For those of us who slave under the REAL Lumberg, "Office Space" was more than a comedy - it was a documentary. About us. All of us. The lone drones who run the reports. Who count the staples. Who bring the coffee. I believe the only normal people in the building are the janitor and the temp. We all work hard for a living, so why not read about ourselves? You might want to speed-read – I just saw our boss get up.
God Bless the office Tool. At least he keeps things entertaining. The Tool has an interesting method for avoiding work and usually has an opinion on and is an expert on EVERYTHING. He's the armchair general who knows everything but has seen/done absolutely nothing.
8AM: Arrive at work on time and take forever to get situated. Maybe go grab some coffee and a muffin in the break room.
830AM: Answer emails and listen to voicemails.
10AM: Take a break.
11AM: Start the rounds, carrying his coffee cup and asking how everyone is doing. Maybe he’ll sit in on a conference but won't pay attention.
12NOON: Go to lunch.
1PM: Return whatever emails he missed.
2PM: He’ll perch on whatever chair happens to be empty and entertain the hapless employee with tales of his weekend exploits. Odds are, he’s carrying a pen or piece of paper so that he looks busy. All the while he'll maintain a facade of being SO stressed and tired from his day. Whatever.
3PM: Takes his second break.
4PM: He returns more emails and listens to the voicemails that accumulated in his absence.
4:45PM: He’ll return those calls, knowing those people have already left for the day.
5PM: Clock out, having successfully managed to accomplish absolutely nothing at all.
This gem is annoying because they disrupt the natural flow in an office. Even the chaos is organized but when you throw a tramp into the middle of it, people get distracted. It’s especially annoying if she’s sleeping with the boss, because then everyone gets to absorb her workload and watch her get the pay raise.
"Tee hee, tee hee…aren’t I cute?" Man, nothing would give you greater pleasure than punching her in the face.
And (from personal experience) it’s rather disgusting to have to eat a conference lunch on the very table you know for a fact was just baptized with his and her fluids not 30 minutes before. All together now: ewwww
"Hey there, Lori, you look kinda stressed. You alright?"
"No, no, no! I’m not alright. I have two reports to finish and all these calls to make and emails to return. I hate this, I just hate this." (muttering continues)
"Well, I have some free time. Why don’t I make the calls or finish the reports for you?"
"No! No! No, I can do this. This is MY job and I’m going to do it. I’ll have to skip lunch but I guess no one cares about me."
"Well, I did just offer to help. Why don’t we –"
"No! Don’t touch that! I’ll do it. No one can possibly do this and I’ll just skip lunch and work late tonight. It’s not like I have a life…no, no…I just LOVE working here. Why do they do this to me…"
And it goes on and on. Even if you offer to assist this person with their secretly enjoyable workload, they will manage to pull a frown, sigh, thank you for offering but decline your offer. After all, their work is their cross and they must bear it. No one else could possibly handle the load nor figure out how to use an Excel spreadsheet. This person wears their stress and exhaustion as a badge of honor. While the true hard-working individuals are making an attempt to look cheerful in the morning, the martyr will slump in and attempt to make everyone else feel guilty for not being as exhausted or overworked as they are. While everyone appreciates the martyr, they’d be even more willing to absorb the workload and put the martyr in their crypt where they belong.
The Fitness Freak
"Whatcha got there?"
YOU: "Chicken bowl from Taco Bell and a Mountain Dew."
"Oh. Wow. Well, uh, you sure you want to eat that?"
YOU: "Yes. It cost $5 and will taste a lot better then that bag of sawdust you're snorting."
Fitness freaks are annoying because the tend to flock together and exclude everyone else.
Carrying an extra 15-30? You can't join their club because their stock will go down if anyone sees then talking to you. It's a freaking competition to see who can eat the least, weight the least and exercise the most.
Fitness freaks either pity you or are disgusted by you. But you know what? While they're busy drumming up ways to make your job even more unbearable - because they're usually a bunch of managers - there are forms of revenge.
"Good Morning, Ms. Trampoline. I brought you a coffee. What's that? Is it soy, non-fat, non-caffeine with a twist of artificial sweetener? Why suuuuuure it is."
You work over 8 hours a day in that hell hole. You're entitled to your goddamn grease and calorie infested lunch break.
Oh, Jesus Tapdancing Christ. The symbiotic twins. The french-kissing felons. The two people who make you want to vomit up your bagel and latte.
Most offices have a strict no-date policy. At the very least, HR demands disclosure of the relationship. Personally I think it's so they can monitor the IM'S and emails flying between you too. The IT boys have the best job in the world.
How many of us have had to put up with the BS that comes with an office romance? I'm all for vibes between PC's but when the team has to pick up the slack (long lunches) and extra projects (long breaks) and extra hours (calling out on the same days) it ceases to be warm and fuzzy.
By the time the relationship between the suits has gone dry, so has it between their respective teams.
The Dream Team
"Hey Buddy, good job closing that deal! Lunch on me? All RIGHT!!"
With equal parts testosterone and bulls**t coming out of every orifice, these walking hams can be heard all the way across the building.
Half the day is spent playing golf, buying lunches and doing shots - all in the name of making some green for the company. We hate these men not only because they are loud, cheesy and, at times, perverted. But because they get paid to do NOTHING.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm flying to (checking crackberry) Vegas next week. Taking a client out to dinner and maybe go contribute the college fund *wink wink*. Oh, hey I gotta take this. WHAT'S UP BUDDY?!"
"Hey, sugar, you're looking awful cute this morning. That a new outfit? You're WORKIN' it!!"
"Hey, slim, you ready for lunch? Where we going? Nah, let's go somewhere else, someplace I can get a steak and a lapdance."
"High five! Gimme five! Let's see that bonus check!"
It's almost impossible to have a real conversation with them and if you do manage to calm them down, you'll be greeted with a blank stare and vacant grin.
Just let him go.
The Drama Queen
This person is especially annoying because we’ve all got our own lives. We all have our own thing going on and our own personal stress. Some of us come to work to get away from our stress and appreciate it when others leave their issues at home.
Wandering over to a neighbors’ cubicle and giving the entire office a blow-by-blow account of your latest argument with your children or your husband or your family doesn’t garner you sympathy or votes for employee of the year. No one cares. We all just want to do our jobs and go home.
Cornering someone in the elevator, pretending to ask about their weekend or even asking "how are you?" just so you can unload yourself onto them is absolutely unforgivable. Do everyone a favor and focus on something other than yourself.
**Helpful Hint: When the Drama Queen corners you and asks how you are doing, respond with "Fine, thank you" and leave it at that. Even if she follows it up with "That’s nice, I wish I could say the same," stay silent.
Silence isn’t rude – it’s neutral. No one is paying you to be her therapist.