McStadium."
Diane: "Oh my goodness, they're wearing their shirts."
Alice: "I told you, they love their shirts."
Diane: "Give me a kiss. I'm so excited!"
Barker: "Are those for us?"
Diane: "Those are definitely for you."
Artie: "Yep, one for each of you. There you go and for you."
Turner: "Super squirters, awesome!"
Alice: "Oh, you bought them guns. Awe dad, we don't, we don't really, we don't do guns."
Artie: "Since we're all going to be pals now, instead of calling me grandpa, why don't you call me Artie."
Barker: "Can I call you Fartie?"
Phil: "Let's go inside. You guys all have to change cause we're going out for dinner. Come on."
Diane: "Get the bags, Fartie."
Things are a little tense for all involved when Artie and Diane arrive for their visit. First it's the kids upset that they have to wear lame shirts then Alice gets her own stress when she finds out what fun toy her folks brought.
- 4+ 13- 5
You Always Take His Sidev
Alice: "My father doesn't listen!"
Diane: "How is this Artie's fault?"
Alice: "You always take his side."
Diane: "And for good reason, because after your kids grow up, your husband is the one who stays."
While Alice is upset that Diane always sides with Artie, Diane too has a point. When the kids grow up and move out, the parents are only left with each other.
- 5+ 9- 4
Umpire: "Batter up!"
Artie: "Oh, this is that bully kid."
Artie: "I would so like to see Turner strike him out."
Artie: "Strike one! He is really good. He is really good! Way to go, Turner! Swing and a miss, strike two! Here's the pitch. Strike three! You're out of there! Woo hoo hoo hoo hoo! Turner, way to look! Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, blue! Blue, that's three strikes, one, two, three, you're out of there!"
Alice: "It's okay. That's my dad and he's new here."
Umpire: "Oh okay, there are no outs in this game."
Artie: "No outs? How is that possible?"
Umpire: "They hit until they get on base."
Artie: "Let me ask you something. How do you even know who's winning?"
Umpire: "In this league we don't keep score. Every game ends in a tie."
Fan: "The old guy's right, this is boring."
Artie: "You were out!"
Ivan: "No, I'm not!"
Artie: "Oh yea, Turner, you struck him out."
Turner: "No, I didn't."
Artie: "Yes, you did. You're out."
Ivan: "No, I'm not."
Artie: "You're out!"
Ivan: "No, I'm not."
Artie: "Three strikes, you're out!"
Ivan: "You're out!"
Artie: "Well, it's not boring anymore."
Looking for vengeance for Turner against a school bully, Ivan, Artie is excited when Turner strikes Ivan out on consecutive pitches. That excitement however turns into anger when he learns that there are no outs (or losses even) in this league.
- 6+ 5- 2
Artie: "All right, now here's the deal. Now, little pieces and you don't tell mommy about the movie and I don't tell her about the cake… You guys okay? I will be right back."
Harper: "What a great day! It was like a birthday that came early."
Diane: "Hi Artie, we're back. Did you have fun with the boys?"
Turner and Barker: [covered in cake] "Rawr!"
Diane: "Look at this place! We're going to have to call FEMA."
Diane: "Where's Artie?"
Turner: "He left."
Diane: "He left?! If your mother sees this…"
Alice: "what is going on?"
Artie: "Hi, what did you do?"
Diane: "I… I just got here."
Alice: "You gave them cake?"
Artie: "I gave them slivers.
Alice: "This perfectly sums up your entire approach to parenting."
Diane: "We have an approach?"
Artie: "I don't know."
For normal kids who gets cake all the time, being left alone with a huge cake might not lead to disaster but when kids who never get sugar are left with one, all hell breaks loose.
- 7+ 3- 1
Diane: "Wonderful! Bravo! Oh wow, Harper, that was wonderful!"
Harper: "I stunk."
Diane: "You most certainly did not." [to Dr. Schveer] "Wasn't she wonderful?"
Dr. Schveer: "No, this will not be good enough for your audition! You must practice more! Practice!"
Diane: "Gee wiz, wasn't she the villain in the last James Bond movie? Awe, sweetie, don't listen to her. Perhaps you could relax, you could go out with your friends, you could have some fun one Friday night."
Harper: "I have three more days! I have to practice! I have to practice every second!"
Diane: "Dr. Schveer, if you ever speak to my granddaughter like that ever again, there will be nothing left of you but some red hair and an accent. Is that clear, comrade? Dasvidaniya!"
Diane isn't having any of the attitude, or from a non-related standpoint, critical instruction, that violin teacher Dr. Schveer is giving Harper and wastes no time letting her know that.
- 8+ 1- 1
Artie: "Oh, it's Project Runway. Take off those shoes and I'll give you a dollar."
Sometimes parenting, or grandparenting in this case, is about making compromises. For Artie and Barker, this means compromising that for $2.50 Barker will take off his mother's high heels.
- 9+ 1- 1
What About Me?