Senior Citizen Jokes
Jack Napier List of old people jokes and humor, culled from TV shows, films, stand-up comedy and pop culture. These one-liners and humorous anecdotes look at Senior Citizen Jokes from a variety of perspectives, and try to find humor in wry observations, through irony and sarcasm, and even just by being silly. Human beings love to laugh, and being able to notice life's little absurdities can make even bad days seem a bit cheerier. Some of these jokes about the elderly are designed with that in mind, from amusing little witticisms to obscure references to puns. Others take a more satirical approach to the subject of Senior Citizen Jokes, mining hypocrisy and criticism for laughs.
The jokes on this page take many forms and are written in different formats. Some have a very traditional set-up/punchline style, with the set-up in bold and the punchline written smaller in the space below. Others are more like mini-stories or scenarios, in which case they've simply been broken up in a way that's convenient and easy to read. Go through them all and vote for your favorites!
The jokes on this page take many forms and are written in different formats. Some have a very traditional set-up/punchline style, with the set-up in bold and the punchline written smaller in the space below. Others are more like mini-stories or scenarios, in which case they've simply been broken up in a way that's convenient and easy to read. Go through them all and vote for your favorites!
- 1Up 16Down 2
Hard of Hearing
“ Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart mummer and be careful." „ - 2Up 14Down 4
Old Magicians
“ Never die, they just disappear. „ - 3Up 10Down 3
Monologues
“ Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers, and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, then demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. Then the third old lady chipped in with: "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about." „ - 4Up 9Down 3
He died of what?
“ One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." „ - 5Up 7Down 2
Hearing Aid
“ There were two old fellows who were chatting. Suddenly one of them asked, "What in the world is that sticking out of your right ear?" The other, with a puzzled look, said,"I dunno", and reached up pulling out the object,then exclaimed, "My word, a suppository!" Then he slapped his forehead and excitedly declared, "Now I know what I did with my hearing aid." „ - 6Up 7Down 3
Like an old couple
“ Old couple watching chickens in yard. Rooster goes from hen to hen taking care of each one in turn. Lady says "Pa, why can't you do like that rooster?" He answers: might could Ma, if I had a different chick each time. „ - 7Up 7Down 3
One Night
“ Two old ladies were rocking in their chairs on the nursing home porch. One says "Martha, do you remember the minuet?" Martha answers "Heck, I don't even remember the ones I slept with." „ - 8Up 7Down 3
George Carlin sez...
“ "I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me . . . they're cramming for their final exam." „ - 9Up 4Down 1
AIDs
“ Seems that senior citizens are afraid of 3 kind of AIDs -- rolaids, bandaids, and hearing aids. „ - 10Up 4Down 1
The nice thing about being senile
“ You are always meeting new friends! „ - 11Up 5Down 3
As I age
“ My neighbour, who is 95 years old, asked me the other day: "When do you think I should stop saving for my old age". „ - 12Up 4Down 2
Do you know the four signs of growing old?
“ First, forgetting names. Second, forgetting faces. Third, forgetting to zip up and fourth, forgetting to zip down. „ - 13Up 4Down 2
Great Truths
“ You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. „ - 14Up 3Down 1
Crying old man
“ An old man sees a friend sitting on a park bench weeping. "How have things been with you Bob," he askes his older friend. "Great. I just married a beautiful young woman." "Wonderful! But then why are you crying?" Bob, "I can't remember where I live." „ - 15Up 5Down 4
At the Salon
“ I overheard the receptionist admit to another customer, "I haven't taken my vitamins today. I'm walking around unprotected." The customer commiserated with her, but then added, "I haven't taken my Prozac today—everyone's walking around unprotected." „ - 16Up 3Down 2
Memory
“ Two old friends are talking, and one says to the other. "Did you know that the second thing to go is your memory." His friend asks, "What's the first?" "I forgot." „ - 17Up 4Down 5
Words of Wisdom
“ The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. „ - 18Up 3Down 5
FORE!
“ At the end of his tenth and final golf lesson, the elderly man asked the pro how he had performed. "Well," replied the instructor, "you'll never be a pro, but you can get personal enjoyment out of the game, and the exercise will do you good. Your main problem is that you are too close to the ball after you swing." „ - 19Up 2Down 4
What is the best birth control method for senior citizens?
“ Nudity! „ - 20Up 1Down 3
Seniors are worth a fortune
“ They have silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys and gallbladder, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomach. „ - 21Up 4Down 7
Senior citizen exercise program
“ I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. „ - 22Up 3Down 8
Do you very best
“ An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,if something happens to me .Your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...." „ - 23Up 1Down 6
You might be old if
“ Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today!" „ - 24Up 3Down 9
Walking good
“ A wise old man celebrating his 100th birthday got a visit from a local television reporter at the nursing home to interview him. "Are you able to get out and walk much?" the reporter asked. "Well, I certainly walk better today than I could a hundred years ago." „ - 25Up 2Down 9
How to play golf
“ "What is your handicap these days?" one old golfer asked another. "I'm a scratch golfer I write down all my good scores and scratch out all my bad ones." „
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