Put the rake down..."Put the rake down. I don't wanna sit around watching you 'give it your best.' Either stop sucking or get the f**k out of the way."
See, you think I give a shit..."See, you think I give a s**t. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of s**t? That's why I look interested."
Don’t focus on the one guy..."Don’t focus on the one guy who hates you. You don’t go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog s**t."
Engagement rings are pointless..."Engagement rings are pointless. Indians gave cows...Oh sorry, congrats on proposing. We good now? Can I finish my indian story?"
No. Humans will die out. We're weak..."No. Humans will die out. We're weak. Dinosaurs survived on rotten flesh. You got diarrhea last week from a Wendy's."
They're offended? Fuck, shit, asshole..."They're offended? F**k, s**t, a*****e, s**tf**k; they're just words...Fine. S**tf**k isn't a word, but you get my point."
You seen my cell phone?..."You seen my cell phone?...What’s it look like? Like two horses f**king. It’s a phone, son. It looks like a phone."
Stop trying so hard..."Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you. Jesus, don't kiss an ass if it's in the process of s**tting on you."
Your mom just ordered 35 copies of your book..."Your mom just ordered 35 copies of your book. I'm not paying for one. F**king. Copy. Mine's free." http://s**tmydadsays.com/book
War hero? No...."War hero? No. I was a doc in Vietnam. My job was to say "This is what happens when you screw a hooker, kid. Put this cream on your pecker."
A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid..."A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed."
I don't get it; I sweat, I smell fine."I don't get it; I sweat, I smell fine. You sweat, you smell like mule s**t...Relax, she's on the treadmill next to you, she knows."
Don't mess with him..."Don't mess with him...Trust me, you don't f**k with a man that sleeps next to a woman he never screws. They're unpredictable."
No, I'm not a pessimist"No, I'm not a pessimist. At some point the world s**ts on everybody. Pretending it ain't s**t makes you an idiot, not an optimist."
No presents goddamit"No presents goddamit. I'm turning 74. I don't need you to commemorate that with a f**king Barnes and Noble gift card."
Been thinking for a while"Been thinking for a while, and I'd say there's 1.5 pounds of s**t in the dog. Tried to get the vet to weigh a sack of it. No dice."
I'm just going to be me and they can go"I'm just gonna be me and they can go f**k themselves...Don't care, that's the only attitude you can have when you go to the DMV."
A mule kicked Uncle Bob once"A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face.. My point? You have an ingrown f**king toenail. Stop bitching."
Universe is 14 billion years old"Universe is 14 billion years old. Seems silly to celebrate one year. Be like having a f**king parade every time i take a piss."
Yes I got him a gift"Yes I got him a gift. He had a kidney stone. You piss a rock through your pecker, you deserve more than just a pat on the f**king back."