In "Parental Guidance," Alice (Marisa Tomei), a wife and mother of three, asks her parents, Artie and Diane (Billy Crystal and Bette Midler, respectively), to fly in to watch the kids so she can enjoy some time away with her husband, Phil (Tom Everett Scott), who is leaving on business. While Artie is less than enthused, Diane agrees excitedly. Accordingly, the couple jets off to visit their daughter, son-in-law and three grandkids.
So what are the funniest quotes from Parental Guidance? You can find them all here on this list.
But when Artie and Diane arrive, things don't start as smoothly as everyone would like, partly because the parenting style of Phil and Alice, one of a helicopter parent, is vastly different from that of the old-fashioned ways used by Artie and Diane. As both sides try to cope with each other, while trying to deal with the three kids, hilarity follows.
If you've had enough of your own family this holiday season and not interested in seeing someone else's at the theater, there's plenty else showing including "Django Unchained," "Killing Them Softly," "Hitchcock," "Skyfall," "Lincoln," "Flight," "Playing for Keeps," "Silver Linings Playbook," "Anna Karenina," "This Must Be the Place," "Cloud Atlas," "Wreck-It Ralph," "Nobody Walks," "The Sessions," "Red Dawn," "Chasing Mavericks," "Rise of the Guardians," "Argo," and "Looper."
We Need Someone to Watch the Kids
Diane: "Artie, come get the phone. What are you doing?"
Artie: "I can't hear you. The phone's ringing." [to phone] "Hello"
Alice: "Hi dad"
Artie: "Oh, Alice, hello"
Alice: "Hey is mom around?"
Artie: "Yeah, I'll go get her… Your daughter"
Diane: "Put her on speaker phone"
Artie: "I got it"
Diane: "Oh my, put her on hold."
Artie: "I know, I'm trying."
Diane: "Put her on hold."
Artie: "I'm gonna start a fire here."
Diane: "Hi Alice, what's going in?"
Alice: "Well, now that you ask, Phil has to go away next week and I'd really like to go with him and we need someone to watch the kids and I was wondering, would you want to?"
Artie: [mouths 'No! No!']
Diane: "We'd love to! Listen, I'm cooking dinner. I'll call you back in a little bit for the details."
Alice: "She said yes!"
Artie: "You said yes!"
Diane: "Artie, we practically never see our grandchildren. We've never seen their new house."
Artie: "I'm not going."
Diane: "You're going."
Artie: "That's what I meant."
Diane: "Now, do you have any special instructions for us like what the kids like to do, what they like to eat?"
Alice: "Yes, mom, great, thank you. First of all, they don't eat any sugar."
Artie: "No Carvel? That's the saddest thing I've ever heard in my life."
Phil: "We tried to introduce just a little bit of sugar and it was like going off the rails of the crazy train. Oh my gosh!"
Alice: "And there's another subject I'd like to discuss."
Artie: "Sure, anything"
Alice: "Your language"
Diane: "Oh, he won't curse. I'll break his freakin' arm."
Alice: "That's great but that's not what we meant. There's a certain way we talk to our kids. For instance, where you would say, 'no' we would say, 'consider the consequences' or where you would say, 'don't' we would say, 'maybe you should try this.' See that way the child sees that he has value, he has worth, he's heard."
Artie: "It's a way.
They're Very Funny
Harper: "Why them?"
Alice: "Because they're your grandparents and they love you."
Turner: "Do we have to wear these?"
Alice: "Well, grandma made them and she thinks you like them."
Harper: "Why would she think that?"
Alice: "You know, they're very funny. Grandpa tells lots of jokes, that you won't get. So, just laugh, just laugh. I promise you, you'll get through this week."
[Artie and Diane arrive]
Artie: "This is a McStadium."
Diane: "Oh my goodness, they're wearing their shirts."
Alice: "I told you, they love their shirts."
Diane: "Give me a kiss. I'm so excited!"
Barker: "Are those for us?"
Diane: "Those are definitely for you."
Artie: "Yep, one for each of you. There you go and for you."
Turner: "Super squirters, awesome!"
Alice: "Oh, you bought them guns. Awe dad, we don't, we don't really, we don't do guns."
Artie: "Since we're all going to be pals now, instead of calling me grandpa, why don't you call me Artie."
Barker: "Can I call you Fartie?"
Phil: "Let's go inside. You guys all have to change cause we're going out for dinner. Come on."
Diane: "Get the bags, Fartie."
Umpire: "Batter up!"
Artie: "Oh, this is that bully kid."
Artie: "I would so like to see Turner strike him out."
Artie: "Strike one! He is really good. He is really good! Way to go, Turner! Swing and a miss, strike two! Here's the pitch. Strike three! You're out of there! Woo hoo hoo hoo hoo! Turner, way to look! Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, blue! Blue, that's three strikes, one, two, three, you're out of there!"
Alice: "It's okay. That's my dad and he's new here."
Umpire: "Oh okay, there are no outs in this game."
Artie: "No outs? How is that possible?"
Umpire: "They hit until they get on base."
Artie: "Let me ask you something. How do you even know who's winning?"
Umpire: "In this league we don't keep score. Every game ends in a tie."
Fan: "The old guy's right, this is boring."
Artie: "You were out!"
Ivan: "No, I'm not!"
Artie: "Oh yea, Turner, you struck him out."
Turner: "No, I didn't."
Artie: "Yes, you did. You're out."
Ivan: "No, I'm not."
Artie: "You're out!"
Ivan: "No, I'm not."
Artie: "Three strikes, you're out!"
Ivan: "You're out!"
Artie: "Well, it's not boring anymore."