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1
Put the rake down...
"Put the rake down. I don't wanna sit around watching you 'give it your best.' Either stop sucking or get the f**k out of the way."
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2
See, you think I give a shit...
"See, you think I give a s**t. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of s**t? That's why I look interested."
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3
Don’t focus on the one guy...
"Don’t focus on the one guy who hates you. You don’t go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog s**t."
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4
Engagement rings are pointless...
"Engagement rings are pointless. Indians gave cows...Oh sorry, congrats on proposing. We good now? Can I finish my indian story?"
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5
No. Humans will die out. We're weak...
"No. Humans will die out. We're weak. Dinosaurs survived on rotten flesh. You got diarrhea last week from a Wendy's."
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6
They're offended? Fuck, shit, asshole...
"They're offended? F**k, s**t, a*****e, s**tfuck; they're just words...Fine. Shitfuck isn't a word, but you get my point."
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7
You seen my cell phone?...
“You seen my cell phone?...What’s it look like? Like two horses fucking. It’s a phone, son. It looks like a phone."
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8
Stop trying so hard...
"Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you. Jesus, don't kiss an ass if it's in the process of shitting on you."
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9
Your mom just ordered 35 copies of your book...
"Your mom just ordered 35 copies of your book. I'm not paying for one. Fucking. Copy. Mine's free." http://shitmydadsays.com/book
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10
War hero? No....
"War hero? No. I was a doc in Vietnam. My job was to say "This is what happens when you screw a hooker, kid. Put this cream on your pecker."
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11
A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid...
"A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed."
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12
I don't get it; I sweat, I smell fine.
"I don't get it; I sweat, I smell fine. You sweat, you smell like mule s**t...Relax, she's on the treadmill next to you, she knows."
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13
Don't mess with him...
"Don't mess with him...Trust me, you don't f**k with a man that sleeps next to a woman he never screws. They're unpredictable."
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14
No, I'm not a pessimist
"No, I'm not a pessimist. At some point the world s**ts on everybody. Pretending it ain't s**t makes you an idiot, not an optimist."
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15
No presents goddamit
"No presents goddamit. I'm turning 74. I don't need you to commemorate that with a fucking Barnes and Noble gift card."
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16
Been thinking for a while
"Been thinking for a while, and I'd say there's 1.5 pounds of s**t in the dog. Tried to get the vet to weigh a sack of it. No dice."
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17
I'm just going to be me and they can go
"I'm just gonna be me and they can go f**k themselves...Don't care, that's the only attitude you can have when you go to the DMV."
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18
A mule kicked Uncle Bob once
"A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face.. My point? You have an ingrown fucking toenail. Stop bitching."
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19
Universe is 14 billion years old
"Universe is 14 billion years old. Seems silly to celebrate one year. Be like having a fucking parade every time i take a piss."
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20
Yes I got him a gift
“Yes I got him a gift. He had a kidney stone. You piss a rock through your pecker, you deserve more than just a pat on the fucking back."
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21
Fine lets take a vote
"Fine, let’s take a vote. Who wants fish for dinner?...Yeah, democracy ain’t so fun when it fucks you, huh?”
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22
Mom is smarter than you
"Mom is smarter than you...No? Well, ask yourself this; has mom ever unknowingly had toilet paper hanging out of her ass?...Mom 1. You 0"
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23
Get married when you want
"Pressure? Get married when you want. Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants."
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24
I just want silence
"I just want silence. Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more."
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25
Who is this woman?....
"Who is this woman?....Kate Beckinsale? Well, you can tell Kate Beckinsale she sucks."
about 5 hours ago from web
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26
You need to flush the toilet more than once
"You need to flush the toilet more than once...No, YOU, YOU specifically need to. You know what, use a different toilet. This is my toilet."
1:07 PM Aug 23rd from web
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27
Dont touch the bacon
"Don't touch the bacon, it's not done yet. You let me handle the bacon, and i'll let you handle..what ever it is you do. I guess nothing."
11:15 AM Aug 22nd from web
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28
Your mother made a batch of meatballs last night
"Your mother made a batch of meatballs last night. Some are for you, some are for me, but more are for me. Remember that. More. Me."
8:57 AM Aug 21st from web
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29
Your brother brought his baby over this morning
"Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn't stand for s**t. Just sat there. Big let down."
9:35 AM Aug 20th from web
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30
Love this Mrs. Dash
"Love this Mrs. Dash. The b***h can make spices... Jesus, Joni (my mom) it's a joke. I was making a joke! Mrs. Dash isn't even real dammit!"
9:28 AM Aug 19th from web
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31
The dog is not bored, it's a fucking dog
"The dog is not bored, it's a fucking dog. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a fucking rubix cube. He's a god damned dog."
10:43 AM Aug 18th from web
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32
They serve Jim Beam on airplanes
"They serve Jim Beam on airplanes. Tastes like piss. You wouldn't be able to tell the difference, because you drink s**t. I don't."
9:23 AM Aug 17th from web
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33
My flight lands at 9:30 on Sunday...
"My flight lands at 9:30 on Sunday...You want to watch what? What the f**k is mad men? I'm a mad man if you don't pick me the h**l up."
2:42 PM Aug 15th from web
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34
It's watering plants, Justin
"It's watering plants, Justin. You just take a God damned hose and you put it over the plant. You don't even pay rent, just do it. S**t."
9:56 AM Aug 14th from web
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35
(left on answering machine) Hello? Hello? It's Sam.
(left on answering machine) "Hello? Hello? It's Sam. Anyone there? Nobody checks this god damned thing. HELLO?! HELLO?! Screw it."
8:46 AM Aug 12th from web
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36
Tennessee is nice
"Tennessee is nice. The first time I vomited was in Tennessee, I think."
10:22 AM Aug 11th from web
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37
If your brother comes by, tell him I'm on vacation
If your brother comes by, tell him I'm on vacation. I already told him that, but who knows with that guy. Are you listening to me? F**k.
9:51 AM Aug 11th from web
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38
Why would i want to check a voicemail on my cell phone
Why would i want to check a voicemail on my cell phone? People want to talk to me, call again. If i want to talk to you, I'll answer.
9:33 AM Aug 7th from web
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39
Jesus it's hot in here? Right?
"Jesus it's hot in here? Right? No? It's fucking hot, you people looking at me like i'm crazy. You're crazy."
9:41 AM Aug 6th from web
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40
When I used to live in Los Angeles
"When I used to live in Los Angeles, I used to step in human f***s a lot."
9:13 AM Aug 5th from web
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41
The dog is an outside dog
"The dog is an outside dog. You want an inside dog, you go get your own inside."
9:59 AM Aug 4th from web
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42
I didn't live to be 73 years old so I could eat kale
"I didn't live to be 73 years old so I could eat kale. Don't fix me your breakfast and pretend you're fixing mine."
11:24 AM Aug 3rd from web
Post a Comment
A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid... at 4/26/2010 3:42 AM
Stop trying so hard... at 10/10/2011 12:56 PM
Don't mess with him... at 7/13/2010 2:58 AM
Stop trying so hard... at 10/10/2011 12:57 PM
A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid... at 2/24/2010 8:21 AM
Stop trying so hard... at 11/26/2010 1:55 PM
Shit My Dad Says (@s***mydadsays) at 6/04/2011 8:44 AM
http://www.extremehealthusa.com/
No, I'm not a pessimist at 11/26/2010 1:58 PM
Shit My Dad Says (@s***mydadsays) at 4/08/2010 3:17 PM
Shit My Dad Says (@s***mydadsays) at 4/08/2010 3:45 PM
Shit My Dad Says (@s***mydadsays) at 3/19/2010 6:37 PM
Shit My Dad Says (@s***mydadsays) at 4/08/2010 3:15 PM
Shit My Dad Says (@s***mydadsays) at 1/22/2010 7:47 PM
Shit My Dad Says (@s***mydadsays) at 2/22/2010 4:55 PM
No. Humans will die out. We're weak... at 7/15/2010 6:31 AM
Shit My Dad Says (@s***mydadsays) at 2/22/2010 11:18 PM
No. Humans will die out. We're weak... at 7/15/2010 6:34 AM
No. Humans will die out. We're weak... at 7/15/2010 6:35 AM