- 1+ 16- 6
Blaine Folder, Professional Psychic
Blaine Folder: "Blaine Folder, professional psychic. I'm going to have to get some of your, uh, personal belongings here. It's just so I can run them for ghost and demon residue."
Dan: "Hey, this is stealing!"
[Blaine punches Dan]
Blaine Folder: "Demons got my fist, ma'am"
To help get to the bottom of what is happening in their home, Jody and Dan hire a psychic, Blaine Folder. Blaine claims he needs to take some of their valuables for testing but Dan sees it as nothing more than stealing. Seems Blaine is accustomed to using the demon justification for many things, assault included.
- 2+ 15- 8
Front Door Open
Jody: "There's someone out there!"
Security System Voice: "Front door open, front door open, front door open"
Jody: "Someone's in the house! They broke in!"
Kendra: "Okay, just stay clam. I want you to stay calm."
Security System Voice: "Front door open"
Kendra: [to security system] "Shut the hell up!
Security System Voice: "Front door open. Underwear drawer open." [to Kendra] "No need for that, b****!"
While on video chat with her friend Kendra, Jody is frightened when she sees an intruder break into her house. While Jody is worried about the man in her home, Kendra is about to come to blows with the security system voice.
- 3+ 9- 4
Lindsay Lohan: "I don't want to end up all over the Internet. I pride myself on keeping a low profile. My private life is private… Wait, what are all these?"
Charlie Sheen: "Oh, just some movies I rented"
Lindsay Lohan: [Reads the video title] "Me and Brandy, missionary?"
Charlie Sheen: "A tale of two girls who become nuns"
Lindsay Lohan: [Points to a wall of video cameras] "And what are all those?"
Charlie Sheen: "Oh, it's just your standard home security setup, basic run of the mill"
Lindsay Lohan: "And why do you need security cameras pointing at your bed?"
Charlie Sheen: "In case a burglar tries to steal my sex tapes. Come on, let's get into bed."
Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen converse about the odd contents of his bedroom which includes entirely too many video cameras and what seems like hundreds of sex tapes. First, Charlie plays it off but inadvertently admits the real intent later on.
- 4+ 7- 2
Jody: "So a demon is the worst thing that you can have?"
Blain Folder: "No, ma'am, an STD is the worst thing that you can have."
Jody asks psychic Blain about the worst kind of things that a home could have but he complete misinterprets the question entirely and shares some odd insight into his personal life.
- 5+ 4- 0
Always Some Ballerina
Jody: "A psychic told me a witch is out to get me."
Barbara: "There's always some ballerina who won't give up the spotlight. I danced the Swan when I was pregnant with you."
[flashback of Barbara giving birth during the ballet performance]
Ballet Crowd Member: "This is not ballet!"
Madea: "Shore the hell ain't"
Jody meets with her mother, Barbara, to talk about the unexplained happenings in her life. Barbara on the other hand makes the situation about herself, as she did in this scene which spoofs on the film "Black Swan."
- 6+ 3- 2
Something in the House
Jody: "I feel like there's something in this house…. Babe, I heard something."
Dan: "There's nothing to worry about. It's just…" [pots and pans fall on Dan] "Man, that's a lot of pans."
Jody and Dan are awakened during the night after hearing unexpected sounds. They go downstairs to the kitchen to investigate and where a ridiculous number of pots and pans fall on Dan's head.
L The List