Shit My Dad Says (@shitmydadsays)
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Anything List
Modified: 2010-06-22 12:09:24.0
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1Engagement rings are pointless..."Engagement rings are pointless. Indians gave cows...Oh sorry, congrats on proposing. We good now? Can I finish my indian story?"more info
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2No. Humans will die out. We're weak..."No. Humans will die out. We're weak. Dinosaurs survived on rotten flesh. You got diarrhea last week from a Wendy's."more info
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3They're offended? Fuck, shit, asshole..."They're offended? Fuck, shit, asshole, shitfuck; they're just words...Fine. Shitfuck isn't a word, but you get my point."more info
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4You seen my cell phone?...“You seen my cell phone?...What’s it look like? Like two horses fucking. It’s a phone, son. It looks like a phone."more info
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5Stop trying so hard..."Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you. Jesus, don't kiss an ass if it's in the process of shitting on you."more info
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6Your mom just ordered 35 copies of your book..."Your mom just ordered 35 copies of your book. I'm not paying for one. Fucking. Copy. Mine's free." http://shitmydadsays.com/bookmore info
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7War hero? No...."War hero? No. I was a doc in Vietnam. My job was to say "This is what happens when you screw a hooker, kid. Put this cream on your pecker."more info
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8A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid..."A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed."more info
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9I don't get it; I sweat, I smell fine."I don't get it; I sweat, I smell fine. You sweat, you smell like mule shit...Relax, she's on the treadmill next to you, she knows."more info
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10Don't mess with him..."Don't mess with him...Trust me, you don't fuck with a man that sleeps next to a woman he never screws. They're unpredictable."more info
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11No, I'm not a pessimist"No, I'm not a pessimist. At some point the world shits on everybody. Pretending it ain't shit makes you an idiot, not an optimist."more info
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12No presents goddamit"No presents goddamit. I'm turning 74. I don't need you to commemorate that with a fucking Barnes and Noble gift card."more info
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13Been thinking for a while"Been thinking for a while, and I'd say there's 1.5 pounds of shit in the dog. Tried to get the vet to weigh a sack of it. No dice."more info
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14I'm just going to be me and they can go"I'm just gonna be me and they can go fuck themselves...Don't care, that's the only attitude you can have when you go to the DMV."more info
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15A mule kicked Uncle Bob once"A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face.. My point? You have an ingrown fucking toenail. Stop bitching."more info
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16Universe is 14 billion years old"Universe is 14 billion years old. Seems silly to celebrate one year. Be like having a fucking parade every time i take a piss."more info
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17Yes I got him a gift“Yes I got him a gift. He had a kidney stone. You piss a rock through your pecker, you deserve more than just a pat on the fucking back."more info
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18Fine lets take a vote"Fine, let’s take a vote. Who wants fish for dinner?...Yeah, democracy ain’t so fun when it fucks you, huh?”more info
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19Mom is smarter than you"Mom is smarter than you...No? Well, ask yourself this; has mom ever unknowingly had toilet paper hanging out of her ass?...Mom 1. You 0"more info
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20Get married when you want"Pressure? Get married when you want. Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants."more info
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21I just want silence"I just want silence. Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more."more info
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22Who is this woman?...."Who is this woman?....Kate Beckinsale? Well, you can tell Kate Beckinsale she sucks." about 5 hours ago from webmore info
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23You need to flush the toilet more than once"You need to flush the toilet more than once...No, YOU, YOU specifically need to. You know what, use a different toilet. This is my toilet." 1:07 PM Aug 23rd from webmore info
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24Dont touch the bacon"Don't touch the bacon, it's not done yet. You let me handle the bacon, and i'll let you handle..what ever it is you do. I guess nothing." 11:15 AM Aug 22nd from webmore info
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25Your mother made a batch of meatballs last night"Your mother made a batch of meatballs last night. Some are for you, some are for me, but more are for me. Remember that. More. Me." 8:57 AM Aug 21st from webmore info
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26Your brother brought his baby over this morning"Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn't stand for shit. Just sat there. Big let down." 9:35 AM Aug 20th from webmore info
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27Love this Mrs. Dash"Love this Mrs. Dash. The bitch can make spices... Jesus, Joni (my mom) it's a joke. I was making a joke! Mrs. Dash isn't even real dammit!" 9:28 AM Aug 19th from webmore info
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28The dog is not bored, it's a fucking dog"The dog is not bored, it's a fucking dog. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a fucking rubix cube. He's a god damned dog." 10:43 AM Aug 18th from webmore info
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29They serve Jim Beam on airplanes"They serve Jim Beam on airplanes. Tastes like piss. You wouldn't be able to tell the difference, because you drink shit. I don't." 9:23 AM Aug 17th from webmore info
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30My flight lands at 9:30 on Sunday..."My flight lands at 9:30 on Sunday...You want to watch what? What the fuck is mad men? I'm a mad man if you don't pick me the hell up." 2:42 PM Aug 15th from webmore info
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31It's watering plants, Justin"It's watering plants, Justin. You just take a God damned hose and you put it over the plant. You don't even pay rent, just do it. Shit." 9:56 AM Aug 14th from webmore info
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32(left on answering machine) Hello? Hello? It's Sam.(left on answering machine) "Hello? Hello? It's Sam. Anyone there? Nobody checks this god damned thing. HELLO?! HELLO?! Screw it." 8:46 AM Aug 12th from webmore info
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33Tennessee is nice"Tennessee is nice. The first time I vomited was in Tennessee, I think." 10:22 AM Aug 11th from webmore info
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34If your brother comes by, tell him I'm on vacationIf your brother comes by, tell him I'm on vacation. I already told him that, but who knows with that guy. Are you listening to me? Fuck. 9:51 AM Aug 11th from webmore info
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35Why would i want to check a voicemail on my cell phoneWhy would i want to check a voicemail on my cell phone? People want to talk to me, call again. If i want to talk to you, I'll answer. 9:33 AM Aug 7th from webmore info
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36Jesus it's hot in here? Right?"Jesus it's hot in here? Right? No? It's fucking hot, you people looking at me like i'm crazy. You're crazy." 9:41 AM Aug 6th from webmore info
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37When I used to live in Los Angeles"When I used to live in Los Angeles, I used to step in human feces a lot." 9:13 AM Aug 5th from webmore info
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38The dog is an outside dog"The dog is an outside dog. You want an inside dog, you go get your own inside." 9:59 AM Aug 4th from webmore info
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39I didn't live to be 73 years old so I could eat kale"I didn't live to be 73 years old so I could eat kale. Don't fix me your breakfast and pretend you're fixing mine." 11:24 AM Aug 3rd from webmore info
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