Seven Rules for Online Dating

My personal pet peeve: men who lie about being single.

Nothing is more infuriating than a man desperate to break in a new kitten.

Signs to look for include:

Picture-less profiles: married men don’t want to be ID’d by their friends or *gasp* their wife.

Harried and hurried emails, demanding to meet TONIGHT: he’s got a 2 hour window while his wife is out with the girls and needs to fill it.

The conversation ALWAYS leads to sex: it’s all he’s got on his mind and he doesn’t care who it comes from.

He loves and needs and wants and has to have you. Oh yeah, I bet he’s falling for you and is half-way to divine inspiration. Uh, huh. That works on 13 yr old girls, not grown women.

He gives you detailed instructions which include not leaving voicemails, not calling at certain hours, failure to even disclose a phone number, a warning that he may disappear for a while, and a request for naughty pictures up front, given that he has to delete them quickly.

Cheating married men are slimy and hardly worth a single girl’s time. Why take half of a half of a half of something, when you can half it all without the drama?

Married women are in the same category, but why repeat myself?

Jesus Dumbass Christ, this shouldn’t even have to be mentioned. However, I can attest that I’ve been visually raped more times than I can count and, adding insult to injury, the offending parties didn’t even grace me with an erection.

There is nothing pleasing about a flaccid unit. What, am I supposed to pet it and serve it dinner?

Hey guys? Ladies don't want pics of your sausage and eggs. Just because you don’t have a job or a life, and spend hours online jerking off to equally aimless and spineless women who having nothing else to do than show off their sagging mom-boobs, doesn’t mean the rest of us are panting to see your junk.

It’s like dicks and boobs have replaced "Hi, how are you?" "Fine, thank you, and yourself?"

Penis: ‘sup, baby? Wanna get some? Get at me!

Boob: oh you know it, baby, I gots to get me some of that!

STD-ridden sex ensues and we have yet one more generation of idiots.

Lovely.

Meet in a public place. Not his place. Not your place. A public, well light and moderately populated place.

Don’t divulge the contents of your TRW. Your address, your work address, your bank and every other piece of confidential information can be used in a myriad of ways to compromise your safety. This is common sense, but you never know.

Don’t go back to their place. I don’t care how safe you think they are. I don’t care if you feel the need to screw right then and there. You don’t know a person after a few hours, minutes or seconds of meeting.

Use a free email account. When it progresses to private email transmissions, use a free anonymous account, so that your last name isn’t readily available.

Stick with paid dating services. You get what you pay for and it’s pretty safe to assume that if you have to pay for it, typically the low-life population gets weeded out.

Limit the alcohol. It impairs your judgment. Period.

Let someone else know where you’re going to be. Make sure a friend knows where you’re going and what time you’ll be there. Provide them with all of the other persons information as well. That way the cops will have something to go on when your friend files a missing persons report.

This isn’t Highlander – there can be more than one. Only the ignorant and the arrogant believe they are the only ones playing the game. Given how dating sites are designed, you’ll never know how many are in line before you.

If the woman you are interested in is extremely attractive and you know for a fact that she’s being pursued by every other tool on the totem, you need to do something that makes you stand out.

Try speaking up and speaking out.

Cut straight to the chase: "When may I meet you?"

Surefire way to sit on the back burner: "So, yeah. I’m interested. Tell me about yourself."

Asking someone to tell you something fascinating about them makes you look lazy and stuck-up. It says you think you’re too good to volunteer any information and too lazy to ask an actual question. If you were truly interested, you wouldn’t waste her time by asking her something so generic. She’ll know you’re sending that email to every other girl and you will be instantly dismissed from her court.

Anyone can ask a boring question, but it takes true style to ask something really cool:

"I had a next-door neighbor with your name. She was 80 yrs old, grumpy and smelled suspiciously like rotten grapefruit. So I’m glad I found you on here – even if we never speak to each other, you’ve erased a traumatic memory with a very classy, very tasteful, very beautiful visual. Thank you for that."

It’s funny and she won’t be able to resist asking you for the story of your neighbor.

Putting up a picture and a brief line, "….just lookin’ for a honey to spend some time wit…" is not the best course of action. For best results, try to adhere to the following:

Use a CURRENT picture. Not one that’s 10 years old or even 5 years old. Because when you meet, they’ll know who you REALLY are.

Don’t brag about who you are. I’m sure you’re very interesting and fascinating, but it will become very clear that you are already in a love affair: with yourself.

Use proper grammar & punctuation. It matters and if a person is too lazy to focus on what they’re saying, then they’ll be even less focused on what YOU’RE saying.

Be HONEST about your circumstances. Be HONEST about your goals. Be HONEST about your agenda. Be honest about who the heck you are and what the heck you’re looking for.

Don’t parade the fact that you’re financially successful. It makes you look like a snob and you’ll only attract other snobs or gold-diggers.

Don’t wear self-pity like it’s a warm, hand-knitted sweater. So you’re divorced. So you just got dumped. So what? If you choose to put yourself out there, then you’re stating that you’re ready to date. Ergo, don’t become the Swamps of Sadness that everyone has to steer clear of. Leave your drama where it belongs – at home, under the floorboards, bound and gagged. There’s nothing noble about wallowing in self-pity. It only makes you look pathetic.

Your profile is an extension of you and is the resume for your personal life. Make it good.