- 1+ 44- 6
Hard of HearingMorris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart mummer and be careful."
- 2+ 19- 6
Old MagiciansNever die, they just disappear.
- 3+ 13- 3
He died of what?One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
- 4+ 13- 3
MonologuesThree old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers, and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, then demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. Then the third old lady chipped in with: "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
- 5+ 12- 3
Hearing AidThere were two old fellows who were chatting. Suddenly one of them asked, "What in the world is that sticking out of your right ear?" The other, with a puzzled look, said,"I dunno", and reached up pulling out the object,then exclaimed, "My word, a suppository!" Then he slapped his forehead and excitedly declared, "Now I know what I did with my hearing aid."
- 6+ 7- 1
The nice thing about being senileYou are always meeting new friends!
- 7+ 9- 3
One NightTwo old ladies were rocking in their chairs on the nursing home porch. One says "Martha, do you remember the minuet?" Martha answers "Heck, I don't even remember the ones I slept with."
- 8+ 9- 4
Like an old coupleOld couple watching chickens in yard. Rooster goes from hen to hen taking care of each one in turn. Lady says "Pa, why can't you do like that rooster?" He answers: might could Ma, if I had a different chick each time.
- 9+ 10- 5
George Carlin sez..."I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me . . . they're cramming for their final exam."
- 10+ 6- 1
Crying old manAn old man sees a friend sitting on a park bench weeping. "How have things been with you Bob," he askes his older friend. "Great. I just married a beautiful young woman." "Wonderful! But then why are you crying?" Bob, "I can't remember where I live."
- 11+ 8- 3
Do you know the four signs of growing old?First, forgetting names. Second, forgetting faces. Third, forgetting to zip up and fourth, forgetting to zip down.
- 12+ 5- 1
AIDsSeems that senior citizens are afraid of 3 kind of AIDs -- rolaids, bandaids, and hearing aids.
- 13+ 5- 2
Great TruthsYou're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
- 14+ 6- 4
At the SalonI overheard the receptionist admit to another customer, "I haven't taken my vitamins today. I'm walking around unprotected." The customer commiserated with her, but then added, "I haven't taken my Prozac today—everyone's walking around unprotected."
- 15+ 6- 5
Words of WisdomThe older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
- 16+ 4- 3
- 17+ 6- 6
As I ageMy neighbour, who is 95 years old, asked me the other day: "When do you think I should stop saving for my old age".
- 18+ 4- 5
FORE!At the end of his tenth and final golf lesson, the elderly man asked the pro how he had performed. "Well," replied the instructor, "you'll never be a pro, but you can get personal enjoyment out of the game, and the exercise will do you good. Your main problem is that you are too close to the ball after you swing."
- 19+ 2- 3
Seniors are worth a fortuneThey have silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys and gallbladder, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomach.
- 20+ 2- 4
What is the best birth control method for senior citizens?Nudity!