Scary Movie 5 Movie Quotes

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"Scary Movie 5" movie quotes follow the laughs in the fifth edition of the horror film parody series. Directed by Malcolm D. Lee and written by David Zucker, "Scary Movie 5, which features an ensemble cast different from the previous films in the series, was released in theaters in the United States on April 12, 2013.

In "Scary Movie 5," married couple Dan (Simon Rex) and Jody (Ashley Tisdale) bring home their newborn baby, Aiden, from the hospital with joy but soon their home situation turns to scary when strange things start happening. To help them determine the cause, they, along with friend Kendra (Erica Ash), enlist a number of so-called experts, like a "professional psychic" (Katt Williams) who instead of excising the demons, rather steals their valuables, and a dream extractor, spoofing on the film "Inception," who has an equipment malfunction that leads to some gross results.

Dan and Jody discover some old video tapes from the past residents of the house and watch them in the hopes of learning more about their demons. Instead, they get some bedroom action between Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan, playing themselves. Jody also looks for help from her mother, Barbara (Heather Locklear), but Barbara focuses the attention on herself in a spoof from "Black Swan." As Dan and Jody are not finding any insight into their hauntings, the situation grows more dire and they are forced to step up their investigation to keep themselves and their baby safe in their home.

If you're had enough "Scary Movie" sequels, there are many of other great films in theaters at the same time such as "Evil Dead," "Jurassic Park 3D," "G.I. Joe: Retaliation," "Olympus Has Fallen," "Admission," "The Croods," "Upside Down," "Ginger & Rosa," "The Call," "The Incredible Burt Wonderstone," "Emperor," "Dead Man Down," "Oz: The Great and Powerful," "Stoker," "A Good Day to Die Hard," "Side Effects," and "Identity Thief."

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    Blaine Folder, Professional Psychic

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    Blaine Folder: "Blaine Folder, professional psychic. I'm going to have to get some of your, uh, personal belongings here. It's just so I can run them for ghost and demon residue."
    Dan: "Hey, this is stealing!"
    [Blaine punches Dan]
    Blaine Folder: "Demons got my fist, ma'am"

    To help get to the bottom of what is happening in their home, Jody and Dan hire a psychic, Blaine Folder. Blaine claims he needs to take some of their valuables for testing but Dan sees it as nothing more than stealing. Seems Blaine is accustomed to using the demon justification for many things, assault included.

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    Front Door Open

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    Jody: "Kendra?"
    Kendra: "What?"
    Jody: "There's someone out there!"
    Security System Voice: "Front door open, front door open, front door open"
    Jody: "Someone's in the house! They broke in!"
    Kendra: "Okay, just stay clam. I want you to stay calm."
    Security System Voice: "Front door open"
    Kendra: [to security system] "Shut the hell up!
    Security System Voice: "Front door open. Underwear drawer open." [to Kendra] "No need for that, b****!"
    Kendra: "B****?!"

    While on video chat with her friend Kendra, Jody is frightened when she sees an intruder break into her house. While Jody is worried about the man in her home, Kendra is about to come to blows with the security system voice.

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    Private Life

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    Lindsay Lohan: "I don't want to end up all over the Internet. I pride myself on keeping a low profile. My private life is private… Wait, what are all these?"
    Charlie Sheen: "Oh, just some movies I rented"
    Lindsay Lohan: [Reads the video title] "Me and Brandy, missionary?"
    Charlie Sheen: "A tale of two girls who become nuns"
    Lindsay Lohan: [Points to a wall of video cameras] "And what are all those?"
    Charlie Sheen: "Oh, it's just your standard home security setup, basic run of the mill"
    Lindsay Lohan: "And why do you need security cameras pointing at your bed?"
    Charlie Sheen: "In case a burglar tries to steal my sex tapes. Come on, let's get into bed."

    Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen converse about the odd contents of his bedroom which includes entirely too many video cameras and what seems like hundreds of sex tapes. First, Charlie plays it off but inadvertently admits the real intent later on.

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    A Demon

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    Jody: "So a demon is the worst thing that you can have?"
    Blain Folder: "No, ma'am, an STD is the worst thing that you can have."

    Jody asks psychic Blain about the worst kind of things that a home could have but he complete misinterprets the question entirely and shares some odd insight into his personal life.

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    Always Some Ballerina

    Jody: "A psychic told me a witch is out to get me."
    Barbara: "There's always some ballerina who won't give up the spotlight. I danced the Swan when I was pregnant with you."
    [flashback of Barbara giving birth during the ballet performance]
    Ballet Crowd Member: "This is not ballet!"
    Madea: "Shore the hell ain't"

    Jody meets with her mother, Barbara, to talk about the unexplained happenings in her life. Barbara on the other hand makes the situation about herself, as she did in this scene which spoofs on the film "Black Swan."

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    Something in the House

    Jody: "I feel like there's something in this house…. Babe, I heard something."
    Dan: "There's nothing to worry about. It's just…" [pots and pans fall on Dan] "Man, that's a lot of pans."

    Jody and Dan are awakened during the night after hearing unexpected sounds. They go downstairs to the kitchen to investigate and where a ridiculous number of pots and pans fall on Dan's head.

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    Dream Extraction

    Kendra: "We gonna get to the bottom of this quick."
    Dom Kolb: "I was told you needed a dream extraction." [to Dan] "This tube goes in your mouth and the other one goes in your rectum."
    Dan: "Okay, it's in."
    Dom Kolb: "Hang on, I'm sorry. That one goes in your mouth and the other one goes in your rectum."

    Spoofing the wildly successful movie "Inception," a dream extractor is called to Jody and Dan's house to help investigate their demons. His dream extraction machine however provides for some very unsavory results.

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    Get Me Out of This Movie

    Charlie Sheen: "I'll pay you to get me out of this movie."

    While poking pun at his career in general, Charlie Sheen, playing himself, remarks that he's really rather not be in this movie. That certainly does not sound too winning.

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    You Were Driving

    Lindsay Lohan: "You were driving."

    In a clip played after the credits, Lindsay Lohan, playing herself, crashes her car into a house. Just like in her alleged spats with the law, Lindsay throws the keys and tells Charlie Sheen that he was driving in her wreck.

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    A Shark

    Snoop Dogg: "When we get this reward, we gonna get ourselves a boat, some b****es and a shark."
    Mac Miller: "Why are we gonna need a shark?"
    Snoop Dogg: "We just gon' need one."

    Playing themselves, Snoop Dogg and Mac Miller participate in the search for the missing children in hopes of claiming the reward. Snoop however has some weird requests for what they'll need for the tasks, specifically a shark.

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    Cabin in the Woods

    Snoop Dogg: "We need to get to that cabin in the woods."

    On the hunt for the missing children, Snoop Dogg sees another benefit for finding that creepy cabin in the woods. Somewhere close to the cabin he believes are some very special plants he'd like to steal.

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    Old Security Footage

    Dan: "I found old security footage the old owners left behind. This might have some answers."
    [Video plays showing Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan in bed]
    Lindsay Lohan: "Did you hear that? I'm scared."
    Charlie Sheen: "Lindsay, sweetie, there is nothing to be scared of."
    [Charlie Sheen is pulled from the bed and slams up against the wall]
    [Lindsay Lohan screams]
    [Footage of Lindsay Lohan's legal troubles play on TV]
    [Lindsay Lohan screams again]
    [Charlie Sheen is slammed groin first into a door]
    Charlie Sheen: "I've come back from worse than this!"

    Dan discovers some security footage from the previous owners of the home and he and Jody watch them in hopes of learning more about what's going on. What follows, an odd exchange between Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan, is stranger than they imagined however.

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